DEAR WITBONES: Feeling Small In Vermont? Smaller In Rhode Island? Wild Women Massachusetts Drivers?

WITBONES – "Ask A Humorist!" is a new advice column for the laughlorn by humorist B. Elwin Sherman. This time out, he answers questions on small town life in Vermont, small state life in Rhode Island, and Massachusetts women drivers.

DEAR WITBONES:

I live in a small Vermont town, and that´s my problem. At my age, (I´m almost 18) I´m supposed to know what I want to do with my life, but I´m still not sure. Small town or big city? I grew up here, and I feel like I want to stay and go at the same time. Can you help me decide? Signed: PERPLEXED IN PEACHAM

Dear PERPLEXED:

Ah, sounds like you have the "small town blues," matched in intensity only by its counterpart: the "big city blues." Time to ask yourself this question: What do I most gain by staying and least lose by leaving? Once you think you have the answer, ask yourself what you most lose by staying and least gain by leaving. On the brink of your 18th birthday, always feeling like you "want to stay and go at the same time" is a natural state, as you approach the (most perplexing) secret of adult life:

You´ll never know the real worth of what you don´t have until you gain it, and you´ll never know the real value of what you have until you lose it. If you´ve ever lost your car keys or found what you thought was your long-gone grandmother´s bracelet in a couch cushion crack, you know what I mean.

Thus, whether or not you remain in or leave Peacham, you´ll always know one way of life but never the other.

The answer? Yankee Magazine has designated Peacham, Vermont, as the best village in New England, calling it "unsurpassed." That´s reason enough for anyone to remain a lifelong Peachamite. But, if you don´t find your destiny there, I see that you have an historical building in Peacham called: "The Yellow School House."

You´ll note that today it´s painted white. That´s something you may never realize you´ve loved until you leave it, or know that you´ve missed until you return.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

My wife and I are writing from Rhode Island, and we can tell you that we´re sick and tired of being the butt of "small" jokes. We love our state, we don´t FEEL small, and we want all this smalltalk to stop! Signed: BIGGER IN BARRINGTON

Dear BIGGER

Let´s help settle this once and for all. Firstly, any non-islandic state with an "island" in its name, already has more built-in grandeur than the rest of us combined. Start there. Rhode Island has more big-ness about it in many areas, and the next time you feel diminished by a "small" joke, fight back with some of these:

You have more doughnut/coffee shops per capita than any other state. That big fact alone already has me pondering relocation there. As a humorist, I couldn´t muse without my morning java & pastry, so I´d find inspiration knowing that a resource was always close by. I´ve also just learned that coffee milk is Rhode Island´s "official state drink."

Now I´m practically packing my bags.

You´re also home to "Nibbles Woodaway," known formerly as "The Big Blue Bug." At 4,000 pounds and 58-feet long, it is easily the world´s largest termite, found on I-95 in Providence (Google it, folks). Take THAT, Texas! Go FISH, Florida!

And, if we´re talking proportions, your "Ocean State" has the largest coastline percentage of any state in the U.S., though you´ll never get California to admit it.

Rhode Island also has more existing 100-year old homes than the rest of us, easily making you the king of local landmarks, and because of your size, anyone staying in Rhode Island can visit the whole state in the least amount of time. That gives vacationing tourists bigger bangs for their rubbernecking bucks than they´ll get anywhere else, and with always a doughnut and coffee right around the corner.

Biggest in my book.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

I´d call myself courteous and conscientious when it comes to the road, but I live in Massachusetts, and my job has me traveling extensively in New Hampshire. My license plate obviously informs everyone that I´m a "Massachusetts driver," and I´m also a woman. I´m sick of the stereotypes and of all the comments I get, oftentimes with people yelling at me out their windows when I´ve done nothing wrong. What can I do? Signed: NOT A WILD WOMAN IN WEBSTER

Dear NOT:

As a New Hampshire native and frequent motorist, I feel your pain, and I´ll try hard to be sympathetic.

I can´t speak to the "woman driver" dynamic, at least as it´s commonly maligned. I´m male, and I happen to think that women make far better drivers, with one exception. I say this at the risk of advancing other stereotypes, but I can´t do anything about what I consider facts.

Women have the capacity for reproduction, which makes you circuitous creatures. This is your one automotive liability, however, because only a woman could be comfortable caught in a rotary, happy to circumnavigate until a solution naturally presents itself. No man could endure a labor like that.

The Massachusetts driving element of your persecution is another matter, and is always a delicate dilemma. Any "native" of any state naturally feels a kinship with that state´s machinations. All of us are natives AND tourists at one time and place or another, so I believe the solution lies by giving and taking this problem one driver and one highway at a time.

Remember the old adage: "You can take a woman out of Webster, but you can´t make a square rotary." Thus, I´ll begin the healing by making a pact with you:

If you promise not to honk at me for cutting you off in Webster when I realize I´ve missed the turn-off to Webster´s Lake Chaubunagungamaug, I won´t yell at you when you signal right, turn left, then hit reverse as you discover you´re going the wrong way up Bethlehem´s Mount Agassiz.

If you can pardon me for losing my way to the biggest lake in Webster, I´ll pardon you for backing down a mountain.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

Copyright 2008 by B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved. Questions for WITBONES - "Ask A Humorist!" may be submitted to: WITBONES, c/o B. Elwin Sherman, P.O. Box 360, Bethlehem, NH, 03574. Or, you may e-mail Elwin via the Witbones.com website.