SEAN PENN ADMITS USING STEROIDS IN MILK

Two-Time Oscar Winner Says Performance-Enhancing Drugs "Always There"

"I've Been Juiced Since Taps"

Oscars Must Be Returned, But Star Relieved He Can Now "Stop Acting"

() Disassociated Press

by B. Elwin Sherman -- Special To The Glitter Twitter

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA (DP) Award-Winning actor and social activist Sean Penn revealed today that he's been a regular user of steroids since his film debut in the movie Taps in 1981.

"I'm just glad I don't have to pretend anymore," he said, holding the Best Actor Oscar he won for his powerful portrayal of the late gay rights spokesman and politician Harvey Milk in the film Milk. This is his second win since collecting the honor for his role as Jimmy Markum in Clint Eastwood's 2003 Mystic River.

But, in a move that will soon turn Hollywood's Oscar winning roles rolls upside-down, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has ruled that Mr. Penn must return both of the coveted statuettes.

"There's no joy in Tinseltown today," said Sid Ganis, current President of AMPAS. "We must have a zero-tolerance policy for any actor using any methodology that might artificially boost their ability to be someone else."

Mr. Penn says that he will not return the awards. "Ganis can kiss my Piñón pee-pee," he snapped (a reference to his own Spanish heritage). "I'm not taking that from a guy who's had one mute bit part in an Indiana Jones film. Pompous peon. This guy produced Deuce Bigalow, and he's gonna preach to ME about acting?"

When reached on the set of I Dream Of Jeannie, where he is producing the movie update of the popular 1960's sitcom scheduled for release in 2010, Mr. Ganis said: "That's typical Sean Penn. He's been known to drop a blonde bombshell before. Well, today he just dropped a bomb."

This reporter has also learned that "investigations are now underway" into the part that acting-potentiating drugs may have played in the movies of Bruce Willis, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Meg Ryan.

In a related story, baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez denies that he´s been playing a late-season also-ran "just for the camera."

Stay tuned.

For more on this and other spoof news stories from B. Elwin Sherman's "Disassociated Press," please visit his Humorist-On-Loan blog!