4 Issues You Will Encounter When Leading an Illness Support Group
Lisa Copen
August 05, 2008
After weeks, or even months, of planning for your support group, the time for your first meeting has finally arrived. You have prepared a proposal to start up a support group which has been approved by an organization or church. You have gathered items for a welcome package and have topic or speakers ready to go.
So, you're meeting is sure to run perfectly, Right? Unfortunately, all the plans in the world cannot cancel out a few unforeseen situations. Below are four of the aggravations you may experience during those first few meetings. Knowing what hurdles you may encounter can help you be prepared in advance.
(1) Only a couple of people come.
How it feels: Although it can be disappointing to put so much work into the meeting and have just one or two people come (or maybe none at all!) realize that this can be typical. Don't take it personally. You are fighting an uphill battle in getting people to attend. When they feel ill, they don't especially want to go and socialize with others. When they feel well, they'd rather do something much more fun then sit around and talk about the times they are in pain.
What to do: A good motto is "Hope for the best and prepare for the few." HopeKeepers is a Christian small group program that serves the chronically ill, and their founder says, "Although it's discouraging when just a couple of people come, we try to concentrate on the fact that God planned that specific meeting. Once I had just one person come to my group and I was bummed out, but we ended up having the best conversation. Later she said that she was terribly shy and probably wouldn't have even spoken if others had attended the meeting."
Keep a summary of your lesson plan, even including the topics that were discussed. This way you can easily "replicate" the meeting another time with little preparation. Lastly, consider calling people and, without adding undo pressure, ask them what challenges are preventing them from coming? Is it transportation? Is it the time of day? How could you make it easier for more people to come?
(2) Your lesson plan is completely ignored.
How it feels: You may be quick to assume that your ideas are just not interesting or helpful enough for people's circumstances. You may even feel a touch of anger that people don't appreciate the time you spent preparing.
What to do: Allocate more than usual flexibility in your timeline at first and then add in more structure as the group meets and you begin to see how it flows. It's most likely that people are so excited to meet one another who understand what they experience living with daily chronic pain, that they just want to talk. You've provided a forum where the floodgates of pent up emotions are sure to spill over as soon as they realize they are allowed to be honest and vulnerable. It's impossible to hold up a book and point people back toward your lesson plan when one of the members is sobbing over her daughter who has told her mom her illness is "all in your head" and until she gets over it they are done. This type of situation can occur at any meeting, but it may be more frequent during the first month.
Share with your new friends about your desire for the group to be a safe place where people can share their deepest fears and challenges, but that you also want to make sure everyone leaves feeling more refreshed than when they came. Tell them you respect their time and want to get them out on time (and they can talk afterwards if they wish). Explain that to do so there will be times when you move from a very emotional setting towards closing the meeting with an uplifting article, scripture, poem, prayer, devotional, etc.
(3) Everyone complains about relationships, the medical professionals, their illness-everything.
How it feels: Like you are expected to manage a small riot. There are many built up emotions where people have experienced deeply wounded feelings, unjust consequences, and even medical errors. It can seem they want you to fix the situation or else they will talk incessantly about it to everyone.
What to do: Write up some guidelines, before your first meeting if possible, and include the "venting guidelines." Read "10 Ways to Make Your Illness Support Group Uplifting." One practical tool is to set a timer and allow everyone to have 60 seconds to share their most frustrating experience of the week. Brainstorm about a contest your group could have that would bring some humor to the venting. For example, the person who handled their irksome situation the best or most creatively could win the "Aggravated the Alligator (a rubber alligator) Award" to take home for the week.
Allow people the freedom to share their concerns and frustrations, but include others in the discussion. Say, "Jane, we can relate with what you are sharing. Can someone else tell us how she or he has dealt with these emotions?" If you are doing a study you can say, "Since we have limited time, lets go ahead and move on to the next question. If anyone has some encouragement for Jane, they can share that with her after our meeting."
(4) One person dominates the conversation and seems to take over the meetings, disregarding any plans you have or other's need to talk.
How it feels: Aggravating! You've spent a lot of time preparing for this special time and to have someone come in and take on an overbearing leadership role can be exasperating. When you can see the person leading your group down a path of negativity, you may also be worried about how many people she is scaring away. Will others think this is what your group is all about?
What to do: Set boundaries at the beginning. It's important that people in the group are allowed to share their frustrations, but they also need to respect the others in the group. They must watch their language, the amount of time they dominate a conversation, and how they talk about other people's treatments or decisions.
Put together some simple guidelines at the beginning that you hand out to new members in a welcome folder. Then if the person dominating the meetings doesn't get your hints, speak with her privately. You may also want to put her in charge of a certain part of the meeting so she can have a designated time to talk and be in a leadership position. When situations like this occur, people can be gently reminded of the guidelines they received when they first joined the group. It won't feel quite as personal as you correcting their behavior.
To wrap this up, know that facilitating a support group is often assumed to be a simple task. It's a myth that you let people know you're getting together to share and support one another, lots of people show up, and everyone's personalities just click. It rarely works this way.
It takes a special person who can effectively communicate with people to lead a support group. A facilitator must be able to gently guide people in the path you wish them to go, so that the group makes a positive emotional impact, rather than becoming a complaint forum. A leader be compassionate, but also able to set boundaries or diffuse anger. As circumstances arise, ask other leaders for ideas and support. And most of all, remember that no leader ever feels one-hundred percent capable. Having a willingness to learn and listen are some of the top leadership qualities in which to invest.
Instant download of 200 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend from "Beyond Casseroles" by Lisa Copen when you signup for HopeNotes invisible illness ezine at Rest Ministries. Lisa is the founder of Invisible Illness Awareness
So, you're meeting is sure to run perfectly, Right? Unfortunately, all the plans in the world cannot cancel out a few unforeseen situations. Below are four of the aggravations you may experience during those first few meetings. Knowing what hurdles you may encounter can help you be prepared in advance.
(1) Only a couple of people come.
How it feels: Although it can be disappointing to put so much work into the meeting and have just one or two people come (or maybe none at all!) realize that this can be typical. Don't take it personally. You are fighting an uphill battle in getting people to attend. When they feel ill, they don't especially want to go and socialize with others. When they feel well, they'd rather do something much more fun then sit around and talk about the times they are in pain.
What to do: A good motto is "Hope for the best and prepare for the few." HopeKeepers is a Christian small group program that serves the chronically ill, and their founder says, "Although it's discouraging when just a couple of people come, we try to concentrate on the fact that God planned that specific meeting. Once I had just one person come to my group and I was bummed out, but we ended up having the best conversation. Later she said that she was terribly shy and probably wouldn't have even spoken if others had attended the meeting."
Keep a summary of your lesson plan, even including the topics that were discussed. This way you can easily "replicate" the meeting another time with little preparation. Lastly, consider calling people and, without adding undo pressure, ask them what challenges are preventing them from coming? Is it transportation? Is it the time of day? How could you make it easier for more people to come?
(2) Your lesson plan is completely ignored.
How it feels: You may be quick to assume that your ideas are just not interesting or helpful enough for people's circumstances. You may even feel a touch of anger that people don't appreciate the time you spent preparing.
What to do: Allocate more than usual flexibility in your timeline at first and then add in more structure as the group meets and you begin to see how it flows. It's most likely that people are so excited to meet one another who understand what they experience living with daily chronic pain, that they just want to talk. You've provided a forum where the floodgates of pent up emotions are sure to spill over as soon as they realize they are allowed to be honest and vulnerable. It's impossible to hold up a book and point people back toward your lesson plan when one of the members is sobbing over her daughter who has told her mom her illness is "all in your head" and until she gets over it they are done. This type of situation can occur at any meeting, but it may be more frequent during the first month.
Share with your new friends about your desire for the group to be a safe place where people can share their deepest fears and challenges, but that you also want to make sure everyone leaves feeling more refreshed than when they came. Tell them you respect their time and want to get them out on time (and they can talk afterwards if they wish). Explain that to do so there will be times when you move from a very emotional setting towards closing the meeting with an uplifting article, scripture, poem, prayer, devotional, etc.
(3) Everyone complains about relationships, the medical professionals, their illness-everything.
How it feels: Like you are expected to manage a small riot. There are many built up emotions where people have experienced deeply wounded feelings, unjust consequences, and even medical errors. It can seem they want you to fix the situation or else they will talk incessantly about it to everyone.
What to do: Write up some guidelines, before your first meeting if possible, and include the "venting guidelines." Read "10 Ways to Make Your Illness Support Group Uplifting." One practical tool is to set a timer and allow everyone to have 60 seconds to share their most frustrating experience of the week. Brainstorm about a contest your group could have that would bring some humor to the venting. For example, the person who handled their irksome situation the best or most creatively could win the "Aggravated the Alligator (a rubber alligator) Award" to take home for the week.
Allow people the freedom to share their concerns and frustrations, but include others in the discussion. Say, "Jane, we can relate with what you are sharing. Can someone else tell us how she or he has dealt with these emotions?" If you are doing a study you can say, "Since we have limited time, lets go ahead and move on to the next question. If anyone has some encouragement for Jane, they can share that with her after our meeting."
(4) One person dominates the conversation and seems to take over the meetings, disregarding any plans you have or other's need to talk.
How it feels: Aggravating! You've spent a lot of time preparing for this special time and to have someone come in and take on an overbearing leadership role can be exasperating. When you can see the person leading your group down a path of negativity, you may also be worried about how many people she is scaring away. Will others think this is what your group is all about?
What to do: Set boundaries at the beginning. It's important that people in the group are allowed to share their frustrations, but they also need to respect the others in the group. They must watch their language, the amount of time they dominate a conversation, and how they talk about other people's treatments or decisions.
Put together some simple guidelines at the beginning that you hand out to new members in a welcome folder. Then if the person dominating the meetings doesn't get your hints, speak with her privately. You may also want to put her in charge of a certain part of the meeting so she can have a designated time to talk and be in a leadership position. When situations like this occur, people can be gently reminded of the guidelines they received when they first joined the group. It won't feel quite as personal as you correcting their behavior.
To wrap this up, know that facilitating a support group is often assumed to be a simple task. It's a myth that you let people know you're getting together to share and support one another, lots of people show up, and everyone's personalities just click. It rarely works this way.
It takes a special person who can effectively communicate with people to lead a support group. A facilitator must be able to gently guide people in the path you wish them to go, so that the group makes a positive emotional impact, rather than becoming a complaint forum. A leader be compassionate, but also able to set boundaries or diffuse anger. As circumstances arise, ask other leaders for ideas and support. And most of all, remember that no leader ever feels one-hundred percent capable. Having a willingness to learn and listen are some of the top leadership qualities in which to invest.
Instant download of 200 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend from "Beyond Casseroles" by Lisa Copen when you signup for HopeNotes invisible illness ezine at Rest Ministries. Lisa is the founder of Invisible Illness Awareness
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