LOU DOBBS AND NANCY GRACE TO HEAD COMMERCE DEPARTMENT

Suspected Kidnapped Illegal Alien Welfare Cheater Babies Will Be Top DOC Priority

Endless Jailhouse Interviews Promised

No More "Dirty Business As Usual"

From the Disassociated Press by B. Elwin Sherman -- Border Family Finances Editor

THE WHITE HOUSE-- (DP) White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced today that President Obama will be submitting the names of Lou Dobbs AND Nancy Grace as his co-nominees to head the Department of Commerce.

"We know it's unprecedented," said Mr. Gibbs.  "But, after the Judd Gregg misstep, the President is looking for a strong team commitment.  Both Mr. Dobbs and Ms. Grace have accepted the President's invitation to serve, and they've been thoroughly vetted."

The new Co-Designates each bring unique talents to the DOC, rudderless since both Governor Bill Richardson and Senator Judd Gregg opted out of the appointment.

"Two of the Department's operating units will be the first to undergo radical changes," said Gibbs. "Mr. Dobbs will be immediately overhauling the DOC's Minority Business Development Agency. I think it's safe to say that he'll be transforming the MBDA, emphasizing the 'minor' in 'minority.'

"I mean, this is Lou Dobbs, after all," he added.  "The man doesn't even wear brown shoes."

Ms. Grace will also bring her own special flair and expertise to Commerce.  "She's already submitted a plan to completely restructure the Bureau of the Census," said Gibbs. 

Under a Dobbs/Grace stewardship, the new operating credo at the DOC's BOC will be simple and direct:  You can't run, you can't hide, and you can do it on television for months after ad nauseam months on end.   

Dobbs will also join forces to employ innovative digital imaging satellite house-to-house tracking technologies.  They will find, capture, execute and deport every illegal Alien welfare cheater baby's suspected kidnapper, in that order.  They'll also conduct endless, exclusive televised jailhouse interviews with everyone's estranged grandparents.

"No more free rides at Commerce," said a smiling Gibbs.

Will this mean that from now on, the only good illegal Alien welfare cheater baby suspected kidnapper will be a dead illegal Alien welfare cheater baby suspected kidnapper?

Mr. Gibbs confirmed: "You want stimulus? You got stimulus."

For more on this and other spoof news stories from B. Elwin Sherman's "Disassociated Press," please visit his Humorist-On-Loan blog!