John W. Sammon
John Sammon is the author of two books and writes a weekly humor column you may access at Sammonsays.com.
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Articles by John W. Sammon
August 27, 2010
This little North Korean boy is clearly showing why the world has a problem with North Korea.
May 15, 2010
Obama is doing a new surge in Afghanistan that is set for this summer, and that in the best military logic, was openly announced several months ago allowing the Taliban to prepare defenses for it. In the world of freakazoid logic, you always want to make sure to tell your enemy where and when you ...
April 04, 2010
Okay, I've figured it out. I'm on to you guys. This is an end-run, a Plan B, an alternate strategy, an, if you don't succeed try try again, a never-say-die.
Marijuana growers, frustrated in their attempts to legalize the drug, have decided to promote pot under the legal umbrella of providing medici...
March 31, 2010
Sometimes Obama seems so smart, and then other times, he just doesn't get it
Obama's health care triumph is a triumph, but he's continuing two wars just like George Bush. Why? Why is he progressive on one hand, and business-as-usual reactionary on the other?
Is it because for all his talk of c...
April 01, 2010
A favorite insult is to call someone you´re not impressed with or want to ridicule a "loser."
What is a loser?
Let´s assume it´s accurate.
What are you losing if you´re a "loser?"
Not being a loser to most people must simply mean the attainment of money and the purch...
March 08, 2010
I vividly recall John F. Kennedy just a month before his assassination telling Walter Cronkite something to the effect that, "what is great about this country is, that we don't have to import our way of life onto other countries by the use of force."
This was just moments before he said what ...
March 06, 2010
What do you do when you haven´t taken a vacation for years, and you´re so over-worked you can´t remember your name? Do something stressful. I´m being facetious. But not much.
I wanted to go to the South Seas and become a bearded Paul Gauguin, but agreed to a lesser trip to...
March 04, 2010
My gun is who I am. Love me. Love my gun. I R a patriot. I live where real Amer-cuns live. I be a member of the Thunderbolt Party. We wear German helmets and we carry the Bible and our guns.
We wear armbands with a thunderbolt on 'em. Most of us are rural gas station attendants, the working ...
February 24, 2010
This is ludicrous.
Insane.
Ridiculous.
Grotesque.
This is America.
Only the country that gave you American Idol would be capable of this.
The head general in the Afghanistan War went on Afghan TV to apologize to the Afghan people for killing innocent bystanders caught in the crossf...
February 19, 2010
Tiger, you don't have to apologize. Don't hang your head in front of a national audience. You can date and fool around with whom ever you want to, and if the fans don't like it, FU.'K 'EM!
You're not an elected official with a constituency that you owe allegiance to. You're a private citizen just...
February 15, 2010
He butters his bread with a pudgy hand. Dick Cheney is a patriot. That's what he calls himself. He is the only one who openly calls himself a patriot.
Others may have called him a patriot once in awhile, only because they were on a government payroll, and their sycophant slave jobs demanded they ...
February 13, 2010
The Republican Party, the party of obstruction, the party of "NO," the party of the status quo, big oil, big insurance, big numbers of uninsured, big wars against small poor countries, has got Obama where they want him.
Obama is no Lyndon Johnson, and this isn't 1964. He might have to be satisfie...
February 09, 2010
The following is an unauthorized biographical interview I did with Sarah Palin's subconscious.
Me - Sarah, you recently forced Obama's advisor Rahm Emanuel to apologize for using the word "retarded," saying it was an insult to your son. Was that a publicity stunt or an attempt to re-write the Eng...
February 07, 2010
Most words that began free of sexual meaning and evolved in modern times to a sexual connotation, for example, the words "gay," and "slut," started out innocently enough. Gay used to mean a happy person, and slut meant a woman with soiled clothing, not necessarily one who committed adultery.
It is...
February 04, 2010
Poor Obama. Who would want such a job? He makes an innocent statement that college kids shouldn't spend their tuition money on gambling in Las Vegas and the governor of Nevada and state officials who are conservatives blast him for being anti-Silver State. For hurting the state's economy.
Even go...
February 03, 2010
What does John McCain have in common with cancer patients?
Former presidential candidate John McCain is famous for using the word "fight" in every speech, peppering his rhetoric with it. He says over and over using the word perhaps thirty-five times in a single speech, "I´ll fight for you...
January 26, 2010
I can't figure it out, and I've thought about it, but why is "God bless America" a popular saying? It seems somehow, elitist, exclusionary. I mean, if we go by inference, what's between the lines, or what remains unsaid, if God blesses America, what about the rest of the world?
Why would God ble...
January 26, 2010
How many remember Cindy Sheehan, the anti-Iraq-War mother activist whose son was killed in the war, and who camped out near George Bush's Texas ranch in protest against the war? The memory of her is fading. Her son's already has.
The American people, those who approved of it, led by the former p...
January 07, 2010
What is the difference?
Between war, and what the intended Nigerian underwear airplane bomber did?
It seems to be largely ruled by semantics.
The bomber, a troubled, insecure, boy, allowed himself to be duped by Yemenis extremists. That was wrong, what he tried to do.
But if a whole row ...
January 04, 2010
The news that a conservative pundit had heart-attack-like chest pains while on vacation in Hawaii seems to pose an irony. Why would he, an avowed exclusionist, separatist, who wants an Andy Hardy America free of blacks and Mexicans (except as porters and melon pickers), choose to vacation in Hawaii,...
December 30, 2009
Racists believe that God is a white man who looks like John Wayne.
But is he?
Is God white? In all the art over the centuries, including his representation on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, he is portrayed as white, in the case of Michelangelo's masterpiece, a grey-bearded, fierce-looking ...
December 20, 2009
"Naturally, the common people don't want war. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship. ...v...
December 15, 2009
The news yesterday that Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer's opponents are trying to make hay out of a remark she recently made to a general asking him not to call her "ma'am," but to call her "senator" instead, sparked personal memories of Boxer of my own.
I had a rare, momentary insight into Boxe...
December 12, 2009
Poor Tiger Woods.
The media circus he's subjected to because he cheats on his wife is another example of how the public persona of a famous person is subjected to hypocritical scrutiny by the public. In other words, if you're famous, how the public perceives you is what determines whether your in...
November 21, 2009
Can you see the logic?
The close relationship, the natural progression, from one thought to the next?
Each year at Christmas we celebrate the birth of a First Century AD Galilean holy man and prophet, who preached, according to what we find in the Bible, humility, forbearance, sweetness and frug...
November 19, 2009
I call for an immediate attack on Saudi Arabia to take over their oil and to install an American-backed regime in Riyadh friendlier to the United States. It's been eight whole years, and we haven't attacked a third country yet. We only attack countries weaker and smaller than ourselves. It was Saud...
November 13, 2009
You´re insane!
All of you!
Insane!
You need to be locked up in a straightjacket in a mental asylum with padded walls.
Listen to the words they´re using. Obama is not satisfied with the ideas given to him by advisors for Afghanistan. He wants more options for troop increases to escalate a nine-ye...
November 08, 2009
Everybody expresses shock at the killings on the army base. Media outlets across the country ask "why?" So do soldiers at the base themselves.
Why did this happen?
I have the answer. America is a violent country. The base where the killings happened, the very base itself, represents the resort...
November 03, 2009
Here I am as a space alien motorcycle biker in the 1978 movie Deathsport starring the late David Carradine, and Playboy Playmate Claudia Jennings. The film was a piece of sh.'t, one of the worst movies of all time. Do you recognize my suit? This was the same suit worn by the apes in the epic movie P...
November 01, 2009
Here I am in 1979 in the Odyssey Theatre Ensemble performance of the Chicago Conspiracy Trial in Santa Monica with the late wonderful character actor Logan Ramsey, a 50-year veteran of movies, television and stage. The rough-and-tumble of this scene (I violently shake up Ramsey) was eventually too m...
October 23, 2009
Maybe Obama can undo the Bush Cheney years. I doubt he can on his own. The Founding Fathers who talked about freedom and designing an egalitarian state were themselves elitist, racist and corporate (Alexander Hamilton called the public an ass). America has not lived up to its promise, for it was a p...
October 22, 2009
Since nobody uses it, why do we have the word "ouch," the sound you make when you hurt yourself?
Where did this word come from? There is no doubt, back in the mists of time, when small men with giant reproductive organs walked the earth looking for women and wearing animal skins, they made up the...
October 21, 2009
Did you see where NASA (stands for, no a-hole bigger than a scientist a-hole), the spaced-out agency that wastes your tax dollars, crashed a rocket into the moon? It reminds me of an old racist slogan about Latino immigrants.
If they (immigrants) can´t eat it or steal it, they paint it (graff...
October 17, 2009
Okay, the military isn't going to level with the American people about when we're going to accomplish whatever we're trying to accomplish in Iraq and Afghanistan. The American people have to do something to demand accountability.
I get sick and tired of morons with uniforms and medals appearing o...
October 15, 2009
Here is a short compilation of the outstanding features of world religions and how they have been interpreted.
Catholicism - It only makes sense that the founder of this faith, a humble, obscure first century Galilean carpenter who preached humility, otherworldliness, non-accumulation of possessi...
October 06, 2009
Personally, I think it´s hopeless, though our military leaders use vague terms like we´re making "progress," we need to "turn it around"---what that is we never know because with these double-speak phrases they never specify, or we´ve "turned a corner," or there´s a "light at the end of the tunnel,"...
October 05, 2009
These people are patriots---they're pathfinders----Argonauts-----they're MORONS!
This is how stupid teabag Republicans are. Remember, these are the people who want to run this country.
They're so stupid, so inept; they can't even pick an appropriate symbol to represent themselves. If they eve...
October 03, 2009
What is golf? You take a metal rod with a head on it, and hit a little white ball towards a hole in the ground.
Golf symbolizes for a lot of pot-bellied, balding middle aged men success. Why? They can traipse around the clubhouse and act the big guy in their expensive golf clothes and say to themse...
September 30, 2009
Three of the major, tubby, fat-faced-jowly, chubby white boys who serve as right-wing racist talk show hosts on Fox News, and the Fox News blonde she-male, if asked to rank their least favorite people, with the most despised starting at the top, would rank them as follows.
The names used here are...
September 24, 2009
You watch the Republican Party impotently thrash around in its death throes, searching for a thread, a purpose, a cause other than hate, with its dysfunctional tea-baggers, health care reactionaries, town hall hecklers, storm trooper talk radio hosts, assorted hillbilly would-be serial assassins, ...
September 20, 2009
They think because they see themselves on TV as fearsome helmeted apparitions, that they've made progress.
They have not.
Look at the jails. Look at the test scores in schools.
Once again, it's pro football time on TV, and once again, you come to realize (if you're me) that worship of footba...
September 16, 2009
Is it just a coincidence that Joe Wilson, the representative who heckled the president during an address to Congress, is from South Carolina, one of the most southern of all states? For those of you who have opened a history book at least once in your lives, South Carolina is the state that first se...
September 05, 2009
Is Robert Gates out of his mind?
Do you need to be locked up in a mental asylum Robert, with a straight-jacket and an attendant with a butterfly net?
The secretary of defense got mad because AP showed a picture of a dying US Marine killed in Afghanistan. What´s the matter Robert, afraid the publi...
September 02, 2009
I would like to point out a brand new political phenomenon in the United States that no one to the best of my knowledge has noticed and pointed out before. It´s totally new, unique, and disgusting.
I´m perhaps the only one who spotted it.
That is, a crooked politician, who lied, ch...
August 19, 2009
Massachusetts Police Officer James Crowley, the officer who arrested Henry Louis Gates, a black scholar, for disorderly conduct after Gates was found attempting to enter his own home after he had been locked out, arrived in California and was cheered by law enforcement officials.
He is apparent...
August 14, 2009
In town hall meetings where Republican hecklers shout down anyone who has a different opinion than they do----you´re seeing the worst in America. All its greed and selfishness and stupidity laid bare.
Here are 10 reasons why Republicans remind me of the mob in a Frankenstein movie carrying pitchf...
August 08, 2009
I talked to another Republican who wants to ignore the eight years of Bush and blame Obama for everything. I just threw up my hands. I realized it´s hopeless. There will never be any progress in health care or anything except doomsday weapons with people like this guy around.
You can´t reason wit...
August 02, 2009
One of the paradoxes of the last fifty years is that members of the Republican Party, the ultra right of which champions both morality and patriotism, almost never serve in the military. John McCain is a rare exception. Since criticizing others for lacking patriotism is a center pillar activity of...
July 23, 2009
Here are nine things you can do if you´re black to avoid frivolous arrest in your own home by white police officers. Of course, the recent arrest of a Massachusetts black scholar by officers who thought he was trying to break into his own house is instructive.
The police maintain he deser...
June 30, 2009
I´m going to ask this question even though I´ll pretty sure I´ll take heat for it.
I have to ask, because I pride myself on having the nerve to ask questions very few others will dare.
Yesterday, Al Sharpton appeared with the parents of Michael Jackson to discuss the divvying...
June 28, 2009
Poor Michael Jackson.
Even though I was never a fan of the man, I have to feel empathy for a short life that was largely devoid of happiness. But I´ve come to view him in a larger context, because in a way, he was a symbol of an America that went wrong.
He represents the unhealthy growth of the cu...
June 26, 2009
Here we go again. Once again, I have predicted history correctly. If you read my list of predictions for 2009 I made back in January, you would see that I predicted that a major film or music star would suffer disgrace.
Walllaa! Michael Jackson.
Wait a minute you say. Michael Jackson died. He di...
June 25, 2009
What´s the big deal with this guy, what´s his name, Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina?
I never heard of him until he slipped south of the border to cheat on his wife with some Latin Loopy Lu. He was supposed to be the Republican Party´s next JFK? He is good looking,...
June 15, 2009
Who says you can´t learn anything from history. Certainly our leaders must think that, because they never seem to learn. They don´t study history. I want to point out the mistake Bush and Cheney made in the Middle East before their disastrous administration fades in the collective me...
June 10, 2009
We became a terrorist state under the former Bush Administration, and unless Obama can un-do some of what has been accomplished, that´s what we are. The trouble with declining morality and lowering yourself so that you´re little better than the supposed evil enemies you´re fighting is…it´s hard to g...
June 07, 2009
I, Billy Bob Lee Harvey Duke Wayne Butler, bein´ a´ sound mind, do hereby say that I wuz born in the little town a´ Backwards, Arkansas, and I come up from a background where women and niggers knew their place.
I have my gun. And I have my God, and you liberal one-world-order cu...
May 31, 2009
Next Wednesday, let´s attack North Korea. C´mon US Government. Don´t be chicken.
Under the Republicans, you attacked Saddam Hussein because he was building a nuke. He wasn´t. That was a lie.
But let´s say it was true, instead of a lie from Bush and big Dick Cheney. Let´s say Saddam was building a ...
May 25, 2009
Why does North Korea do this?
Because it works.
North Korea´s testing of a nuclear weapon is the same old stick and carrot approach North Korea always uses. Again and again. They get away with it. Again and again.
Each time they do, it´s like a repeat, an exact copy of the way the...
May 23, 2009
Everyone should experience everything, especially when you´re young and single, or even if you´re married and miserable. Life only goes by once. Hey! But when you´re going through your selfish period, you learn to say me me me ME! I want all of it!
I want to drive a fast car. I want to explore th...
May 22, 2009
How would you like to be the kind of person who appeals to the worst in people, most of them small angry white men? How would you like to make oodles of money spreading malice and falsehood under the guise of righteousness, and contribute to the Balkanizing of America?
You too can work for Fox Ne...
May 16, 2009
Let me get this straight. If I have the right idea, and I think that I do. We have 200 pictures of sadistic American guards torturing A-Rab prisoners, but if we let people see the pictures, it might give the rest of the world the right idea. They might not think as highly of us.
In other words, we ...
May 10, 2009
I think I can pry open the mind of a conservative so we can all look inside, at what makes ´em tick, by using myself, and confessing on this website, why it was that for at least 20 years, I was a Republican.
I can tell you because I was one. I now wonder what I must have been thinking to be a me...
April 30, 2009
Here we go again.
I predicted the swine flu epidemic four months before it happened, and once again, I have to explain to a dull world that doesn´t recognize talent.
The kind of uncomprehending world that makes Lady GaGa a star.
I wrote a list of predictions for the year 2009 back on New Year´s D...
April 28, 2009
(Disclaimer) The following letter was received from a conservative. After reading it you may draw your own conclusions.
Dear Sir or Woman:
I, Billy Ray Floyd Lee Harvey Billy Bob, being of sound mind, do hereby send this here letter, to this heretofore purpose, to tell traitors, faggots an...
April 14, 2009
Many of the conservatives are angry little fat white guys with balding heads, like Carl and Rush. When Obama proved more intelligent and eloquent by far than they are, an American of African descent, but someone whom they consider an uppity college communist nigger, they were understandably perple...
April 09, 2009
Okay, let´s end it, finito!
That ages-old scam, the British Monarchy.
The queen, her royal highness, is a little high after ingesting a gin tonic at a reception amid her fawning sycophants. What is she thinking? "I must appear royal. I must. I´m stoned."
What does she think when she goes to the t...
April 01, 2009
Right Wing talk show hosts, those to the right of Genghis Kahn, should have their own awards ceremony in a military-like setting, because though they love wars, they never served in the military.
Not one of ´em.
They´re consistent.
Why is it that guys who yell the loudest about the need to bomb...
March 24, 2009
A guy comes in to buy an airline ticket from a travel agency. The travel agent starts filling out the ticket form.
Agent. "Okay, what´s your name?"
Customer. "G. Youshudknow."
Agent. "Why?"
Customer. "Why what?"
Agent. "Why should I know?"
Customer (stares).
Ag...
March 20, 2009
A right wing extremist media commentator who has made a career appealing to the worst in intolerant people by denigrating imagined political enemies by innuendo, and false smear tactics, and who questions everybody´s patriotism when he himself never served in the military because he was too busy cou...
March 07, 2009
Before the election last November, a Frenchman (immigrant) who was canvassing for Barack Obama saw me in my yard working, and came over to ask me to vote for Obama. We got to talking about France, and I asked him if France had conservatives?
"Oh yes," he said with a serious expression. "They...
February 28, 2009
Eight of the top Republican strategists are gathered in the 45th floor office of a skyscraper in New York to discuss how to recoup their recent losses and how to deal with Obama. Those gathered include Mike, Mary, Cesar, Neil, Scooter, Tad and Frank, and also Herky, a stalwart since the Watergate ...
February 24, 2009
To Whom it May Concern: I am writing this letter in the hopes that future members of my species can avoid the fate that I´m sure is mine. You might be surprised that I, a lowly lowland chimpanzee, is able to write, but we are very intelligent animals, more so than these inhuman human...
February 22, 2009
What is it about Republicans? Do they belong in a lunatic asylum? One of us is crazy, and I don´t think it´s me.
Now remember, Republicans are elected by people who consider themselves supposedly intelligent people. The Republicans complained that Obama´s stimulus package was a "spending bill," whi...
February 15, 2009
Here is the text of a speech given by the Republicans´ new chairman, the first Republican African American chairman, Michael Steele. Steele´s words are accompanied by translations explaining what he really meant.
(In other words, the truth).
"A great deal has changed since President Reagan left t...
February 07, 2009
Invented by Ronald Reagan, plausible deniability is a wonderful phrase. How George Orwellian it is. It´s such a bureaucratic, nonsensical, otherworldly, ivory tower, paranoiac phrase. It´s perfect for the age of dishonest government that we live in.
How fitting for a president...
January 31, 2009
Wait a minute! Hold your horses. Stop the presses!
The Republicans elected an African American, Michael Steele, as their new chairman?
Their new PARTY CHAIR!!!!!
The Republicans have decided to get on the band wagon because of what happed in November? They´ve suddenly figured out that black peopl...
January 24, 2009
Should Obama investigate Bush for wrongdoing?
The great thing about history is that it repeats itself. Oh sure, the trappings and circumstances are different, but the basic premise returns. For example, the United States fought a nasty guerrilla conflict in the Philippines in 1900 that was much l...
January 22, 2009
Astro projection, the science of obtaining an out-of-body state, and an unworldly transcendence above the mere physical, is now possible as a sexual act of love.
I know. I have done it.
I will show you how.
In astral projection, the astral body leaves t...
January 21, 2009
It´s pretty clear that this is the age of "me, me. ME!!!
Me first! It´s all about me!
The age of cloning is perfect for this cowardly age of self-love that lets people lie, cheat and steal, to get ahead, whether it´s an Olympic athlete on st...
January 16, 2009
How do you deal with someone who´s malicious, dishonest, mentally deranged, or all three?
George Bush finally held his final press conference, and for perhaps the thirteenth time in recent weeks, he went on the air to once again explain to the American people that he really was a great president ...
January 11, 2009
Bill O´Reilly was on TV interviewing Patrick Wayne about his father, the late actor John Wayne. O´Reilly has done other pieces about "The Duke."
Then, a second such interview appeared on another channel. Gee! I asked myself, why the sudden resurgent interest in John Wayne?
I think I know. The con...
January 04, 2009
I am, the seer, the mystic, the all-knowing, and the best damn swammy around. After all, didn´t I predict Hurricane Katrina a week before it happened, the tragic death of the crocodile hunter, and others? (If you want proof you can read these stories).
Here is a list of predictions for the year 20...
January 02, 2009
I did it! I finally did it! Got revenge on Christmas. I found a way. You can do it too.
It was so easy. I just took all the sh.´t back. Returned it all, and got back the money. But don´t call me Scrooge, because that wouldn´t be fair.
Here&acu...
December 17, 2008
Beat me Dick! Here! Harder! Harder!
Dick Cheney will go down in American history as the country´s first true Grand Inquisitor, or in other words, a fanatic who seeks out heresy and then punishes it by the torture of victims.
In this case, prisoners.
Dick was...
December 15, 2008
George W. Bush obviously didn´t follow the example of Prince Charles of England, who after he lost favor by treating Lady Diana like a whore, won back public favor when he stood unflinchingly before an angry protester who tried to charge the stage on which he stood.
Bush showed what he´s made of....
December 07, 2008
I have to write a final column about George W. Bush because I suffered so much during his eight years in office, and I´ve written over that time perhaps twenty articles condemning him. I had to watch helplessly as he attempted to dismantle the Constitution.
I can´t believe I´m writing this...
November 22, 2008
A couple years ago I did a story on a musician named Randy Constan who is in reality Peter Pan. Hey, if he isn´t the real Peter Pan, he wouldn´t have a website that draws millions of visitors and that helps children in need with donations, and he wouldn´t be a guest on TV talk shows.
...
November 15, 2008
Readers keep sending me cards and letters asking for advice. Below are some more samples of concerns that many of you out there have.
Dear John the Swammy: I just don´t know what to do. I´m beside myself. My husband seemed so charming when I married him, but from the first, all h...
November 08, 2008
(Sung to the ballad of, The Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to my story about a woman named Sarah,
A former unknown mayor, based on Alaska terra,
And then one day she was shootin´ at a moose,
And up through the mail come an offer to choose,
From Big John McCain that is, for vice...
October 19, 2008
It was one of those defining moments.
During the final debate, John McCain said, in a response to a statement Obama had made about the importance of protecting the health of a mother in an abortion case, that the "health of the mother" is just a buzz phrase to promote an extreme, leftist, pro-abort...
October 10, 2008
They´re coming. They´re taking over. The economy is the least of your worries.
There is a gigantic swirling vortex in outer space scientists are not aware of, that is funneling alien organisms that will ultimately rob the food chain of its life giving nutrients, a...
September 27, 2008
Do you wear your underwear dirty?
I do.
Sue me.
My co-workers in the office are not aware of my underwear. Granted, it´s not something you may think a lot about. I can´t help it. It gets dirty so fast. Just chalk this up to being human.
Yo...
September 25, 2008
Why is all this happening? Iraq? Hurricane Katrina and then Ike? Sarah Palin? And now the economy?
Why?
I think it´s simple. It´s God.
God doesn´t like America.
If the Republicans can invoke the name of God constantly in lit...
September 14, 2008
Sarah Palin was asked in an interview if the United States would attack Russia if Russia attacked its former province of Georgia?
She said we might….(despite the facts that we usually only fight small really tiny impoverished countries, and that our army is already fully co...
September 06, 2008
I´ve got a confession to make. A major one. Believe me, this isn´t easy. But I´ll just go ahead and force it right out of my lips.
Are you ready for this?
Okay. Here goes.
I rooted against my own football team in high school. Bullard High School in Fresno, C...
September 06, 2008
The original scenario at the Republican Convention had John McCain standing before a giant computer generated digital movie screen, the latest high tech technology, showing a gigantic American flag, a giant crucifix, as well as an apple pie cooling on a windowsill, and a photo montage ...
August 30, 2008
The Swift Boat Veterans, an arch conservative veterans´ group who formerly smeared Democratic presidential candidate and Vietnam Veteran John Kerry by attacking his war record, convene a meeting on how to go after Barack Obama.
Chairman - "Okay, the meeting will come to order."
"Y...
August 23, 2008
I can´t figure out if George Bush´s stupidity is malicious, or just the innocent bumblings of a genuine simpleton, a true Cro-Magnon primitive.
You can tell by looking at the shape of his head he isn´t very bright.
Bush and his African American...
August 13, 2008
Records are being set every day by steroid pill popping swimmers. Go ahead. Puff yourself up and feel proud. The pool is better than athletes had fifty years ago, the water treated chemically better, the swim suit designed better, the steroids are better, genetically engineered food is better.
...
August 09, 2008
Two men who habitually engage in the mind poop of using non sequiturs have a discussion. For those of you who seldom read, a non sequitur is a remark, a nonsensical aside, that has no relation to the preceding comments made during a discussion.
I think it´s just a ...
July 29, 2008
Okay, it´s way past due. We´ve had huge leaps of technology in space, in human cloning, in fuel efficient cars, in green-friendly recycling, brain fingerprinting (whatever that is), tiny micro chips implanted on your dog so you can tell where he is, and everything else.
...
July 05, 2008
Yeah man! Gas prices, higher, higher, higher.
I´m lovin´ it!
The higher the better!
What this will do is cause more Americans to cease being mass consumption glutinous hogs, and will ultimately help to save the North Pole from melting.
...
June 22, 2008
You know what bothers me, apart from the ethics, who´s right and who´s wrong? (America is always right, right or wrong).
America only attacks small, poor countries. Look at the list of our opponents over the past thirty years or so, Vietnam, Granada, Iraq, Afghani...
June 02, 2008
"That isn´t the Scott McClellan I knew. Is that the Scott McClellan you knew?"
"No! The Scott McClellan I knew could tell a lie we told him and then keep a lie a lie."
"What are we gonna do?"
George Bush is holding a meeting with his inner cir...
May 22, 2008
Ahhh! The joys of being an adolescent in junior high school. Especially PE, physical education to you dummies out there. And what an education it was.
My first real glimpse of what the rest of my life would be like.
How can I describe it? That PE class. It was only a...
May 04, 2008
I have a plan to repopulate the universe in my own image. Aren´t you tired of everybody looking different and having different opinions than you, always complaining and squabbling? Look at this election. Aren´t you sick of it?
I know I am.
I think I can remake a new u...
April 27, 2008
God has little ways of hinting at you that your time on earth is running out. Little subtle ways. Tiny nuisances that say, you´ve been pretty arrogant up till now, but let me show you this. It´s just a little thing. But it will cause you to think, why? What´s happenin...
April 12, 2008
Lower sperm counts.
Lower interest.
Lower motivation.
Rising costs.
Men are slowly turning impotent.
This is a warning. The end of the world is at hand.
Not the end exactly as it sounds. Like everybody disappears. But the end of t...
April 09, 2008
President Bush shed a tear during a recent memorial to a U.S. Navy Seal killed in Iraq. Never mind that his own arrogant stupidity caused the war when he lied about taking out weapons of mass destruction that weren´t there.
Now, the story is, our troops are fighting t...
April 06, 2008
A North Korean propaganda leaflet was dropped on me from out of the sky by a MIG (North Korean) jet fighter. I was manning a checkpoint at the Bridge of No Return (The Loneliest Outpost in the World it was called then), in 1972. I looked up and saw leaflets fluttering down. I caught one.
...
March 29, 2008
Vogue Magazine´s cover picture of a basketball player and a model stirred controversy. It was deliberate. Magazines love controversy because it means sales. But some people said the picture of a raging Lebron James and a tall blonde furthered negative racial stereotypes.
...
March 26, 2008
Hillary Clinton, if elected, will definitely be a package deal. You get Bill Clinton with it. Or with her, rather. In fact, Bill´s taken matrimony one step farther, a way back to the White House and power.
Instead of "wedded bliss," we might call it a, "politically exp...
March 22, 2008
You´ve heard me many times complain about how many words the English language has, too many, many of them meaning the same thing. Why do we need three words that all mean the same thing? Like "screw," which can mean tightening a metal fastener.
Or, doing something unpl...
March 20, 2008
Don´t dare criticize China.
George Bush loves China. So did Nixon. The biggest terrorist facio (fascist)-capitalist state in the world.
The United States only attacks small, impoverished countries, like Iraq. We don´t dare take on China. They can fight back. The Chin...
March 01, 2008
I´ve incurred the wrath of the Free Republic, an arch conservative organization committed to domination of America by the extreme right wing.
My article "God and McCain are White" evidently made them mad.
They took out a page on their website and about twenty of ...
February 23, 2008
I´ve given up on many of my former dreams, of ever having them, like having an affair with Raquel Welch, taking George Bush into a back room and throttling him, of being tied up by Lindsay Lohan, or dropping my pants and peeing in front of the audience at the Academy Awards ceremony...
February 21, 2008
Okay. In the Democrat party…..it´s now down to two. You might say it´s Bama versus Maa-ma, or Bama versus Billary.
I said earlier it´s impossible for Barack Obama to become president because he is African American. America is still a racist country and how many votes does he think he...
December 17, 2007
Here are the eight simple, fundamental tenants, credos, Biblical type injunctions, absolutely necessary to be a member of the Right Wing party faithful. If you don’t follow each of these and I mean to the letter (the letter R for Right)…If you don’t do these…you’re a bad American, and you...
December 17, 2007
Here are five different options for having more sexual fun in the bedroom that you may not have thought of attempting as of yet, but will after I tell you how to do them. I assure you I have tried these myself with highly satisfactory results (at least for me).
First, a proviso...
November 18, 2007
American television stinks. They give out awards (Emmys) for producing crap. The best thing that ever happened was the writer’s strike, which partially shut down the foul industry. If only we could shut it all down.
Shows with lawyers and doctors and women who try to act and ...
November 18, 2007
Hollywood has done what Jim Crow rednecks in the South couldn’t…kill the Civil Rights Movement. They did it by keeping racism alive and well, but with a more subtle touch. Watch your TV set. Look at the African Americans on television.
How white they look. Light skins. Straight...
October 28, 2007
I don’t understand how the American people can kill 700,000 Iraqis in the name of justice and freedom, and never express remorse, nor even that it happened, seeing that most of these killed were innocent people. This includes women and children, whose only crime was they were in the wron...
October 22, 2007
The rampant growth of slobism worldwide is as distressing as it is disappointing, and disproves Darwin’s theory of evolution that things evolve for the better and more sophisticated.
In short. Slobs are taking over.
Think I’m wrong. Book an airline flight. Go ahead...
October 04, 2007
Reader’s note - I did an interview with actor Clint Eastwood. The interview was done for an obscure newspaper in Carmel, the Monterey County Post. Because the Post’s editor, Dan Hudson, was a personal friend of Eastwood, and I was an employee of Hudson at the time, I was called upon to do...
October 01, 2007
I’ve got a question more central to the universe and what we’re all about than any other. Why is it, that we eat our food with relish, like a juicy steak. We love it. But when our bodies process this food like they’re supposed to, and it comes out the under end…we disdain it?
T...
September 24, 2007
My wife loses her car keys. She’s good at it. There should be official recognition, an Oscar, crediting her brand of errant genius.
I know where my car keys are. On those rare occasions when I’ve lost them, I break out into a sweaty tremble with heart palpitations until they’re found.
I...
September 16, 2007
I finally figured it out. For months now, years really, since I’ve been opposing this wasteful, ruinous war, I’ve scratched my head and said, why does President Bush keep saying things that are false? Lies?
Why does he lie?
The weapons of mass destruction, we’ll f...
September 10, 2007
Open Letter to Obama
Mr. Barack O’Bama
Somewhere in the Beltway
D.C., (I don’t know the zip code)
Dear Mr. Obama:
I regret to inform you, that you have no possibility of becoming president because you are of African American her...
September 06, 2007
As President Bush goes into spin overdrive to convince the American people we’re winning in Iraq, listen to the words he and his cronies use.
The current in-word is “progress.”
This has been a word-smithed war……in which buzz words, good sounding words, are used to...
September 03, 2007
Why is high school football like Iraq?
Strange parallel, you might say. Not really. One leads to the other.
Let’s start with high school football. Football is the most important activity in your high school. If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be on the very first page of t...
August 27, 2007
In the future it will be possible to actually grow body parts on yourself from other races and creeds. Thus, you could have the head of a Hispanic person, the genitalia of an Eskimo, the knees of an African American, and the hair of a Swede (Swedish). This is beyond cloning.
This...
August 20, 2007
I’m a bad American.
I’m one of those bad Americans you’ve heard about if you watch Bill (Bully) O’Reilly on the Fox Right Wing Fanatic News Channel. Here are the reasons I’m a bad American.
I disagree with the president in a time of crisis. It’s a democracy and I ...
August 13, 2007
Golf has got to be the most ridiculous sport of all. It isn’t even a sport. I was at a golf course last week and I saw a guy who must have weighed three hundred pounds. He was as big as a whale.
He gets out of his cart (the cart trembles). He takes out a club and hits the tiny white...
August 04, 2007
That old line. That refrain. Where have I heard it before?
It’s a sure sign you’re not doing well in a war when you start accusing the other side of not fighting fair.
I’ve noticed lately, people are saying the insurgents in Iraq are evil cowards because they use in...
July 29, 2007
Barry Bonds needs his home run record sullied because he cheated.
The way to do it is to bring back the Roger Maris asterisk. Anybody remember Roger Maris, the New York Yankee who beat Babe Ruth’s home run record for season home runs by hitting 61 home runs (beating Ruth’s ...
July 25, 2007
So. It all comes down to this.
After four years of blunders, stupidity and deceit, this is it.
We’re all waiting breathlessly for a military general (Petraeus),
in September, to tell us whether Iraq is worth it. No civilians will be allowed to give their opinio...
July 07, 2007
Reader’s Note: I did an article insulting the intelligence of President George Bush, and because I have a conscience (unlike him), I decided, well, maybe this is a bit much, and threw it out. But then on July 4, Bush as always, acted in a manner proving everything I had said was true. So...
June 28, 2007
Reader's Note: The following is an excerpt from a novel I'm working on that in part recounts the frustrations of failure to achieve personal glory, and having to live in a series of dusty small towns. The character below is desperate for love, and seeks it at what he sees in the newspaper advertised...
June 27, 2007
You can’t get any more summer, or summerish, than July. July is the hottest month of the year, and the most American month because of the Fourth of July. And how do we celebrate that glorious day?
By exploding off Mexican made firecrackers that were originally a Chinese invention. I...
June 18, 2007
I’m Captain Sixties.
I’ll say it in a lower, more manly voice.
I’M CAPTAIN SIXTIES.
I pull back my shirt to reveal blue underwear with a big S on the chest. That stands for Captain Sixties.
CAPTAIN SIXTIES!!!!
You may ask, who is Capt...
June 16, 2007
German soldiers in World War Two wore belt buckles that said, “Gott Mitt Uns,” God is With Us. It’s hard to envision God wearing a Nazi uniform.
It makes me wonder seeing all the cars with bumper stickers that read, “God bless America,” or “God Bless Our Troops.”
Is this God?
...
May 29, 2007
I’m inbred!
My relatives hate me, just because I’m a sexual deviant and a coward.
Nobody’s perfect!
I’m Inbred! I’m inbred dammit! It’s not my fault.
Can I help it if all I want to do for the rest of my earthly existence is to spend it in bed, alternati...
May 28, 2007
We need new sports
Don’t you get tired of the same old sports? In baseball they throw a sphere covered with cowhide and a guy with a piece of wood tries to hit it. If he hits it, another guy tries to pick up the sphere and throw it to another guy before the guy who had the piec...
May 26, 2007
We live in an era when experimentation is encouraged. Don’t we? Don’t we? Sure we do.
Women are encouraged to go up on the space shuttle. Children swimming prodigies are welcomed making the icy swim from Alcatraz Island to San Francisco. What does this have to do with having sex w...
May 20, 2007
June is the first month of summer, and used to be the best month of all, but is now just another month. Because I made the mistake of growing up.
June used to be the month when school let out. School, the hated ordeal I despised, ended. Temporarily. My educational slavery ended....
May 13, 2007
This is it.
This is really the end…maybe. The end of the world.
I knew the end of the world wouldn’t be some spectacular thing, some giant asteroid plowing into earth, or a tidal wave, or even global warming (what’s a little heat after all?).
I knew whatever it...
May 06, 2007
Senator John (Bombs Away) McCain, raised his voice to a war protester, shouting at the man that our enemies were terrible people who cut heads off, strap bombs to babies and so on. All he-men action men shout loudly.
Of Course, the North Vietnamese were once terrible people too,...
April 28, 2007
One of the ways the Bush Administration misleads and flat out lies to you is through the use of buzz words and ridiculous phrases, all of them wildly inaccurate. Phrases on television.
Remember, I’m not a Democrat. I didn’t like Clinton either. I’m a conservative, who can’t...
April 23, 2007
May is a time for remembering mother, and for mother remembering to tell you that she’s never seen you looking so fat, and you realize that next month when you attempt to get into a bathing suit to go to the beach….she’ll be proven right.
Start starving now.
In fa...
April 16, 2007
Kinky. Kinky. Kinky. I hate that word. First of all, it originally applied to a knot in a rope. So, why do people take a perfectly respectful word and turn it into a sexual connotation? In this case, according to the dictionary, meaning eccentric sexual practices.
That doesn’t...
April 08, 2007
I know it’s a pretty basic question. Why is there hair on the tops of our heads? Why?
Most animals have fur all over their bodies, and that serves kind of as a protective coating. But we humans, we only have hair over certain portions of our bodies, and I have to think, there ...
April 02, 2007
Let me get this straight. The hijackers on 9-11 were Saudis. Bin Laden is a Saudi. The mastermind of the whole thing who confessed recently at our torture camp in Cuba is a Pakistani.
Why are we fighting a war in Iraq? When asked what Iraq had to do with 9-11, President Bush said, “...
March 24, 2007
Writer's note. This is the third installment of a portion of a book I'm writing about my attempts to become a movie actor in the 1970s.
Everybody sooner or later has to get lucky.
I did.
I’m in a dance movement class at the acting school, a waste of ...
March 18, 2007
Make Iraq a new American state, our 51st State of the Union.
I want all you Republicans out there to do something completely different. Something you’ve never done in your life. Something totally foreign to your nature.
Criticize a high up official in your own party. ...
March 17, 2007
April is a green, squishy month.
April is the month when it rained yesterday, and you look out in your front yard and it’s bright sunshine today, and everything is steaming. The earth is damp and steaming from the sunlight hitting it, the plants are steaming. The dog poop is st...
March 12, 2007
Writer's note: This is the second installment of a passage from a book I'm working on (the first snippet is titled Extra Work), that recounts in part my attempts to become a movie actor in the 1970s.
Here I am, trying out for a movie in Hollywood, and there’s a line of acting h...
March 04, 2007
Since I’m a clairvoyant who in these columns predicted Hurricane Katrina (see Doomsday Five), and the death of the crocodile hunter (see He’s a Crock), and the outcome of Saddam Hussein’s hanging (Next Prediction).
Since I’ve been right every time. I predicted the current state of...
February 18, 2007
Below is an excerpt from a book I'm working on that recounts (in part) some of my experiences as a fledgling actor back in the 1970s, when I was appearing in some really bad movies.
Here I am, fresh from the hinterlands, standing on the set of an actual movie. Actually, I’m sta...
February 03, 2007
Reader's Note: For anyone who doubts my psychic powers, the ability to predict the future, I wrote the column below four years ago at the start of the Iraq War. Pay particular attention to the fourth paragraph from the bottom.
Part of me died Wednesday when bombs started falling on Baghda...
January 25, 2007
February is a real strange month, because it’s sort of the beginning of the downside (ending) of winter, and it has two sort-of holidays, one on the way down (devalued), and of course, a non-holiday, Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day was named for the Roman emperor Valentini...
January 22, 2007
The war is lost.
I’m sorry. But I should tell the American people. The war is lost. We’re not going to win. And since not winning is not winning from a strictly military standpoint, it’s something else.
In Iraq we first tried to “shock and awe” them with our military p...
January 16, 2007
I’m the greatest clairvoyant since Rasputin. Maybe I’m Rasputin come back.
Why doesn’t the world know it?
Oh sure, go ahead. Mock me. You’ll see.
You doubt me? You think I’m bragging? Think I’m arrogant? Wasn’t it the boxer Cassius Clay Ali who once said, “if you don’...
January 06, 2007
I had a vision.
I’m not kidding.
I don’t know what to do about it or who to tell. I’ll just relate it here. I know you won’t believe me. It’s too incredible.
But it’s true.
I was out in my yard raking leaves, and a blinding light appeared in th...
January 01, 2007
You women out there, try to understand why the world is the way it is. Because of the way men are.
This is a primer for women on what they should know about men, because men rule the world. Oh sure, they let a few women in as tokens, but men are in real charge.
...
December 30, 2006
Americans are so good when it comes to operating in a vacuum and avoiding shared collective guilt.
Saddam Hussein was executed and no mention was made in the papers of America’s equipping of him and sponsoring him and guaranteeing his future. We made him what he became. We helped....
December 22, 2006
I’ve got a new career selling snail slime from Niger. The beautiful African country of Niger, formerly the world’s largest exporter of gnats, and yellow pancake for making A-bombs.
I imported three hundred and sixty Nigerian slime producing snails. What is snail slime used for...
December 11, 2006
What’s the deal with everybody walking around wearing Santa Claus hats? I saw a gal walking around the supermarket pushing a grocery cart, wearing a Santa Claus hat.
I got in my banged-up car, drove out of the supermarket parking lot, and there was a guy working on an old Volkswagen, down o...
December 11, 2006
This New Year’s holiday why don’t you do yourself a favor and skip those resolutions that you intend to fulfill, and try to carry out for three weeks, only to abandon. Instead, make non-resolutions that you have no intention of keeping from the start.
In other words, operat...
December 03, 2006
Don’t call it a Civil War
Shhhh! Don’t you dare call it a civil war in Iraq.
That will make Bush look bad. If we call it a civil war.
It’s not a civil war dammit!
It’s an insurrection by evil ones.
It’s an armed disagreement between t...
December 03, 2006
What Intelligent Design?
What is that?
I know what it is. It’s an end-run attempt by the creationist block led by the likes of Jerry Falwell and George Bush to get the Theory of Evolution thrown out of schools. Oh, they’ll deny it.
They...
November 18, 2006
We’re going to be out of everything except me, except old people. They’ll say, you got to go.
We’re going to be out of toilet paper. What do you do? Use a leaf to wipe your you-know-what? There won’t be any trees with leaves. I’ll have to use an empty old dead spiky tree br...
November 12, 2006
It’s time to gloat.
Nancy Pelosi, the new Speaker of the House of Representatives, said Democrats would not gloat over the downfall of the Republicans.
They wouldn’t make verbal attacks, celebrate, be smug, puff themselves up, engage in you-got-what-you-deserve type behavi...
November 11, 2006
Thanksgiving is coming, and I reflect on its history and the impact it has (however briefly) on our own daily lives.
Some of our holidays don’t make a lot of sense.
For instance, Thanksgiving comes right after Halloween. Halloween was once a pagan holiday to cel...
October 29, 2006
I’ve had it! Do you hear me? That’s all I’m gonna take. That’s all I can stand, I can’t stand no more.
I was in the shower measuring my thing, and it’s a centimeter shorter than last month. I held a ruler next to it. I’m pretty sure.
A full centimeter!
Why? W...
October 22, 2006
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All my life I have been burdened with an overwhelming sexual desire. That means I want to be doing it twenty four hours a day...
October 10, 2006
I’m not going out on Halloween this year, not after what happened last year. This year I’m going to stay home and hand out candy and get scared when the candy runs low and the kids are still coming, and panic thinking that if I run out, I’ll have to douse the candles on the pumpkins, turn out ...
October 10, 2006
The gods blind those they wish to destroy.
The Republicans, not satisfied with their disastrous performance, misleading the public into wars based on false evidence and assumptions, ignoring global warming, and the biggest spending debt in US history. More than all t...
October 04, 2006
The English language, the language of Shakespeare, is a glorious language that I have deep reverence for. And I’m very proud it’s my primary tongue (that doesn’t mean I think I’m better, just modestly and effortlessly superior…..like an Englishman).
I’m really English a...
September 28, 2006
The up is down president.
George Bush said the National Intelligence Estimate Report, which said our actions in Iraq were only furthering the development of worldwide terrorism, was wrong. The report, which came out in April, was held in secret until it was declassi...
September 24, 2006
You know!
It’s getting to be really sad.
I’m a true genius, the world’s greatest clairvoyant, soothsayer, prophet.
I’m greater than Rasputin.
And the world doesn’t recognize it. Doesn’t shower me with women and money, and women.
Here...
September 23, 2006
I’ve got the greatest car in the world. My 1982 Toyota Celica. You talk about your great cars. How great?
Let me give you an example. The clutch started to slip (it‘s a stick shift). But I could still drive the car. I drove that car for another year-and-a-half before the c...
September 13, 2006
Schizophrenia is much more than just being a screwed up psychopathic basket case nut. There are positive aspects too. What are the pros and cons?
First of all, if you’re schizophrenic, you have paranoid delusions of “persecution.” In other words, you think everybody is out to ge...
September 12, 2006
My false imaginary image of myself at sixteen as a romantic swinging James Bond (I went to the movies often and this was who I wanted to be) was severely injured when I went on the first real date of my life with a girl named Sally Wood. Bruce, a chubby boy who played drums in the s...
September 10, 2006
Do you?
1. Think you’re nothing.
2. Believe you’re a mistake of nature or lapse of contraception.
3. Feel you should be sodomized by a gorilla, not because you enjoy it, but because you deserve it.
4. Constantly wonder what the next disaster to befall you will be.
5. Dwell on eve...
September 10, 2006
After detailed study and hypothesis and soul searching, I have come to the conclusion that an entirely new concept in the field of science, Human Transferal Refraction, is a reality.
In other words, your spouse is really you, looking back at what you believe to be yourself.
...
September 10, 2006
Where have all the kid’s TV shows gone? Captain Kangaroo, Howdy Doody, Mister Rogers, Soupy Sales, Sheriff John.
Okay. There’s Barney, some guy in a lizard suit. But that’s PBS.
Why don’t kids have kiddie shows anymore? Look at what they’re missing. When we were kids, we g...
September 08, 2006
I realized when my daughter Brenna was born, that I was really, for the first time, vulnerable. Before, I thought I was an iron man. I was a rock, an island. The only one that could hurt me was me. That’s easy.
Then came Brenna.
As a toddler, she ate a dog vitamin with steroids in it...
September 08, 2006
I have been an extra sensory person for several years now, and I believe firmly that a regularly applied program of pressure point or suggestive or downright mental or physical psycho sexual stimulation can add years to your youth, darken your gray hair and erase wrinkle lines.
...
September 08, 2006
There’s something about me that really angers people. A nice guy like me.
Maybe it’s because I’m so open, vulnerable, intelligent, handsome. I don’t know.
It’s uncanny how I have this innocent ability to infuriate. If I could just channel it, find a way to make ...
September 07, 2006
Here are some poker tips on how you can shamefully and with great pettiness; malice and greed, cheat at cards by that most cheap shot of all----distracting your opponent.
Despicable right? Hey get a clue. If the Bronze Age (I’m a reincarnation of Ulysses) was the Age of Hero...
September 07, 2006
I had to play a joke on the maid at a hotel where I was staying. You know that little paper wrapper they place over the toilet seat, that thin paper band that is supposed to convince you that the facility is clean. You normally take the paper band off and throw it away when you go to use the john. I...
September 06, 2006
Okay, you’ve got these little pieces of wood on the ends of your fingers and toes called fingernails and toenails.
Why?
They’re not wood exactly, but a substance called “keratin,” a kind of solid protein just like the horn on a cow, or the tusk of a hog. This was your ...
September 06, 2006
The philosophy of naaa-yuck (literal translation from Tibetan to English means… no more yuck), encompasses approaching a god-like state by simply throwing off the shackles of stupidity, and vulgar animalisms.
Only by achieving a superior caste, at the very least, one notch up from ...
September 06, 2006
We’ve all heard the phrase, “no man is an island.”
Well, baby, I’m an island.
I’m the closest thing to it.
I’m a rock.
And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.
Shielded in my armor. I’ve got my poetry to protect me.
...
September 06, 2006
If Franz Kafka were Lou Costello
(A client gets a call from Bob Later).
My name is Later, Bob. Just make it Later.
Okay Bob.
I said to call me Later.
Okay Bob.
Call me Later.
Okay. Bob.
I said to call me Late...
September 06, 2006
A man needs a hobby.
I guess I’m not well-rounded. I seldom take a vacation (never, come to think of it), and I don’t spend a whole lot of time in church, though I do not consider myself a pagan.
All I do is work to pay a bill, and I’m approximately forty eight h...
September 06, 2006
I’ve got the answer. But nobody will listen, because I’m just an obscure columnist.
I’ve got it! The way to fight terrorism. The way to deal with it
Not the stupid way Bush does it, conquering land like it‘s World War Two. He can’t think out of the box, get his head ...
September 06, 2006
There are certain parts of the human body I just can’t figure out.
For example, testicles, you know, the little round reproductive spheres men have.
Why testicles?
What do they do?
If you’re a woman, the best way I can describe...
September 05, 2006
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Diary Complaints
By John Sammon
My wife keeps a diary, and sometimes leaves it open with the last entry in view on the coffee table. I'm a person who wouldn't want to read another person's diary, ...