In Their Own Words: Meaningful Funerals Create Memories That Last a Lifetime

This article is the second installment of a four-part series entitled "In Their Own Words," sharing stories about personal, meaningful funerals or memorials.

When you lose a loved one, you will carry the memory of the funeral with you for the rest of your days. Whether you're old or young, the memories of saying goodbye remain.

In February 2006, Ramona Russell lost her 28-year-old sister, Liz Overturf, to breast cancer.

"Because she was so young, and we didn't want her life to just be remembered for cancer, we created a beautiful video montage of her life. It included photos from her entire life and ended with a small video clip of her talking about having cancer. The officiant was a good friend of ours, like our second dad, and he gathered a large group of the family and her friends to get stories about my sister (funny, sad, etc.). He incorporated those stories into the service. Liz was incredibly smart; some think near a genius level. People believed she was meant for big things – doctor, lawyer, entertainer, etc. She excelled at everything she did, had a ton of friends and was incredibly well-loved. She was kind, compassionate, generous and had a comedic, sharp sense of humor – those are the things I miss the most. The music was some that she liked and a lot that my mom liked. The main flowers that were used were Stargazer Lillies, Liz's favorite. It was a beautiful service. There were several hundred people at her funeral and we received a lot of compliments on it," Russell explained. "I created a company, Uptown Liz, in her memory. I did want to do something to honor her, give her a legacy, but also spread the message about being your own health advocate (and misdiagnosis). Uptown Liz promotes products from companies whose proceeds directly give back to charitable organizations."

Tim Polley was young when his father died and he remembers the funeral.

"My father died on Christmas Day, 1969. I was ten years old. I'm almost 50-years-old now and though I'm not sure how I got through the grieving process at that age, there were several memorable things," Polley recalled. "We're not Catholic, but he died at a Catholic hospital in Cincinnati, Ohio. I remember several nuns coming to the house the day of the funeral to look after the family. I've asked several Catholic friends if that was normal and it was not. I felt special and it meant a lot. Friends of his told me that day how special my father was, how much of a friend he was to them, and how much he loved me. I was the youngest of five or as my siblings put it the 'accident' child. A child of ten never truly understands the impact that his parent has in the world until later. That impact of how he touched lives is what I remember from that day and more."

For Cathie Smith of California, who lost her son, Justin Smith, the ceremonies were very important.

"In July 2000, on the third day after my 22-year-old son died in a car accident, I woke in the middle of the night thinking there was a bird flapping around in my bedroom, flitting around the ceiling, while going from one window then to the other. I turned on the light and found nothing. I am sure I must have dreamed it, but I still remember it over eight years later," Smith said. "The day of my son's funeral, we had white doves brought to the ceremony and the family, plus anyone else who wanted to, released a dove. We all held them gently and then let them go at the same time. It felt like we were releasing my son's spirit to be free. Everyone talked about it and said the ritual was a freeing moment for them as well – to be able to symbolically let him go. Another ritual we used on an anniversary of my son's death was to gather at his gravesite with bunches of helium balloons. Everyone who wanted to wrote a message on a balloon and released it as if they were sending him a message. A dove release cannot really free a person's spirit nor do messages on a balloon get to a person who is deceased, but they are little ways those of us still here can use symbolism to express and let go of overwhelming feelings."

Smith started a non-profit foundation in 2004, named after her son, The Justin Foundation. Smith serves on the Counselor Certification Advisory Committee for the State of California's Department of Alcohol and Drug Programs (as the only consumer advocate) and has testified at several legislative hearings trying to get better regulation for the industry and higher drug treatment standards. According to Smith, California has the lowest standards in the nation.

Beth Dunn, author of the novel "Social Climbers," used her writing talents to honor her sister in the funeral service. "My sister, Dawn, who was 44, died four years ago this April. Her funeral was unbelievably special. Her office staff all carried daffodils and stood in a line that went from the entrance of the church all the way down to the front. I'd never seen that before. My mother was honored as they all greeted her till she got to our pew," Dunn explained. "I did the eulogy and I wrote a poem to her. Then, her three best friends from high school sang, 'You've Got a Friend,' by James Taylor. I'd never seen anyone sing that song before either. At the after party, my mother's friend read a poem and we released 44 balloons to heaven to keep her company. The entire party went outside. At her burial, we went to the ocean and put her ashes in the sea, Dawn loved the shore. All of her friends were on the beach watching with white balloons. It was very special. I've started a Foundation in my sister's name, The Dawn Marie Foundation."

Diane Bogino, a professional speaker and President of Performance Strategies in Atlanta, Georgia, stepped up to help friends who were grieving. "Two women, who are sisters and have been friends of mine for years, first lost their mother. One of the sisters wrote a brief poem for her and asked me to read it at their mother's funeral. When their father passed away years later, they had already begun a written tribute and again asked me to not only read it but to help write it. Their father was a colorful character. He and I had done commercials and some shows at the same time. He was quite talented and the tribute was a brief summary of his life, was full of sentiment, humor and gave a vivid and loving memory of him to those attending," Bogino noted. "In both of these cases, I felt I had helped the family albeit in a small way and made a contribution in helping them cope with grief. In addition, both funerals 'gave back' to those attending with the gift of leaving them with a loving memory and sharing the life of the ones they all so deeply missed."

Knowing the power of a funeral service, Mary Thompson found a unique way to allow farewell memories to breathe a new life online.

"My sister-in-law, Beverly Kalmes, died of breast cancer on November 2nd, 2008. Even though she was my sister-in-law for 25 years, I really did not know her well as she lived in New Mexico with my brother and I am in Georgia. During her very special service, I learned more about her, as she was a teacher and the amount of love and respect she was shown by children that were her students. There was even one student who came back to visit her before she died to introduce a child of his own. She also loved gardening and I did not know that. They played songs during her service and the one that will always stick with me is 'What a Wonderful World' by Louis Armstrong. We were all in tears over that one," Thompson remembered. "Beverly looked toward the Sandia Mountains every day on her way to work and when she was stricken with breast cancer she really appreciated each and every day of life she had, as she looked toward those beautiful watermelon colored mountains. Those mountains are beautiful. My brother, Peter, Bev's family and the three sisters in our family, including yours truly (all in our 50's and 60's) walked more than three miles up as far as we could make it to the top of the west side of this mountain. We could all see the one special spot where they spread some of her ashes. There were others all along the way up the mountain. Bev wanted her ashes spread on this mountaintop, so they had a ceremony up at the top, spread some ashes, and then they came down to where we were and we spread more ashes there. Every person spread some of her ashes. She is now spread all over the face of that mountain."

"When my brother, their son, Bev's brother and family made it to the top of the mountain, at that moment two things happened. There was a flock of white doves that flew around the stone 'monument' at the top where they spread Bev's ashes. Then, there was a sky writer that flew directly across the clear blue sky over the area where they were having the ceremony. This moved me to the point where I wanted to put together a slide show of this beautiful day and included that great song. I included the sky writer in the slide show as well. As a result of this service, which moved many people, I created a slide show business from it, Custom Slide Show Creations. This beautiful woman and her story really moved me. The trek up that mountain was not easy, but it was so worth it. It was so calm, peaceful and so beautiful on that sunny but cool day. Beverly would have loved what all of us did in memory of her!" Thompson added, "She is at peace now in her favorite place."

To visit Beverly's slide show click on http://www.customslideshowcreations.com/Portfolio.html.

Pictured: Elizabeth "Liz" Overturf, July 17, 1977 – February 1, 2006, sister of the founder of Uptown Liz.

For Part One of this article series link to In Their Own Words: Powerful, Personal Memorial Ceremonies Capture Passions and Favorites in Life.

For Part Three of this article series link to In Their Own Words: Poignant Funeral Services Matter to Family and Friends.

For Part Four of this article series link to In Their Own Words: Death and Funerals Mark Transitions with Life Changing Moments.

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