Things Went Wrong in the Funeral: Mistakes and Funeral Errors Affect the Healing Process

This is Part One of a four part series in which friends and family members speak for themselves, by sharing their stories when things went wrong in the funeral. Families remember the day of the funeral forever.

When things don't go as expected in funeral plans, we are left with those lingering memories for the rest of our lives.

For Jim Swope, he can't help but remember what happened in his father's funeral every time he sees a folded flag.

"My Dad, an honorably discharged WWII U.S. Navy veteran and an active Navy League member, died in 1999. When I went to the funeral home to make arrangements, I requested a flag drape on his casket at the graveside service, along with an honor guard and the playing of Taps. It was my understanding that these items were to be provided to every veteran upon request. However, the funeral director told me that he could not do so without documentation that Dad had been honorably discharged. The same funeral home had handled my Mom's arrangements four years earlier. Mom and Dad had purchased two plots in the veterans' section of a cemetery. A bronze Veteran's Administration marker with her name was placed on the site. The plot and marker would have required them to provide honorable discharge documentation - something the funeral home should have known. I was too busy and distraught to argue with them," Swope stressed. "With only two weekend days before the funeral, I looked everywhere for Dad's discharge papers, but could not find them. The Veterans Administration was closed. As a result, he was laid to rest without any military honors. I found the papers later, hidden from view by other items on the top shelf of a closet."

After the funeral, Swope wrote to his Congressman, explained the situation and requested the burial flag that should have been draped on his father's casket. He received the flag.

"A U.S. Marine friend, who had provided honors at a number of funerals, and I folded the flag. It was placed into a custom-made display case along with Dad's medals. I wrote to the funeral home and expressed my displeasure, but received only a cursory response with no apology. In order to prevent this from happening to other families, I would urge them to make sure that discharge papers are easily accessible when the time comes or make advance arrangements with the funeral home," Swope reminded. "Our veterans, especially those like my Dad from Tom Brokaw's 'Greatest Generation,' made tremendous sacrifices. They deserve better."

Swope shares his story because he wants to help families of veterans who wish to see their loved ones receive the proper honors at their funerals.

Libbe HaLevy will never forget her mother's funeral for many reasons.

"The rabbi whose schul my mother attended for almost 30 years gave a speech which showed he didn't have a clue as to who she had been. It was a generic 'good Jewish woman' speech that pointed out none of her true characteristics. The funeral was set for a Sunday, which did not sit well with the workmen," HaLevy noted. "In setting up the site, they knocked over two headstones on a family plot. The elderly daughters of that couple were in the funeral procession. They became very upset -- understandably -- when they discovered what had been done to their parents' graves. And once the service was over, we hadn't even moved away from the gravesite, when the workmen came with a backhoe to fill in the grave. A truly ugly experience was had by all."

Families have to deal with so much when a loved one dies unexpectedly. That was the case for Michael Margolies' family. Their tragedy was only compounded by funeral details gone awry.

"When my older brother died outside of the United States in a train accident in 1981, pretty much everything went wrong. First, he died in South America where he was a missionary for our church. He was held up there as multiple agencies decided who was in charge and autopsies performed by both the locals and then again by the United States government. This took weeks instead of days. It made the closure process a challenge because as time passed people had to renew and re-engage in their feelings as each bit of news trickled in. It took six weeks for my brother's body to arrive back to California, but it did not stop there. The coroner and DEA decided they needed to check the body again for drugs and other reasons never explained. Once we got the body, we found that he was sent back to us in a handmade wooden coffin, shaped like those seen in an old movie like 'Dracula.' It was eccentric and we liked it, however, the funeral home decided it was not making enough money on the funeral and held it up, demanding we change to a United States style casket, claiming it was the law. The viewing one day was with the old casket, while the ceremony was with another casket. It was off-putting to everyone. Then, we learned that we could have buried him in the original casket," Margolies explained. "Some relatives challenged it and there we were graveside with an argument over which casket was legal, so the funeral home could make more money."

His brother was very popular in high school, a track star, student leader, and well known in the community. The local media covered his service as more than 1,200 people attended the funeral.

"Hundreds of people stood around, while the unprofessional staff was trying to squeeze us for more cash. They were also upset at the number of people who showed up, even though it was held at our church and did not really affect them. We had a police escort that our family provided, but they also wanted to charge us for extra security. All this was repeated graveside, as they wanted money right there or they were not going to put him in the ground. Everyone was a witness to this pettiness. Even if all the charges were legitimate, it should have taken place in private. Once the haggling was completed and my brother was laid to rest we were able to see the gravestone (solid brass which we paid extra for), which laid flat with the grass. It was covered up with stuff from the funeral home and they kept claiming that was normal until after everyone left. We found it odd. So, we finally get to see it and not only is his name spelled wrong, several letters are chipped in the brass and other details were incorrect," Margolies said. "They wanted extra money to fix it and we were told it would need a new headstone. When we went back a few weeks later, we discovered they tried to fix it with some kind of brass colored bondo product. It was obvious and tacky. We fought and fought and every few months they claimed to have fixed it only to find more bondo repairs."

Like many grieving families, they eventually gave in.

"Over time, all the bondo has broken off, the filling worn away and all the wrong information is totally visible. If all this was not enough, we were told the brass plate was laid in the ground in such a way that lawn mowers and such would not hurt it. But it is torn up from blades hitting it, and broken on one side with tractor tracks running across it. It seems it's never over and makes coming to a closure impossible." Margolies added, "Every now and then, I will still hear from family friends, who have visited the site, that the headstone is wrong or broken and we have to drag the whole thing up again. Now, we have to decided to replace the stone ourselves."

For more information about consumer rights visit the Funeral Consumers Alliance.

For more information about burial flags and honors for veterans visit the United States Department of Veterans Affairs.

For Part Two of this article series link to Things Went Wrong in the Funeral: We Carry Funerals with Us for Life

For Part Three of this article series link to Things Went Wrong in the Funeral: Forgiveness for Funeral Mistakes While Facing Loss

For Part Four of this article series link to Things Went Wrong in the Funeral: Scenes from Funerals Remain Fresh in Our Memories