And, everything proves illusion

The world is a great illusion. Everything here is an illusion. Life is the greatest of all illusions. You can count on nothing; neither on life itself nor on friends, family or relatives. At times, I am so sorry to tell you, you cannot even count on yourself, your heart, your mind, and your life as a whole. Love is the greatest illusion among relationships, even though friendship, family relations and other relations are no less illusionary than love. What I want to talk about now is the illusion of friendship.

I had a friend. Actually it was a dual relationship, as I loved her more than anyone or anything. It was a one-sided love, she was not interested, but we were good friends then. Most of you don't consider a one-sided love a love at all. I too. So I gave up the idea of having a love relationship with her, actually I gave up the idea of loving her in a traditional sense of love. And I hope you know what I mean to say. A kind of platonic, a friendly love. Though you may say that I am trying to justify myself or exaggerating but I alone and perhaps the God, if he exists, know how much I loved her. Then we became friends. If you cannot get what you love, you start loving that thing or person in tever way you can. I don't believe in the principle of everything is fair in love and war. If you cant keep the person you love happy, it keeps no meaning getting that person by hook of by crook. Io instead of trying to win her heart by cheating and by what some people like to do, threatening, I started loving her as a friend, tried to make her smile, tried to make her happy. And she knew all of it though I did not tell anything to her in my own words.

So then began our friendship, of course with minor ups and downs. That happens with everyone and in every relation. In a way, I dedicated my life to her; I respected her and worshipped her. I wanted to see her happy all the time, wished upon the stars and went to temples to pray for her happiness. I always wished I could do something for her at the cost of every other thing if I could make her happy for even a moment. She is such a brilliant, beautiful, lovely and hardworking, though a bit more emotional, that she deserves all the happiness the world can offer to anyone on the earth. That is what I think of her.

So much so, everybody can guess but nobody can judge how much I loved her. It's not possible nor it would be wise to mention every detail of my love, and feeling for her. Everything was going normal until last month. A single moment can change the life and a single incident can shake the ground beneath you and you lose balance and you may collapse. As usual, that day too she came to me, asked how was I. I said fine and asked about her and offered her a seat on a chair lying in front of me. She looked like a bit upset; there was no smile in her face, no enthusiasm to talk to me, as if she has forgotten to smile for ages. She said nothing accept she was shocked that day. I asked why was she shocked and what was the matter. Instead of answering my genuine concern, she asked whether I could solve her problem. I was a bit shocked and was trying to compose myself and was about to ask her whether she shares her feeling only if she finds me able to solve her problem; whether sharing of feelings with a friend needs guarantee of solving her problem. But before I could say anything, she walked away without looking back at me.

I was genuinely concerned about her sadness as a friend. That day, she did not look around, smiled, talked or joked not only with me but also with anybody else. I was stealing glances at her and she looked like that she must have cried the whole night and day. Though I was concerned, initially I thought, it may not be a serious issue and it must be a normal mood swing that made her sad. So I sent her an SMS joke asking why women are so difficult to understand. She did not respond. Throughout the day, neither she came to talk to me nor did she look at me. Now I was alarmed by her activities and I did not try to push her to tell her plight to me. I did not want to pry on her personal matter even though I loved her more that I loved anything or anybody on the earth. As such, not every thing can be shared even with the best friend. So I did not want to ask what was it that was bugging her, thinking that my repeated interest on her personal matter may upset her more. But seeing her sad is the most hurting experience for me and the impact started to be seen on my face and thoughts; though I did not let others know what was going on with me.

Out of pure and genuine concern about a friend, I became restless by the evening, as there was no one to share my feeling. In the evening she left the office even without saying goodbye to me. After an hour, I also left the office. I was a little bit angry with her for not trusting me but I was more worried about her sadness that I was angry with her. After reaching home, at once I thought why should I worry about her when she does not even consider me a friend. But, remembering her face just forced me to calm down. Thinking that friends are needed when you are feeling low and I sent her an SMS why did not she trust me enough. I said either she should not have hinted me about her situation or she should have trusted me enough to tell her problem to me and informed her that I was feeling too bad. I also asked sorry for not being in that position from which I could solve her problems. But there was no response. I was too restless, a bit anxious as well. I could not sleep well that night.

Next day, when I woke up, I thought she would be fine by tomorrow. We did not meet that day, neither I tried to reach to her over the telephone, thinking that if she cares nothing about me why should I disturb her.

And the next day came. As usual, I was waiting for her. I was expecting her to come to me and talk to me as usual. She came but she did not come to me, neither she looked at me forget about smiling with me. She did not look at me as if she was trying to avoid me. I stole many glances at her but she did not respond. Her face was still sad. Thinking that something terrible might have happened with her and it's my duty as a friend to reach to her even if she did not come to me, I reached her and asked how she was. She just said 'fine' even without looking at me. It was clear that she was not interested to talk to me and thinking that sticking to her might disturb her more, I withdrew myself. Unlike the day before yesterday, she was talking over the telephone, talking with other friends in the college and laughing occasionally though not in the usual spirit. She did not talk to me and looked at me throughout the day and did not say goodbye while leaving the college. Though all these things seem trivial, all these things were keeping me alive for the last four years and you cannot even imagine what might have happened with me that day when I was deprived off all the bases for my living.

The day passed. Nights were more difficult to pass. I was a bit angry with her. I thought why should I worry about her if she does not care about me. After all, she knows what happens to me when I find her sad, when she falls ill, when she fails and when something negative happens to her. And I did not wanted to listen what she did not wanted to tell me but she could have at least talked normal stuffs with me. I even thought of not talking to her from now on. But by the night, my heart softened. Thinking that it's still my duty as a friend to ask her why was she not talking to me rather than making my own conclusions and stopping communications with her. Even if she does not talk to me, let it be and it's my duty to stand beside her in her times of trouble until she clearly denies my friendship.

So I made a phone call and asked why was she not talking to me and trying to avoid me. I did not ask about the reasons for her sadness as she does not trust me to tell them to me but I said the degree of her sadness was too high and it made me feel very bad. Neither she was showing interest to talk to me nor was she ready to accept that something bad has happened to her. She said nothing has happened to her and she did not talk to me just because there was nothing to talk to. I asked if nothing has happened to her why was she so sad? To this question she said she couldn't do anything if people understand more than what they really can understand. Then I asked why was she not talking to me. She said she would say hello if I greeted her with hi and she had nothing to talk to me. She was speaking so rudely that I felt guilty for calling her. I found it better to hang up if she thinks I am taking unnecessary interest on her and if she does not want to talk to me. I told it to her and hanged up after wishing her goodnight.

This night was more difficult to pass than the previous ones. It was already third day and she was still sad and my conclusion was that she must have faced a very bad situation or else she would have been normalized by now. In the other hand, if nothing has happened to her, she must be trying to avoid me and I should not try to follow her. From the first day, I was considering the latter conclusion, but was avoiding making it a final conclusion as nothing bad has happened between us during the recent days and our friendship was instead going excellently with more sharing of feeling and understanding. So I preferred to go with the first conclusion and planned to go to the Pashupatinath temple next morning to pray for her happiness and wish solutions to each of her problems.

In the afternoon, I went to the college and started waiting for her. She came, but did not look at me, smile or come to talk to me. Instead she seemed trying to avoid me. After half an hour or so, she could avoid me no more and we were face to face. It was her turn to ask how was I. I said fine. She was complaining against my accusing her of not talking to me. I said what could I say than accusing her of not talking to me if she does not talk to me. She was defending herself and her not talking to me by saying that mood swings and it was her right to have a mood swing. I said of course it was her right, but her sadness was too high and she should not be so sad. It was my turn to be shocked. All of a sudden, she said, "Come on, it's my life and I am not answerable to anybody." And she walked away; I had no answer. In a hurry, I just said, "Of course. And Thanks."

What a sweet answer, a sweet response, a sweet comment I got for my love and for my genuine and friendly concerns about a friend's sadness? Can anybody imagine, what I might have felt when I listened her words and realized that the tika I had received in the morning at the temple while praying for her happiness was still fresh on my forehead. All those 13 words reflected my position in her heart and what meaning I kept in her life.

Restlessness is still there, my love for her is still there and it will always remain for her, but our relation is not the same and I don't think it will be same again. I had never before experienced such restlessness than I experienced during those four days and later and I was never before so tired of life than I am now.

Now as I have experienced a greater realization of the fact that everything is illusion. I used to worship friendship, I used to worship her and she was the most respected woman in my life. Though I will keep worshipping her, respecting her and praying for her happiness; her sadness and failures will keep on hurting me, and her happiness will give me happiness, but we will not be together. I will never approach her and I will say no single word to her unless she wished it.

Nearly a month has passed. We have not talked to each other; she has not come to me, she has not smiled with me and she does not even say hi to me unless it's unavoidable. I too, have not tried to reach to her, say anything to her or take any interest on her though I have been praying for her happiness, success and good health. Any way, I am happy to see her happy while she is not talking to me; I find her always smiling and laughing with other friends, she is always making jokes and seems always excited while talking to friends over the telephone. Does it matter whether she talks to me or not if she remains happy? Of course not. I have no complaint with life if she does not talk to me and if she feels happy while she does not talk to me. Thanks God, You can cross all the limits of cruelty.