Can You See Me Now

The holidays are finally over and anything without an elastic waistband causes my face to turn purple from lack of proper blood circulation. Has anyone seen my waistline? I know I had it here, somewhere, a few weeks ago but it's gone now. I can't have nothin'. For the past few years I seem to lose something every time I turn around. Take my perfect 20/20 vision for instance...well...actually don't. I think somebody already took it.

If you've ever brushed your teeth in Vagisil or sprayed your hair with Raid, that's a pretty good sign that it's time to go get an eye exam. For one of those two reasons, and I'm not saying which one, I went to see my Optometrist the other day. To the amazement of absolutely no one I found out that I need to get bifocals. Oh, and also I have a cataract in my right eye.

Incidentally, I'm going to get a bumper sticker for my Jeep that reads: "My other car is a cataract." Bwahahahaha...ahem.

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, the eye exam. I hadn't seen Dr. Crossai in almost 20 years but he hadn't changed a bit. He didn't look like he'd aged a day -- at least until his assistant helped me insert my new contact lenses.

Seriously, he is wonderful doctor and he has such a great chair-side manner. I wasn't a bit nervous having him shine laser beams into my eyes and I didn't even flinch (much) when he almost blew out my eye balls with "Puff the Magic Pressure Hose" as he checked my eyes for signs of Glaucoma. His calm demeanor puts his patients at ease that way. That's why I didn't scream and rend my garments when he informed me of my cataract.

However, I began to worry about it later after I got home. So, as I always do when I learn I have something else that might maim or kill me, I searched the Internet for information on cataracts, their cause, treatment and cure.

According to my research, the only cure is surgery. The only treatment is surgery when glasses or contact lens no longer improve vision. The surgery should be performed only when vision loss interferes with your everyday activities, such as driving, reading, watching TV or...um...seeing. The only good news I read was that it takes several years for the cataracts to develop to a size where they severely affect your vision.

But wait! That was for the normal people. I'm anything but that. Everything affects me differently than it does most people. I still have some medical problems that the doctors have never been able to diagnose. I finally grew weary of all the sharp needles and scalpels and surgery scars. I stopped allowing them to poke and prod at me in an attempt to name that illness. I'll just wait for the autopsy, Dr. House. Thankyouverymuch.

So now I'm sitting her thinking that if it takes a normal person several years to suffer symptoms from cataracts, how long will it take me? My hair grows really fast. To keep the style looking the same as when I first got it done, I need to have it trimmed every two weeks. My nails grow at about the same rate as ragweed. I can cut them short today and by next week they look like Dolly Parton's. (Her nails, dude! Lower your eyebrows.)

And I think I am about the only woman in history who can go from 120 lbs. to 159 lbs. in 0.3 weeks.

So, in light of all that, I'm thinking my cataract should be ready to be removed in say, roughly, about 48 hours.

Oh and if you should happen to see someone wearing a waistline that fits into a size 8 waistband, give me a call; it's probably mine.