MOOSE ON THE WATER -- THE BIDEN PALIN DEBATE

Well, here we are in our post-Convention stretch, and I see that neither Party heeded my call to cancel their ballyhoos. I´d suggested that they spend the money (roughly the amount of your average failing financial institution´s exiting CEO´s severance package) on grander pursuits – like eldercare, soldiers' families and generous grants for working humor columnists.

Instead, we had the avalanches of balloons, funny hats, red, white & blue confetti, and fake fireworks. The me-too Republicans were not to be outdone by Barack Obama´s real outdoor post-speech pyrotechnics. Limited by the indoor confines of their Convention center and a rare display of common sense, they co-opted yet another Democratic strategery and set off a video of skyrockets.

I tuned in to both displays and was almost hooked by the hooplas. But, watching real fireworks on TV versus watching a film of real fireworks on TV? I´ve only been less bored by watching other people play poker, and that´s only marginally less numbing than watching a fishing show.

I´ll stick with those televised "reality" sporting events that are beyond where I would ever venture in my scope of recreational practice, like the guy who attempted to break the world airborne smackdown record for wrestling a live alligator while skydiving naked over a fjord. Into a speedboat. Blindfolded.

But, watching a stubbled, flat-affected guy (in a funny hat) use up five minutes of my life deciding whether to double down another guy, (in a hilariously funny hat) is right up there with the same thrill factor of staring down an aquarium screensaver.

Or, how about if I´m channel surfing when my remote control batteries run out, and I´m stuck watching two anglers who look like older and younger versions of Mike Gravel, (and wearing what should be illegally funny hats) sculling along in a johnboat as they "doodle-sock" an Arkansas river? I come away grateful, however, for the opportunity to learn what doodle-socking is, and where and how to avoid it.

I´ll concede that both the Republican and Democratic conventions had their share of entertainment value, like the guy (in a ridiculously hilarious funny hat) holding up a "JOHN McCAIN – The REAL MAVRICK," sign, or the protestor (with a funny head and no hat) brandishing an equally learned "REPUBLICANS ARE MORANS" placard.

Amazingly, I landed the first post-Convention exclusive interview with Governor Sarah Palin (accept no substitutes). I´ve posted it on YouTube, and you´ll find it HERE. I dedicated the video to Rachel Maddow, apparently the only woman standing between Keith Olbermann and his head exploding.

Meanwhile, if I were a Republican, I´d have this advice for Sarah Palin on how to play to her base at the debate:

Dress casual, but heavily nuanced. Something in a rhinestoned, camouflage khaki skirt will do nicely. You obviously have no qualms about showing your legs, and the fact that we never once saw Hillary Clinton´s is not lost on us. This outfit will highlight your feminine side while making us feel like you´re the red meat guide we want on our next moose hunt.

We all know how, in politics, image has become substance. It´s the same pitch we use to sell everything from toilet paper to funny hats. We´re also big on moose here in New Hampshire, though I still can´t fathom why we post "BRAKE FOR MOOSE!" signs on our highways. Anyone who needs to be told this probably shouldn´t be driving.

Next, you should begin and end every sentence with "As Governor of the biggest state in America …"

We Americans are big on big. We like big food. Big houses. Big accounts payables. Big appendages. If you´re really daring, you might even go with: "As Governor of the biggest peninsula in the Western Hemisphere … "

Trust me, they´ll cheer, especially if you prompt an audience surrogate to follow-up with "How … big … IS it?" (I´ll do it, if you´ll get me a funny hat.) You only need answer, in your best Carnac The Magnificent deadpan: "Why, it´s SO BIG, I can practically skim a rock from Wasilla City Hall and hit Moscow!"

Crowd goes wild, Joe Biden visibly pales, and that settles any doubt about your foreign policy savvy, no matter what follows, including whether or not you really have any. Some in the audience will even yell "DRILL!" Don´t let it upset your timing. They´ll also yell this when you say "polar bear" or "PTA," but I think your handlers have already discovered that.

Then, before the moderator can recover, and you´ve got the hailing crowd in your pocket, you launch right into Larry Gedney´s discovery: Larry, an Alaskan seismologist at the Geophysical Institute, University of Alaska Fairbanks, once wrote a scientific study on why a rock always skips twice before taking off if you first throw it on a hard land surface, but only once if you hurl it directly on water.

I´m not kidding, and everyone will applaud the fact that you´re quoting an Alaskan earthquake hunter named Larry. A fun fact like that alone could reel in all the Western states for your ticket.

Again, trust me: no one else will have ever heard of this phenomenon, and even though it´s true, they won´t care, nor will they mind that Alaskan seismologists apparently have too much free time at the beach. They´ll only swoon over you having such heavyweight, anecdotal, scientific-sounding data at your fingertips, and how you expertly wielded it as a distracting metaphor for dealing with a world power.

You could add: "It´s due to the skimming rock´s leading edge, water viscosity and solid mass coefficients. Shucks, any polar bear at the PTA would tell you that."

"DRILL!" they´ll respond, and you´ll have ´em rolling in the aisles.

Then, you simply end with "My friends, if we´re going to ricochet over to Russia, I say it´s twice if by land, and once if by sea."

"DRILL NOW!"

More meaningless metaphor, but one grounded in American heritage, and that will clinch it. A paraphrased Paul Revere, the Ruskies and big oil all in one talking point? Right about there, it could all be over but the voting twice, (if we´re counting Florida and Michigan) and Joe Biden could ride a moose onstage and not get a second glance.

If I were a Democrat, I´d have this advice for Joe Biden and how to play to his base:

If you can´t brake for moose in time, I´d quickly learn how to skim one … once if by land.

Copyright 2008 B. Elwin Sherman. This column is protected by intellectual property laws, including U.S. copyright laws. Electronic or print reproduction, adaptation, or distribution without permission is prohibited. Ordinary links to this column at http://www.elwinshumor.com may be distributed without written permission.