THE CHECKS AND BALANCES ARE IN THE MALE

For the men in the group: (Ladies are welcome, but try not to laugh until I´m through addressing the gentlemen. Come on now; we´d do it for you.)

Okay guys, today in my post office bulk/junk mail pile comes an unsolicited pitch to purchase a magazine subscription from a Men´s magazine. You´ve also probably all received it, so just follow along with your flyers.

I´m going to spare this magazine the embarrassment of being named here. Let´s just call it THE MALE MAN´S MANLY MACHO MONTHLY.

It was addressed to me by name. Fewer and fewer pieces of bulk mail are coming now addressed to "Occupant" or "Boxholder" or "Resident." That´s because our names are out there being sold and distributed amongst those who carve our monikers into global marketing dollars.

Got a credit card? Social Security number? Post office box or telephone? Ever filled out a warranty card? Written a check? Registered at a hotel? Entered a contest? You´re in the advertising fishbowl, my big brothers.

In the following, I´ve listed ten pieces of quoted text, taken directly from the big boys at The MMMMM. Aside from their moniker, I haven´t changed a single word:

1. "You are the man The MMMMM writes for. That´s why we bring you exercises to fire up your sex life."

They add that these libidinous jumping jacks can be performed anytime, anywhere: "In the car, at a bar, and in the office, too."

The presumption is that more prospective male subscribers are suffering from a flabby, lackluster love life than not. They don´t say whether these "exercises," -- probably a series of isometric grunts and grinds designed to harden our sternocleidomastoid muscles while waiting for the light to change -- should include a partner.

They also assume that either we frequent bars and go to work in an office, or prefer to have sex there, or both. Bonus points, apparently, for any of us who drink and drive and conduct all our office business in the car.

Fact is, I never have sex while driving, drinking or working. It fogs the windshield, spills my Pina Colada, and crashes my lap(top).

2. "Get pumped-up, turned on, tuned up and trimmed down."

Anyone who can paraphrase Timothy Leary selling Nirvana can´t be all bad. But, coming on the round heels of item #1, this implies that not only are we dysfunctional loverboys, we´re whiling away our static impotence as uninflated, disconnected, discordant blimps.

Thus far, The MMMMM has not exactly endeared itself to my kinder, gentler side.

3. "The MMMMM is everything a man desires."

Eureka! Yet another one-stop shopping mall for our virile cravings. We can now stop our quests for a self-leveling sideburn trimmer, and a public toilet seat we don´t have to hold up with our knees.

4. "You´ll know the secret to breaking 80."

This is either a backdoor reference to ballooning with Phileas Fogg, outfoxing interstate radar, or how to become an octogenarian Casanova.

It might also refer to the number and status of our single-season garden rakes, and that´s no secret.

5. "Learn why (contrary to popular myth) there is no such thing as male menopause."

Our female housemates would take strong exception to this fantastic assertion. Besides, we need the refuge male menopause offers, when we can´t otherwise explain why we thought weed-whacking the window flower boxes seemed like a good idea.

6. "The MMMMM is spiced with enticing photos of volleyball goddesses and speed blondes."

Not their fault. How could The MMMMM know that our passion fruits are sitting in the next room in all the enticing splendor of backgammon princesses and timed-release salt ´n pepper bouffants?

If we feel the need for speed ... we´ll run in there with our volleyballs.

7. "You´ll love the gear we pack into every issue. Like oversized racquetball racquets and Fat Stick powder skis."

I´m confused. Apparently, the road to a heavenly trimming-down is paved with obese earth toys.

8. "Each issue is big, bold and oversized."

Well, at least The MMMMM can´t be accused of a making subliminal appeals to their target audience´s fears of having teeny, timid and underdeveloped ... issues.

9. "Find out why the mechanics of sex depend largely on voodoo, and how you can keep that voodoo working for you."

Finally enlightened. After all these years, we thought it was our animal magnetism … and the air conditioning.

10. "Rush your reply today."

Well, boys, here ´tis:

LET ´EM EAT BEEFCAKE.

Now, you´ll pardon me, but I´ve lost my glasses, and I can´t hear a thing, you see.



Syndicated humor columnist and honorary MMMMM subscriber writes from Bethlehem, NH. You may contact him via his blog at Humorist-On-Loan. This column is protected by intellectual property laws, including U.S. copyright laws. Electronic or print reproduction, adaptation, or distribution without permission is prohibited. Ordinary internet links to this column at Humorist-On-Loan may be distributed without written permission.