First Night Myths
Amar Bahadur Shrestha
September 26, 2008
You must have heard about this Texas based Non Resident Nepali (NRN) who, having seen it all, comes back to Nepal to get married to a chaste virgin. The more homely, the better, is what he says he wants. Eager beaver relatives find him a bride from some village in Dolpo who's just as virtuous and innocent looking as the NRN seems to be looking for.
As expected, considering that our NRN has a lot of dollars he doesn't mind spending freely, the marriage is a blast. After the nuptials are over, the bride and groom take off to some nearby resort and check into the honeymoon suite. The naïve bride is delighted with the waterbed, and bouncing on it, asks, "What's this?"
"That's a waterbed, honey," replies her husband. The 'seen it all' NRN lies down beside his bashful wife. He looks at her and feels mighty proud that he's managed to find a fair virgin who's mighty beautiful.
"We're here to enjoy our honeymoon darling," he says. "What's that?" is what his coy wife wants to know. "You'll know soon enough honey pie," murmurs the Texan thinking all the while, "Oh boy, a virgin. Oh boy!" He can't wait to show his coy bride what it's all about. After the foreplay is over (doesn't take much time- he just can't wait), he says gently, "Okay darling, this might hurt a bit. I'll be gentle."
Afterwards, he lies back with a great big sigh and cuddling his wife says, "Now darling, that was a honeymoon." "Oh really?" his wife doesn't sound excited, sounds disappointed, actually. "That was a honeymoon? But that was something I've done so many times in the maize fields with Ram, Shyam and Gopal!"
This shouldn't put off other NRNs from seeking home made brides of course; one can only hope that they, along with the dollars they earn, also acquire a broader view of life. Otherwise there's every chance of being in the same hilarious boat as our NRN Texan and his 'naïve' wife. Anyway, coming to first night myths, although there cannot be a funnier first night than the above, first nights or 'Suhag Raats' as they are called, brings to mind not funny tales, but erotic feelings.
A 'Suhag Raat' is probably the most personal affair in the life of any man or woman. There cannot be a more private one. Therefore it's pretty hard to get people to divulge honest details, and any few words said are more or less of similar bent, " Yeah, it was great man!" that's what all men usually say. What else can one expect? A 'Suhag Raat' is supposed to be the high point in a man's life. The night for him to prove his manhood.
Upto then, even though he might have had sexual experience with various women, most probably he was only concerned about his momentary pleasure. But now his manhood will be put to the test and be up for judgement every night henceforth. He knows very well first impressions are the last impressions and well begun is half the job done. Tonight onwards the bed for him will either be a bordeaux or a battlefield. It all depends on how he performs tonight, the first night. The 'Suhag Raat'!
Well at least that's what is generally said to be the case. So, is it a myth or is it true that first nights are all important in marriage, and that sexual happiness hinges on performing well that night? "Not so," according to Minerva. "My husband couldn't even get it up that night, he was so drunk. But we have a great sex life even after ten years of marriage. Of course I was quite disappointed that we didn't do it in our 'Suhag Raat'. It would have been a memory to cherish."
Seemingly, women today do not seem to mind that much, except to regret lost opportunity for a cherished memory. However, according to Swati, "I would under no circumstances allow my husband to sleep without proving his manhood first on our 'Suhag Raat'." Swati will be marrying this December and we wish her a royal romp.
Nevertheless, 'Suhag Raats' used to be considered vital in days gone by, if for nothing else than making sure that a husband, arranged for through intermediaries in most cases, and one that the bride knew nothing about, was of fine mettle. At least functioning well enough so as to carry on the family line by making his wife pregnant as fast as possible. No doubt, extra ability to give his wife pleasure was added benefit, especially keeping in mind that he would be the only man to touch her in this lifetime.
No wonder womenfolk would be so curious and anticipating in those days about kinfolk's first night frolics. It must also be remembered that the 'Suhag Raat' was equally a test of the chastity of the bride, and so, it was always a good idea to let out a few yelps of pain during the act. Usually, unless Amrish Puri-like veterans were the husbands, grimaces and gritting of teeth accompanied by cries of pain were enough to fool the most foolish of 'seen-it-all' new husbands. From what can be gathered, this technique works nowadays too and is reportedly used night after night in bed after bed all over the world.
In some places however, it wasn't so easy. In the days when Sri Lanka was Ceylon, it was the custom for a new aunt of the bride to spread a white cloth (hela) on the bed on which the new couple was to sleep. The family's dhobi woman then examined the 'hela' the next morning. If stained by the flow due to a ruptured hymen, the dhobi woman would spread the exciting news to the household and there would be tremendous joy all around. Fire-crackers and rolling of drums followed, announcing to the whole village or the neighborhood that a 'good girl' (read that as, a virgin) was married into their midst!
One old Chinese custom required the presentation of the bride's blood stained under garment to the groom's mother to assure her of her new daughter in law's virginity. In Cantonese tradition, a pig would be sent to the bride's mother after the nuptial night and if the pig was in one piece, all was well. If lacerated, a question mark hung on the bride's virginity. Another way of putting across such a delicate subject would be to invite the bride's mother to the "After the rites of 'Marriage Bed' breakfast", which meant that the groom's family was satisfied with the bride's virginity.
As far as Hindu customs were concerned in the old days, the newly married couple was not expected to consummate their marriage in the first night itself. In fact, according to the Rig Veda, they were supposed to observe continence for three nights even while sleeping side by side on the ground. Everything else but intercourse was allowed. While this was supposed to be a meritorious act, modern psychologists will no doubt regard it as a very clever gimmick to really extend foreplay so that in the fourth night there's lightning and thunderbolts in the 'heated- to- boiling point' bedroom. It's not for nothing that Kamasutra was invented by lusty old sages!
Anyway, all said and done, the 'Suhaag Raat' is a momentous night in the life of most people, even if not so critically important as it used to be in days gone by. No doubt in the old days, it was a testing time as well, particularly for young brides, but today in the modern world, thankfully the first night after marriage isn't as testing. For one thing, greater awareness about things like sex education, and in a growing number of cases, sexual experience, has made young people look forward to the first night as just a pleasurable interlude. For another, there are growing numbers of love marriages, in which case, it is probable that couples have already had sex before marriage and the first night is only a continuation. Last but not least, virginity is not that big a deal anymore. And anyway, who's to question? Doctors have declared that the hymen can be ruptured in many other ways besides having sex, such as sporting activities.
But still let us not forget that the first night is first and foremost, a night of high romance and should be treated as such. For it comes, at least in most cases, but once in a lifetime. So let us fervently hope that couples will consummate their marriages with a couplet meant especially for the first night such as this, " United are our minds/ United our hearts/ United our bodies/ I will bind thee with the bond of love/ And the bond shall be dissoluble".
There's no need to carry on with the rest of the aforesaid couplet which says, " I do with thee this sacred work/ May an embryo enter thy womb/ May a child be born without blemish".
That can wait.
As expected, considering that our NRN has a lot of dollars he doesn't mind spending freely, the marriage is a blast. After the nuptials are over, the bride and groom take off to some nearby resort and check into the honeymoon suite. The naïve bride is delighted with the waterbed, and bouncing on it, asks, "What's this?"
"That's a waterbed, honey," replies her husband. The 'seen it all' NRN lies down beside his bashful wife. He looks at her and feels mighty proud that he's managed to find a fair virgin who's mighty beautiful.
"We're here to enjoy our honeymoon darling," he says. "What's that?" is what his coy wife wants to know. "You'll know soon enough honey pie," murmurs the Texan thinking all the while, "Oh boy, a virgin. Oh boy!" He can't wait to show his coy bride what it's all about. After the foreplay is over (doesn't take much time- he just can't wait), he says gently, "Okay darling, this might hurt a bit. I'll be gentle."
Afterwards, he lies back with a great big sigh and cuddling his wife says, "Now darling, that was a honeymoon." "Oh really?" his wife doesn't sound excited, sounds disappointed, actually. "That was a honeymoon? But that was something I've done so many times in the maize fields with Ram, Shyam and Gopal!"
This shouldn't put off other NRNs from seeking home made brides of course; one can only hope that they, along with the dollars they earn, also acquire a broader view of life. Otherwise there's every chance of being in the same hilarious boat as our NRN Texan and his 'naïve' wife. Anyway, coming to first night myths, although there cannot be a funnier first night than the above, first nights or 'Suhag Raats' as they are called, brings to mind not funny tales, but erotic feelings.
A 'Suhag Raat' is probably the most personal affair in the life of any man or woman. There cannot be a more private one. Therefore it's pretty hard to get people to divulge honest details, and any few words said are more or less of similar bent, " Yeah, it was great man!" that's what all men usually say. What else can one expect? A 'Suhag Raat' is supposed to be the high point in a man's life. The night for him to prove his manhood.
Upto then, even though he might have had sexual experience with various women, most probably he was only concerned about his momentary pleasure. But now his manhood will be put to the test and be up for judgement every night henceforth. He knows very well first impressions are the last impressions and well begun is half the job done. Tonight onwards the bed for him will either be a bordeaux or a battlefield. It all depends on how he performs tonight, the first night. The 'Suhag Raat'!
Well at least that's what is generally said to be the case. So, is it a myth or is it true that first nights are all important in marriage, and that sexual happiness hinges on performing well that night? "Not so," according to Minerva. "My husband couldn't even get it up that night, he was so drunk. But we have a great sex life even after ten years of marriage. Of course I was quite disappointed that we didn't do it in our 'Suhag Raat'. It would have been a memory to cherish."
Seemingly, women today do not seem to mind that much, except to regret lost opportunity for a cherished memory. However, according to Swati, "I would under no circumstances allow my husband to sleep without proving his manhood first on our 'Suhag Raat'." Swati will be marrying this December and we wish her a royal romp.
Nevertheless, 'Suhag Raats' used to be considered vital in days gone by, if for nothing else than making sure that a husband, arranged for through intermediaries in most cases, and one that the bride knew nothing about, was of fine mettle. At least functioning well enough so as to carry on the family line by making his wife pregnant as fast as possible. No doubt, extra ability to give his wife pleasure was added benefit, especially keeping in mind that he would be the only man to touch her in this lifetime.
No wonder womenfolk would be so curious and anticipating in those days about kinfolk's first night frolics. It must also be remembered that the 'Suhag Raat' was equally a test of the chastity of the bride, and so, it was always a good idea to let out a few yelps of pain during the act. Usually, unless Amrish Puri-like veterans were the husbands, grimaces and gritting of teeth accompanied by cries of pain were enough to fool the most foolish of 'seen-it-all' new husbands. From what can be gathered, this technique works nowadays too and is reportedly used night after night in bed after bed all over the world.
In some places however, it wasn't so easy. In the days when Sri Lanka was Ceylon, it was the custom for a new aunt of the bride to spread a white cloth (hela) on the bed on which the new couple was to sleep. The family's dhobi woman then examined the 'hela' the next morning. If stained by the flow due to a ruptured hymen, the dhobi woman would spread the exciting news to the household and there would be tremendous joy all around. Fire-crackers and rolling of drums followed, announcing to the whole village or the neighborhood that a 'good girl' (read that as, a virgin) was married into their midst!
One old Chinese custom required the presentation of the bride's blood stained under garment to the groom's mother to assure her of her new daughter in law's virginity. In Cantonese tradition, a pig would be sent to the bride's mother after the nuptial night and if the pig was in one piece, all was well. If lacerated, a question mark hung on the bride's virginity. Another way of putting across such a delicate subject would be to invite the bride's mother to the "After the rites of 'Marriage Bed' breakfast", which meant that the groom's family was satisfied with the bride's virginity.
As far as Hindu customs were concerned in the old days, the newly married couple was not expected to consummate their marriage in the first night itself. In fact, according to the Rig Veda, they were supposed to observe continence for three nights even while sleeping side by side on the ground. Everything else but intercourse was allowed. While this was supposed to be a meritorious act, modern psychologists will no doubt regard it as a very clever gimmick to really extend foreplay so that in the fourth night there's lightning and thunderbolts in the 'heated- to- boiling point' bedroom. It's not for nothing that Kamasutra was invented by lusty old sages!
Anyway, all said and done, the 'Suhaag Raat' is a momentous night in the life of most people, even if not so critically important as it used to be in days gone by. No doubt in the old days, it was a testing time as well, particularly for young brides, but today in the modern world, thankfully the first night after marriage isn't as testing. For one thing, greater awareness about things like sex education, and in a growing number of cases, sexual experience, has made young people look forward to the first night as just a pleasurable interlude. For another, there are growing numbers of love marriages, in which case, it is probable that couples have already had sex before marriage and the first night is only a continuation. Last but not least, virginity is not that big a deal anymore. And anyway, who's to question? Doctors have declared that the hymen can be ruptured in many other ways besides having sex, such as sporting activities.
But still let us not forget that the first night is first and foremost, a night of high romance and should be treated as such. For it comes, at least in most cases, but once in a lifetime. So let us fervently hope that couples will consummate their marriages with a couplet meant especially for the first night such as this, " United are our minds/ United our hearts/ United our bodies/ I will bind thee with the bond of love/ And the bond shall be dissoluble".
There's no need to carry on with the rest of the aforesaid couplet which says, " I do with thee this sacred work/ May an embryo enter thy womb/ May a child be born without blemish".
That can wait.
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