Living for myself
Shabd A. Sharma
May 07, 2006
When your heart breaks, you feel down. You find darkness everywhere around you. Everything seems meaningless to you. You find your own life meaningless. You can face this kind of situation at any stage of your life; it’s not limited to teen age. A few days ago, I had read an interview with Michael Gorbachev on the Time, where he had said he felt devastated at the loss of his wife. Time heals every wound; and he composed himself, and started learning to smile again. That helped me too to recover from a position I used to think comeback was impossible.
I passed through that phase and started feeling left alone in the world. I am not good at making friends but I feel from the depth of my heart for my friends if I made any. But nobody understood me. At present, I can call none or a very few persons as my friends. During the college time, I made a friend. I could have made many friends but I preferred her at the cost of every other person. Life seemed so beautiful when we were together and we were friends. Later she stopped talking to me leaving me alone. As I cannot intentionally make friends, I have to depend on coincidence to make a new friend. When she stopped communicating with me for no reason I did not try to pursue her for two reasons: First, because of my ego and second, I thought that it might have hurt her had I tried to force her to talk to me in case she really did not like to talk to me.
Thus ended our friendship. I was never before tired of life so much than when I was tired of it for few days following this incident. Darkness prevailed everywhere. Life seemed meaningless. At one point I thought of committing suicide as the only way to make myself free from nonsense feelings, emotions, past memories and unfulfilled dreams.
After a few months, I analyzed myself. May be I was unworthy to be her friend. May be it was my character that repulses people from me. Or it may be equally right that I choose wrong persons for friendship. So I pulled myself back to normalcy from a point from where I earlier used to think that coming back is impossible. May be I cannot change myself at this point, but at least I can smile again and live my life for myself.
I passed through that phase and started feeling left alone in the world. I am not good at making friends but I feel from the depth of my heart for my friends if I made any. But nobody understood me. At present, I can call none or a very few persons as my friends. During the college time, I made a friend. I could have made many friends but I preferred her at the cost of every other person. Life seemed so beautiful when we were together and we were friends. Later she stopped talking to me leaving me alone. As I cannot intentionally make friends, I have to depend on coincidence to make a new friend. When she stopped communicating with me for no reason I did not try to pursue her for two reasons: First, because of my ego and second, I thought that it might have hurt her had I tried to force her to talk to me in case she really did not like to talk to me.
Thus ended our friendship. I was never before tired of life so much than when I was tired of it for few days following this incident. Darkness prevailed everywhere. Life seemed meaningless. At one point I thought of committing suicide as the only way to make myself free from nonsense feelings, emotions, past memories and unfulfilled dreams.
After a few months, I analyzed myself. May be I was unworthy to be her friend. May be it was my character that repulses people from me. Or it may be equally right that I choose wrong persons for friendship. So I pulled myself back to normalcy from a point from where I earlier used to think that coming back is impossible. May be I cannot change myself at this point, but at least I can smile again and live my life for myself.
Print
Email
