Things Went Wrong in the Funeral: Forgiveness for Funeral Mistakes While Facing Loss

This is Part Three of a four part series in which friends and family members speak for themselves, by sharing their stories when things went wrong in the funeral. Families remember the day of the funeral forever.

Does a perfect funeral exist? In the best set of circumstances, elements in a funeral sometimes do go awry. Whether human error or things beyond human control, families are oftentimes forgiving.

UK Celebrant Charles Cowling, author of "The Good Funeral Guide," has experienced those moments that make a funeral unique.

"I think of the lady whose second husband I did a ceremony for. One of her catchphrases for her first husband was, 'You'll be late for your own funeral!' On the day of the funeral, the hearse arrived at the house, set off in solemn cortege and, halfway to the crematorium, broke down. He was indeed late for his own funeral and she has been chuckling about it ever since. I always think that, where funerals are concerned, seamless is soulless. It's the wonky bits that make them human and memorable -- just as it was the wonky, exasperating things about the dead person that made them so lovable and memorable," Cowling reminded. "My friend James of Family Tree Funerals is a great one for family involvement and always gets the family to carry the coffin. When it's an all-women team and the graveyard is especially tussocky it can be a perilous undertaking -- and all the more hilarious and meaningful for it. Dealing with dead bodies is not done best by professionals dedicated to getting it RIGHT. Whoopsy moments are the making of a good funeral -- a real funeral."

For Michael Straus, President of Straus Communicatinos in San Francisco, a funeral error was the last thing he expected after his mother, Ellen Straus, passed away.

"Mom was amazing. She died at home. We promised her on her deathbed to help use her death to raise money for the pioneering environmental conservation non-profit that she co-founded Marin Agricultural Land Trust (www.malt.org) to preserve Marin County farmland. Some of her last words to me were about that. So, I put on my public relations hat, wrote the obit … New York Times, Associated Press and many others." Straus noted, "We raised more than $250,000."

With a powerful obituary and successful fundraising effort, Straus said things went wrong at graveside.

"After I, and many others, shoveled dirt onto my mother's grave in December 2002, it turned out that they put her in the wrong plot. I heard the gravediggers as they talked and realized their mistake. As our group left, they began the process of digging mom out. It was all rather surreal, coming on the heels of writing the obit for my mom." With a forgiving heart, Straus said, "The funeral mistake was actually comic relief. I mean, who gets buried in the wrong plot??!!"

The reception after the funeral went beautifully, as Ellen Straus told her family that she wanted a party after she died. She even designated who should do the catering and requested there be no chicken salad. "Mom knew what food she wanted catered for her memorial at our farmhouse – and what she didn't want," Straus added.

To read about Michael Straus, his business and the role his parents played in his thinking link to www.StrausCom.com The stories of Ellen and her husband, Bill Straus, live online as the family has created a memorial site in their honor.

For Bernie Wagenblast, the funeral mistake was all in delivery of a name: the name of the decedent.

"At my grandmother's funeral in the early 80s, our pastor confused my grandmother's middle name for her first name and used it repeatedly throughout the service. My grandmother was living in California but her funeral was in New Jersey. Our pastor had never met her, but we told him a bit about her. Of course, everyone in attendance knew her first name was Rose despite her being called Madeline. Actually, Madeline wasn't her middle name, it was Magdelina, but Madeline was close enough. There wasn't an opportunity for the family to say anything to the pastor but my mother-in-law was up front playing the piano during the service and at one point she had a chance to pass the pastor a note correcting him. He went on using the correct name and acting as if nothing had changed," Wagenblast remembered. "For us, it provided some humor to a somber day and no one in my family was upset with the mistake. The pastor was a friend and remained our pastor until his retirement nearly twenty years later."

Jill Houk, a chef from Chicago, experienced a funeral in her own family where someone had to speak up during the service.

"My poor mother lost her father and mother within six months of one another. The two had been divorced since my mother was a small child and they despised one another, often causing great stress for my mother. Since my mom had just had her father's funeral, she contacted the same priest to conduct my grandmother´s funeral. Both of my grandparents lived out of town, so the priest was unfamiliar with them. Although my mother told the priest her parents were divorced, the information didn't stick with him," Houk said. "During my grandmother's funeral, he kept mentioning how my grandmother and grandfather were reunited in heaven. After the second mention, my mother piped up and said, 'Father, they were divorced and my mother's widower is sitting right next to me.' Luckily, my mother had a great sense of humor about it, and thanked God that that would be the last time her parents' disagreements would publicly embarrass her."

Chris Stanley remembers attending a family funeral as a child. A moment of levity lifted their grief. "The first funeral I ever attended was for my great uncle. I was probably 10. My uncle lived in rural Missouri. I was with the family on the front row. There was a small choir behind a curtain to perform some hymns before the service began. The first and second hymns were fine, except that there was one choir member who was quite loud and off key. Then the third hymn started. The piano started with one song, MOST of the choir started on a different song, while the loud and off key member started on yet a third song. They did quickly stop and get on the same page, but by then my mother, cousin and I were in tears from laughter and we started looking for the exits. Since we were trapped on the front row and the only way out was to walk by all of the other funeral goers, we had to sit and try to turn our laughter to tears," Stanley explained. "We were not able to control our laughing through the rest of the funeral."

Although Stanley's great aunt was never upset at their laughter, when she passed away she got a bit of good natured "revenge" with Stanley. "Unbeknownst to me, she had it written in her burial instructions that I perform the funeral." Stanley added, "Luckily, it was only a small graveside service."

Things sometimes go wrong and the family quickly accepts it. Jeremy Pepper and his family dealt with a missing item in a ceremony for the unveiling of the tombstone. "After my Zaidi (Yiddish for Grandfather) had been buried for a year, we forgot to have the tombstone delivered. So, the unveiling was held without a tombstone," Pepper said. "There was no crying - but laughter, as it was fitting because he had a good sense of humor and would have been laughing with us."

Pictured: Ellen Straus, mother of Michael Straus (Photo by Suzanne Parker)

For Part One of this article series link to Things Went Wrong in the Funeral: Mistakes and Funeral Errors Affect the Healing Process

For Part Two of this article series link to Things Went Wrong in the Funeral: We Carry Funerals with Us for Life

For Part Four of this article series link to Things Went Wrong in the Funeral: Scenes from Funerals Remain Fresh in Our Memories

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