Things Went Wrong in the Funeral: We Carry Funerals with Us for Life

This is Part Two of a four part series in which friends and family members speak for themselves, by sharing their stories when things went wrong in the funeral. Families remember the day of the funeral forever.

For public relations executive Theresa Chavez, she remembers the funeral for her father, Carlos Chavez, as though it happened yesterday.

"My father passed away unexpectedly in June 2008 and his funeral was a mess. He was Catholic and I am not. I'm an only child, my father never discussed his wishes and I personally haven't attended many funerals myself. As you can see this could be a recipe for disaster, and I still cringe every time I think about his funeral. I feel so guilty that it was so awful, and have to wonder if the folks in attendance thought I didn't love my dad because the funeral was so bad," Theresa said. "The Rosary the night before was wonderful. Lots of people came to pay their respects, there were lots of flowers, we brought lots of pictures and had Elvis playing – his favorite. Several people got up to speak, including myself and it was a warm and heartfelt night. The priest couldn't make it so they sent a Deacon, who was wonderful. He could tell my father loved golf, had a large extended family and was a Vietnam vet, and even though he didn't know him personally he made it seem like they'd shared good times together. I was told that night that a certain Father would handle the funeral the next day. I had spoken to him once, when I called to see if he wanted to ask me questions about my dad so that he could get to know him. He said, 'No, I have the obit and that's enough.' He also said just be sure to line up three people to do some readings, but he couldn't tell me what the readings would be."

The Father was late to the funeral, which was held at the funeral home instead of the church.

"As a public relations executive, I started to panic and wanted to come up with plan B. The people doing the readings had no idea what they were going to say or be called upon to say them. The Father finally arrived and I asked him for the run of show. He spewed all kinds of things that I didn't understand, as I'm not Catholic, and gave me copies of the readings to hand out," Theresa remembered. "He started off with a prayer and a short talk, calling my Dad, 'Mr. Chavez,' because he didn't know him. What happened to just calling him Carlos, whether you know him or not? He then kept going on and on about Google and GPS, God positioning systems, and poorly trying to make an analogy to God being your compass. It sucked. Then, without warning, he says we needed to close the casket. I went up and asked, 'What are you doing? Is this customary?' And he said, 'Yes.' So, in the middle of the service, I had to help the woman pack him up, kiss him goodbye and close the lid. Totally upset me because I wasn't expecting it and I also knew folks arrived late and hadn't had a chance to pay their final respects."

Theresa asked the Father to make time for people to speak at the funeral. "I knew one family friend wanted to speak and he gave her time to speak, but he never opened the floor after that. So, the whole thing was rushed and didn't have the warm feelings of the night before. It left me cold and I didn't even cry because it was apparent he was talking about someone he didn't know. Then, we went to the graveside and he was late again. Wearing my public relations hat, I kept the show going. When the organizer asked if I wanted to do Taps first, I said, 'Yes. Let's keep it going!'" Theresa explained. "The Father ran in after that, said a lame prayer that I can't even remember, and that was that. We griped the whole way to the after party about how lousy the service was. And I just can't help thinking that people who didn't know me, but knew my Dad, and didn't go to the Rosary would have thought that I couldn't care less that my father was gone and that was just not the case. The only thing my father ever said about his final arrangements was, 'Do whatever makes you happy.' That's what I tried to do and it was a total bomb! He deserved better than the total cluster that was his funeral."

Beyond his funeral, Theresa carries wonderful memories of her father. "My dad was full of life, cherished time with his family and was an avid photo and video taker. I'm his only child and he never missed an opportunity to tell me how proud he was of me, how I made him happy and that he loved me more than anything in the whole wide world. We spent the last four years golfing together extensively, which he said were his happiest times. He'd taught me to golf when I was young, but I moved away from the sport for many years, and I'm so happy we spent almost every weekend on the course, cracking jokes, having fun and trying to improve our games. He was always there when I needed him and I'm thankful that I could be there for him, too," Theresa said. "We weren't able to say final goodbyes, but I was there when his heart took its last beats. Thankfully, we both know how much we loved the other and that gives me great comfort."

There is a time and place for everything, but a funeral is not the time and place for full disclosure. When Bill* was asked to give a eulogy and be a pallbearer in a friend's funeral, he was honored. But, what happened at the funeral was far more than a simple surprise.

"My friend was a lesbian, but she wasn't public about it. The administration where she taught didn't know. It was a small Southern town and everyone minded their own business. At the funeral, one of her ex-lovers was asked to give a eulogy. When she started to speak, she said, 'When I heard she died, it reminded me of the song House of New Orleans, it is the ruin of many a young girl, in fact I know I am one.' That was when a couple of women stood up and declared they were one of the seduced girls as well. Even worse, she went on to talk about their whole relationship, about my friend's sexuality and saying that she was promiscuous. I turned and looked at my wife, who was shocked, and then turned to see the expressions on all of the faces. There were 150 people there including her family, colleagues, clergy and friends. The funeral became a free for all. It was transforming into something that was definitely not a funeral. Finally, I jumped up from my seat, thanked her for speaking and that's when I changed the direction of the funeral and brought it back on track by saying, 'I'm here because she was my best friend and everyone loved her.' I told everyone what a wonderful friend she was and refocused the funeral on her life," Bill* said. "She would have been devastated by what happened because she kept her personal life private. Afterwards, her sister and daughter thanked me for what I did, but no one will ever forget that funeral."

In facing a funeral, family members are so overwhelmed that the unexpected happens. When Penny Haynes attended a funeral that is exactly what happened: the unexpected.

"One of the sons tried to raise his mother from the dead - right there in front of the coffin. I am a Christian, and understood the concept, but he was just so devastated at the loss of his mother, he got up and started trying to command her to rise and walk. I felt so bad for him. But, then it got worse. One of his other brothers couldn't take it and got up to go after him. He was about to start a fistfight with him right there in the aisle. Another brother had to break it up. We all just stood by helplessly," Penny remembered. "Honestly, I admired his incredible faith - I don't think I could ever have risked such ridicule to do that. I actually wished she WOULD get up and walk, just to prove his faith. But she didn't, and we eventually finished the funeral. I will NEVER forget that funeral as long as I live."

Kathie Papera's grandmother-in-law died in 2005, when she was visiting the family in California from New Jersey.

"My grandmother-in-law died at age 96, after the death of my grandfather-in-law, who died at the age of 99 in 2005. She fell ill and died, following him just 23 days later (as she predicted). Her body was to be flown back to Nutley, New Jersey, for the funeral. US Airways shipped her casket to the wrong location. The wake scheduled for the evening prior to the funeral mass went on as planned with an empty casket. She did arrive in time for the funeral the next day however. It was a horrible situation, but my father-in-law turned it into a beautiful ceremony with at least some laughter. As far as I know, this didn't hinder the healing process for any of us. They both lived wonderful lives and spent their time together very well." Kathie added, "But, I can't say any of us have ever flown US Airways again."

Bill* prefers to be anonymous for this article.

Pictured: Carlos Chavez at his daughter's annual Halloween party in 2007, taken just after he won Best Costume for being a handsome devil.

For Part One of this article series link to Things Went Wrong in the Funeral: Mistakes and Funeral Errors Affect the Healing Process

For Part Three of this article series link to Things Went Wrong in the Funeral: Forgiveness for Funeral Mistakes While Facing Loss

For Part Four of this article series link to Things Went Wrong in the Funeral: Scenes from Funerals Remain Fresh in Our Memories

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