The Last Wish of the Deceased "Say My Name Right at the Funeral"

If the deceased were granted final wishes, I imagine one of those wishes would be requested of the service officiant, "Say my name right at the funeral!"

When I hear from families about officiants repeatedly inserting the wrong name into a funeral service, I wonder, how did this happen?

How in the world is the wrong name used in the funeral service?

This isn't a one time blip or stumble of the lips that I'm concerned about. Sometimes a speaker's words don't connect with the brain. That, I certainly understand. If an officiant stumbles once on a name and then delivers it perfectly the remainder of the funeral, the family doesn't consider it an intentional oversight.

However, families do consider it insulting when the wrong name is used throughout the funeral service, even at graveside. Sometimes officiants continue the insult when they use the wrong decedent's name as they express condolences directly to the family.

It's not only a disservice to the deceased and his or her heritage; it's also a complete disservice to the family.

Where is the priority to get the name right? It may seem like a small detail, but it is also the most important detail of any funeral service.

For anyone who hasn't organized his or her first funeral service, you may be surprised that this is even a problem. Trust me, it's a huge problem.

It's not only a problem for people who don't belong to a church; it's also a problem for church members. Imagine attending a church for more than a decade, only to have your spouse's name mispronounced at the funeral. It happens and it infuriates families. I have heard from family members who have left their churches after such funerals take place in front of their families and friends. Others question arise after such a scene – if she had been more active in church and had given a higher tithe, would her name have mattered more?

Non-church members, who have no relationship with an officiant prior to the day of service, are unaware of the system behind the funeral. The names of the deceased and survivors are provided in paperwork given to the officiant. The paperwork is most often handed off to the officiant moments before the start of the funeral. Imagine if the officiant chooses the wrong name from the paperwork or mispronounces it throughout the funeral.

If you don't think it happens, think again.

How, oh how, did anyone begin to think that the name of the decedent didn't matter on the day of the funeral?

There are many other things that often carry weight for officiants. Possibly the lack of involvement with the family or lack of time involved in preparing for the funeral. Or, maybe the officiant's message seems far more important than the name of the decedent.

If a family is paying $10,000 or $20,000 for the entire funeral process, from the pickup to the body to the final placement in the ground, the name should be absolutely spot on, correct.

Am I too demanding? Maybe.

Do families deserve this service of saying the decedent's name right? Absolutely.

To families: If you're not using a Celebrant or an officiant who has met with you prior to service, phone the officiant and ask him or her to repeat the name of the decedent on the phone for pronunciation. Any officiant should comply with this simple request. Simply explain why it is a great concern that the name be correct.

On the day of service, arrive early and greet the officiant. Again – write the decedent's name on a piece of paper so you're all working from the same approach. Repeat the name out loud and have the officiant say it for you. Honestly, you only get one chance at a funeral, so make sure someone, if not you, another relative, handles this most important connection with the officiant. Even if you only have a few minutes alone with the officiant, insist upon creating a relationship, albeit brief.

To officiants: Please practice. Whether or not it's a foreign name, difficult to pronounce or the simple name of Joe: practice, practice, practice. Say the name as you're going to bed, say the name as you're waking up and say the name in your dreams. Say the name while looking into the mirror and simply practice. Whatever it takes, say it right. Phonetically spell it out in your reading – don't just handwrite it into your service at the last minute. The family deserves your attention to this most important detail. The family will be less offended if you double check the name of the decedent than they will if you get it wrong throughout the service.

To funeral directors: Double-check with your officiants so the wrong names are not used in funerals, especially if you know that the family has never met the officiant prior to the day of the funeral. Your families deserve this review and double-checking procedure to ensure no mistakes.

As a consumer, I would care far less if you said I was an excellent bowler (which I am not) than if you got my name wrong.

Names matter to parents, siblings and children of the deceased. The year is 2008 and families deserve to hear the correct name of a loved one out loud.

Nothing is worse at a funeral than celebrating the wrong name and the life of someone sitting in the church, instead of the person in the casket.

What is the true value of a name delivered in a funeral?

A given name shared properly in a funeral is a gift that loved ones will carry with them for the rest of the days. Bottom line: the name of the deceased is the starting point for any meaningful funeral service.

My name is Pam. Pam Vetter. But, few people pronounce my name correctly, even when they've read my name in type. People call me Pat or Tam and they often mispronounce my last name Vitter or Veeter instead of Vetter. It's pronounced Vetter similar to singer Eddie Vedder, but with t's not d's. Think of taking your dog or cat to the VET and that will give you a head start in properly pronouncing the name Vetter.

Note to the person who conducts my funeral: say my name right or cancel the funeral completely until someone is found who can pronounce my name properly. If you are unwilling to find a replacement and you still can't say my last name, feel free to use only my first name throughout my funeral service. A single name is better than a botched last name or the wrong name any day. No matter what, practice it and get it right. My children deserve to hear the right name on the day of my funeral.

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