On the issue of VIRGINITY in the Middle East

I believe in signs and the signs this month were all pointing in the direction of writing about virginity. I received this email from one of my listeners - edited to conceal her identity

I am glad that there are people in Egypt who think the way you do and who challenge our long established traditions. I did not read your book yet but I am looking forward to reading it - maybe because I am not a virgin. I am kind-hearted, sort of religious, I pray, I don't lie, but losing my virginity has turned my life upside down. How it happened is a long story but the most important thing now is that this incident has turned my life into a living hell.

Of course no one knows about it. I feel bad and I have been punishing myself for such a shameful thing. I know that I am not a good girl and that God is not happy with me or what I have done. This is why I decided to wear the veil. I hate it and I hate how I look and feel while wearing it but I put it on because it protects me from people staring at me or gossiping about me. I feel that everyone knows my deep dark secret and I am hiding my shame behind my veil.

Being "unvirgin" forces me to stay in Egypt. My dream is to immigrate to the United States and I have family there. If I were a virgin I would have left Egypt and lived with them. I am sure they would have helped me find a job and a husband but this "issue" stops me from pursuing that dream. Sometimes I wake up with nightmares of being discovered and of my family knowing what I did. I am confused and scared all the time.

I am almost 33, single of course, and I have a crush on a friend of one of my cousins in the US. I want to marry him. Do you think I can make him notice me when we are oceans apart? Please help me and I am sorry for talking too much.



I clarified in my earlier writings that in the eyes of God males and females are judged on the same criteria and I have always wondered about our society and how it applauds something when it is done by one gender and then condemns that very same thing when it is done by the other gender knowing that all religions forbade that thing. I never understood how a man could choose a lie over the truth and how God's most favored creature could be so ruthless and judgmental when it came to his female counterpart. This dilemma has pushed girls to extremes; those who have complete sexual relations with the exception of intercourse, those who have "backdoor" sex, and those who have hymen reconstruction surgeries.

Here is my reply to the all the girls who lost their virginity and cannot move on:



I want you to understand that you are not alone and I also want you to understand that it is also not the end of the world.

1) Losing your virginity does not mean that you are a slut

2) Having sex with a man you love makes you human - nothing less and nothing more.

3) We live in a society that loves lies and is in love with liars ... you are better than them ... way better.

4) God is not a God of hatred and punishment ... God is loving and forgiving ... God does not look at your outside ... veil or no veil is not the question ... God looks at your inside and at your actions ... do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

5) The guilt you feel will not stay in Egypt when you go to the US ... it will come with you ... you gave it a home in your heart and it will only stay there as long as you let it.

6) Do not let one mistake control your life and decisions ... I want you to look ahead, think of the future ... be successful and happy.

7) The right man will never judge you and will never use this to hurt you ... the right man will understand and will love you for who you are and as you are.

8) This guy you like ... do you like him because you know him and you have talked before so you think he is right for you? Or do you like him because he is your last hope of getting out of Egypt?

9) Out of experience ... Egyptian men living in the states are the worst type of men ... they look open minded ... they sound cool ... but most of them still have a peasant inside of them ... they are even worse because when they left Egypt ... girls and guys did not have sex ... and now they just do not understand that the society has changed ... so this guy will have as much sex as he wants in the US and then come to Egypt to pick a virgin bride!

10) My last advice to you is ... be strong ... do not let the society defeat you ... do not let guilt and shame take over your life. Virginity or the lack of it does not make you anything but who you decide to make out of yourself. Decency, integrity, respect, and modesty are far deeper qualities than a piece of skin.

Looking at the other side of the coin I got this email from an Egyptian man - let's call him MAN.

I am the one who called you on your program today from Finland and I am a 32

year old Egyptian pharmacist. I have a problem that might seem silly in the eyes

of others but it is a major issue for me.

I have been living abroad now for quite a long time and my views on women have changed a lot from the time I left Egypt. I feel now that what we were taught when we were growing up is very wrong. I used to think of women as objects and I put them in a very low position.

I grew to admire western women; they are nice, friendly, and open yet they have very strong characters. They are independent, reliable, and honest and I appreciate how they think.

The problem is mainly with my family. My parents want me to continue being Egyptian and to stay true to what they brought me up to believe in. They expect me to live like all the men in my family, get married to a good girl, and have good kids. Basically, my family wants me to get married to a virgin from East and they are saying that all women in the West are awful.

I do not want that. I want to be able to decide for my self and I want to live the life I chose. I want to get married to a western girl and bring my children up in a more open society. They would never agree. What would you do if you were me? Would you listen to your past or look at the future? Who is right and who is wrong? Who has more advantages - East or west?

Here is my reply to MAN and to all the men out there:



Sir, I cannot give you an easy way out. You have to decide for yourself. We - Egyptians - were taught so many things when we were kids but our role as grown ups is to question those things and to re-evaluate them. I am not saying that everything we were taught is wrong but when it comes to the relationship between a man and a woman, we have a big problem.

You were blessed with exposure and traveling and that means you saw and got to know more than the average Egyptian saw or got to know. Let me tell you that an honorable girl = an honest girl. If you meet a girl who is honest, sincere, loving, caring, and trust-worthy then go for her.

I also do not understand why your family needs to know if the girl of your choice is a virgin. This is a very personal issue and it is between the two of you. I would rather you shift your criteria to other cultural differences, goals in life, and personal perspectives on life. A real man is not the first man; a real man does his best to be the last man. Virginity means nothing today or before; if she is a virgin it does not mean she has never had sex before and if she is a virgin it does not mean that she will not have an affair after marriage.

In your email, you said that you family wants you to get married to a "virgin" from the East. I would sincerely advise you to look deeper into the qualities of the wife you desire. A wife is not a wedding night; what happens after that night is the real meaning of marriage. The virginity will go away and you will be left with a person; get to know that person before you add one more divorce case to the statistics.