Ben Bernanke is a pantywaist
Mark Anderson
October 29, 2008
So is Joseph Stiglitz, Paul Krugman, Nouriel Roubini, Henry Paulson, Bush, McCain, Obama, and every member of Congress.
I have heard proposals for a $200 billion fiscal stimulus plan, a $300 billion plan, and even as much as $500 billion by Nouriel Roubini. Come on. It's time for the U.S. to get the lace off of its collective panties. I am calling for a fiscal stimulus of $20 trillion or more. No. I demand it!
If $500 billion will shock us enough to maybe get a faint pulse, then just imagine what $20 trillion fresh from the "Money Factory" would do. We all know the economy is in "cardiac arrest," and only Congress has the defibrillator now. Now is no time for restraint, nor fiscally-conservative $500 billion packages. What I propose is not just dispatching one EMT, or one paramedic, but the entire fire department and every ambulance crew in the county.
And Ben Bernanke. Tinkering with the Federal Funds Rate by a few lousy basis points. Savings? We don't need no stinkin' savings to have low interest rates. Bernanke is a pantywaist. I say we make history by taking nominal rates below zero.
What's that? We can't make nominal rates negative? Baloney! Give everybody a printing press and let everybody print dollars! If everybody can print dollars, I think taking nominal rates into negative territory would be rather simple. Besides, this is only doing in nominal terms what Greenspan was doing in real terms.
And wouldn't printing dollars count as a manufacturing job? This plan would not only give us the monetary/fiscal shock we desperately need, it would create millions and millions of new manufacturing jobs! Giving everybody a printing press to print dollars with would be a lot like creating millions of money factories! It is important to remember here that a printing press is a lot like a defibrillator.
I know some of my critics might suggest this might lead to hyperinflation. In that case, I guess our savings would be down to household possessions. So what would the government do without the ability to replenish resources to pay for dear government employees, you ask? Easy. The government just nationalizes everything! Anything more than a one day supply of food and water is definitely hoarding. And the beloved politicians in D.C. can always order the confiscation of gold and silver before we enact my plan.
In conclusion, my plan is the only one that makes logical sense. Everybody else's plan is too fiscally-conservative. If we want a real fiscal stimulus plan, then Congress should enact my plan. I know there is going to be a few malcontents over at the Mises Institute and LewRockwell.com. Nevermind those people. They know nothing.
The above is, of course, the author's satire
I have heard proposals for a $200 billion fiscal stimulus plan, a $300 billion plan, and even as much as $500 billion by Nouriel Roubini. Come on. It's time for the U.S. to get the lace off of its collective panties. I am calling for a fiscal stimulus of $20 trillion or more. No. I demand it!
If $500 billion will shock us enough to maybe get a faint pulse, then just imagine what $20 trillion fresh from the "Money Factory" would do. We all know the economy is in "cardiac arrest," and only Congress has the defibrillator now. Now is no time for restraint, nor fiscally-conservative $500 billion packages. What I propose is not just dispatching one EMT, or one paramedic, but the entire fire department and every ambulance crew in the county.
And Ben Bernanke. Tinkering with the Federal Funds Rate by a few lousy basis points. Savings? We don't need no stinkin' savings to have low interest rates. Bernanke is a pantywaist. I say we make history by taking nominal rates below zero.
What's that? We can't make nominal rates negative? Baloney! Give everybody a printing press and let everybody print dollars! If everybody can print dollars, I think taking nominal rates into negative territory would be rather simple. Besides, this is only doing in nominal terms what Greenspan was doing in real terms.
And wouldn't printing dollars count as a manufacturing job? This plan would not only give us the monetary/fiscal shock we desperately need, it would create millions and millions of new manufacturing jobs! Giving everybody a printing press to print dollars with would be a lot like creating millions of money factories! It is important to remember here that a printing press is a lot like a defibrillator.
I know some of my critics might suggest this might lead to hyperinflation. In that case, I guess our savings would be down to household possessions. So what would the government do without the ability to replenish resources to pay for dear government employees, you ask? Easy. The government just nationalizes everything! Anything more than a one day supply of food and water is definitely hoarding. And the beloved politicians in D.C. can always order the confiscation of gold and silver before we enact my plan.
In conclusion, my plan is the only one that makes logical sense. Everybody else's plan is too fiscally-conservative. If we want a real fiscal stimulus plan, then Congress should enact my plan. I know there is going to be a few malcontents over at the Mises Institute and LewRockwell.com. Nevermind those people. They know nothing.
The above is, of course, the author's satire
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