Autistic sexuality and relationships
Donna Williams
March 19, 2009
What non-spectrum individuals find attractive in partners with an ASC
What differences exist in the ratings of initial attraction between non-spectrum individuals with an ASC partner versus non-spectrum individuals with non-spectrum partner
What individuals with an ASC find attractive in non-spectrum partners
I've invited her to send me 5 questions based on her research interest. Here's that interview:
BELINDA
Are you currently in a relationship?
DONNA
Hi Belinda, yes, I am. But to give you some history, family breakdown lead me to live with men from my mid teens to survive homelessness. After 10 years of what was essentially 'domestic prostitution' I had learned how to 'do' some semblance of relationships. After that I fell in love in my 20s with someone who had elements of being on the spectrum but because of acute Exposure Anxiety and attachment disorder, I couldn't manage. In my 30s I married someone also on the spectrum who probably fitted Schizoid Personality Disorder and ended up leaving me the day after the 2nd wedding anniversary and demanding half of everything I'd ever earned. I then entered a lesbian relationship for 3 years with a recovered alcoholic. Finally I met my husband, Chris in my mid 30s. We've been married 8 years and together 9 years. He's high up in I.T and identifies with ADD, Dyspraxia and Asperger's, and may be Hyperlexic.
BELINDA
What initally attracted you to your partner or potential partners?
DONNA
Initially, it was that he was very shy and socially inept and I had Exposure Anxiety with context blindness, face blindness and a degree of social emotional agnosia so neither of us could read the signals, we just had to be totally straight forward and that was sweet and comical. He's very sensory but also solitary and that matters to me as I'm very kinesthetic and very solitary too and we both had a really strong bent for social justice and generosity of spirit...we're both 'helpers'. He's a very nurturing character and our strengths and weaknesses complimented each other hugely. I asked him to marry me because he was the warmest, simplest, most real human and we were very sensual together. I wrote of our relationship in a book called Everyday Heaven.
BELINDA
If you are in a relationship, are any of the aspects of your partner unattractive to you? If so what are they?
DONNA
Well whatever bugs me I wouldn't change. But he's very Aspie and I'm very autie which means he is totally details oriented and a theorist who reads everything before doing anything. I have some meaning deafness (verbal agnosia) and the same with print (visual verbal agnosia) so reading and listening are not my strengths. So I'm very kinesthetic and activist and contrary to the stereotypes of Asperger's, I'm a global thinker... I feel my world because in terms of details thinking I'm so compartmentalised that if I go that way everything but the piece I'm on disappears so its futile. I don't faff around theorising, I DO and I intuit my world because I can't internally mentalise like he can. So he finds I rush in and make mistakes along the way, I feel he frustrates me with a style of instruction I can't use. But he is also a great facilitator and he's learned, contrary to his nature, to teach me kinesthetically through patterning. That's just awesome for someone as cerebral as he is.
BELINDA
How do you feel your Autism Spectrum Disorder has affected your relationship with your partner?
DONNA
oh dear. Well, my autism is a fruit salad and it includes a load of things which compound to contribute to the degree of my autism and so, to function, require management. This included gut, immune, metabolic disorders and that has meant he has adapted to the impact of my diet on our household and life beyond the house. It's a dietary disability. I also have co-morbids – rapid cycling bipolar, tourette's tics, OCD, Exposure Anxiety, social phobia, and I'm medicated for those but it means he's living with someone managing mental health issues and that has been colorful but he's a real star the way he always sees ME, the PERSON and that's essential. I have agnosias – verbal and visual ones and some remnants of body agnosias. That is endearing, intriguing to him and he adapts so wonderfully to what is sometimes maybe like living with an alien. My challenges up the tempo of my personality traits too so sometimes I'm somewhat Schizotypal or Masochistic and I can get so Vigilant I can't trust at all, then swing into social oblivious la-la-land so it's always a colorful household. He told me he loves me. I asked him 'which one' and he said 'all of them equally.
Around the other way, I have struggled with him pursuing me with Hyperlexic delight in New Scientist articles or wanting to tell me all the politics of a fight between Linux and Sco and that drives a meaning deaf person bonkers! I've taught him to use objects, gestural signing and diagrams and reduce everything to bullet points and he can! Which is a relief. He also lives in an intellectual world but I'm in an art one so we SEE differently. He sees with his mind. I see kinesthetically and musically. Sometimes I find he wants to fill my brain with details and he also is certain his way of doing things is the logical way which as someone who navigates in a kinesthetic intuitive way, that's often really annoying. But I wouldn't change him.
BELINDA
Is there anything you wish you could change about your current relationship?
DONNA
Nope. Can't think of anything. We are always adapting anyway.
The aim of Belinda's research is to learn about relationships involving individuals with an Autism Spectrum Conditions. To date, there is very little research on relationships and attraction among individuals with an ASC. Understanding this is the key to developing further social skills development programs, and providing assistance in this important domain.
Here's the link to the study:
http://www.deakin.edu.au/psychology/research/relationshipsautism/
Donna Williams
http://www.donnawilliams.net
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