'I Fired the Minister from My Mother's Funeral'

When you ask Barbara Kaufmann of Wisconsin about funeral service, be prepared to hear a powerful story.

"My mother was from the generation that fell in love with the music and voice of an obscure young man from Memphis, a white boy who sounded black and was considered scandalous for his pelvic gyrations while performing. The teens of the fifties loved him for the beat of his music and the velvet voice he sang with. He went on to become the king of Rock 'n Roll but Elvis was also a dedicated Christian and sang his heart into gospel music. All her life, my mother adored him, collected memorabilia, played his recordings, watched his movies and mourned his death. When she died, I wanted to play a montage of his gospel music at her visitation and to play Elvis' recording of 'Amazing Grace' at the end of her funeral service planned at her Lutheran Church. The minister told me that 'Elvis wasn't appropriate in the church.' I reminded him that Elvis was a gospel singer. He replied that 'Elvis was not going to perform in his church.´"

While the playing of music on CD remains a common clergy denial, Barbara's reaction was uncommon as she stood up for her beliefs in having a meaningful farewell.

"'You will not be performing my mother's funeral service,' I hissed. 'You will not be officiating at her service, at the funeral home, nor at your church where it appears some are not welcome. My mother is no longer your member or benefactor and if there was any way I could overrule her will and the money she left to your church, I would do it. Oh, and one more thing... I want you to know that when my mother got to heaven it was Elvis who met her at the pearly gate. He will be singing her eulogy. You're fired.'"

Barbara did what few are prepared to do while grieving. She refused to give up Elvis.

"You would have had to know my mother to know her obsession with him. Her 'Elvis thing' was truly part of her identity. She had Elvis watches, dolls, clocks, ashtrays, trinkets, jewelry, shirts...you name it. Everyone who knew my mom knew about her love for Elvis. Everyone was required to give her at least one Elvis gift or card every Christmas. She also loved Las Vegas and went often in her prime later years (thus the supper/night club around the corner we visited weekly when she first diagnosed terminal) and she saw just about every Elvis impersonator in Vegas. Her friends and family all knew -- her minister obviously never really knew her. I was really dismayed about her leaving all that money to him. Elvis was a gospel singer! How could this minister be so narrow in his thinking? And how could I have left Elvis out of my mother's death when he was such a big part of her life?" Barbara asked. "This represents to me, the narrow minded-ness of clergy and the arrogance and exclusivity of 'the church.' I am a peacemaker. So many, many wars on this planet were/are fought over religion. Now that mind set has devolved to planet-wide terrorism over...'My God's better than your God.' I reacted to the patriarchal, superior and arbitrary attitude of the minister (and Lutheranism and many other isms for that matter) He spewed and epitomized tribalism. Tribal thinking is what divides, creates wars, supports servitude and slavery and kills people. The minister in his smug patriarchal scolding of me about Elvis represented all of that to me. His veto of Elvis was so ignorant as well as thoughtless and arbitrary. All I could think of was...you are so fired! I didn't want him at all."

While other family members were surprised at the pastor's refusal to play the music, they had to find a meeting ground.

"My brother was aghast at what I had done and stood with mouth agape. My outburst at the pastor took him completely by surprise -- not my outrage, but my lack of diplomacy. He agreed with me that the whole thing made no sense and was outrageous. He, of course, knew of Mom's love for Elvis so he knew the church was no longer an option since Elvis wasn't welcome. But he did beg me later to allow the minister to officiate at the funeral home because he was, after all, her pastor. I reluctantly agreed, but we moved the service from the church to the funeral home; the minister's 'tribute' made it very apparent to my brother and me that the man didn't really know our mother at all. Even greater was my sadness that my mother would pay his salary for at least the next year."

Barbara has many memories of her mother's final days that played into the funeral service. "Mom was dying of cancer and she lived with me until the end. On Friday nights, I used to take her to a supper club around the block for Karaoke and she loved the couple who hosted and performed every weekend. So when she passed, I asked the woman to sing at her funeral and she agreed. She sang Bette Midler's 'The Rose' to my mother for the last time. We played a looping recording with clips of Elvis ballads and gospel songs during her visitation and before and after the funeral. We ended her service with a recording of Elvis singing 'Amazing Grace.' Everyone who knew my mother was both smiling and weeping openly," Barbara remembered, "And I swear that out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mom and Elvis dancing."

Since her mother's funeral, Barbara has become an ordained Ecumenical Minister. Her personal experience has changed the way she views the importance of a funeral, "I would NEVER prohibit a family from celebrating the life of their loved one in the way they believe best."

To visit the work of Reverend Barbara Kaufmann visit www.soulwhisperer.net or www.onewordsmith.blogspot.com.

Pictured: Reverend Barbara Kaufmann

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