Finally, English Is Going To Be Official

Gee, I hate it when I learn things I should have known years ago. I learned today I have been speaking English unofficially for almost sixty years. That?s right, if you have speaking English, it?s been unofficially. Apparently, our President has declared that English will be our official language. Just what does that mean?official?

The possibilities roll around in my head. For example, if I go to a Chinese restaurant, should I not order General Tso?s chicken? It?s not an English word. Instead, will the Chinese restaurants have to name it something else? You know, something like?uh, let?s see?spicy chicken with really gooey syrup on it? It doesn?t seem right to me, but who am I?

Will Federal agents swarm on your local Taco Bell looking for someone ordering a Taco? Taco isn?t an English word. Instead of ordering a taco, you?re going to have to order?uh, browned spoiled hamburger with moldy lettuce and hot sauce. It doesn?t seem right.

I guess there are some good points to the idea of making English an official language. The police will stop using that goofy phrase ?click it or ticket.? I hate that phrase and I hate having to stop at roadside police traps so the police can make sure I?m wearing my harness. Now they can start a new phrase, ?speak it or teekit.? That?s right, the police will now be able to record your conversations to ensure you?re speaking the official language. Now, instead of being arrested for drunk driving you can be arrested for DWS (Driving While Spanish). I thought the day would never come. ?Honey, could you bail me out of jail? I was caught ordering a fajita over an intercom.?

Don?t think you?re going to be able to get away with it. Not even the coziest booths at your local bistro will save you. The NSA will begin tapping your karaoke clubs. If one person begins to sing ?Anna Maria Lena,? they will be swiftly swept away to the local English-speaking jail.

It just doesn?t seem right to me. I was beginning to learn some really vulgar Spanish words. They were rolling off my tongue like marbles from a gunnysack. Now, I must erase them from my thoughts. No more trying to pander to my Pan American friends. It?s over. It?s all over. I hate it when this kind of thing happens. It just doesn?t seem right.