A Family's Right to Review a Copy of the Tribute or Eulogy Prior to Funeral Service

As families are taking a hands-on approach in planning and services, more family members are asking to review the tribute or eulogy prior to the day of the funeral.

This raises an important question.

Are families entitled to see a tribute or eulogy prior to a funeral, whether it's being presented by clergy or Celebrants?

Lisa Carlson, author of "Caring for the Dead: Your Final Act of Love," notes the importance of responding to a family's need.

"If the family is paying for something--clergy or celebrant--I think they have every right to see and okay it first, if they want. It's the family, after all, that knows the deceased and probably the audience best and what's going to be appropriate or not. It's not like a steak you can send back to the kitchen. You certainly test-drive a car or a computer to see if it meets your needs," Carlson said.

When it comes to saying goodbye, the funeral belongs to the family.

As a Celebrant who sits with family members for two or three hours learning about a life story, families should feel comfortable about what will happen at the funeral service. Celebrants attempt to honor each and every wish mentioned in the family meeting.

At the end of our meeting, I share with the family the exact order of service and every event that will take place during the service from music selections to speakers. It's important to the family, who, oftentimes, has never arranged a funeral service before this moment.

A Celebrant's goal is to listen and involve family members in the planning process with welcome arms.

Different from a clergy led service, Celebrant funeral services are custom-designed and written with many personal stories to fit the family's needs. Celebrants serve the family first and what is best for that family at that time is what is best for the final funeral service.

Sometimes family members ask for a copy of the service prior to the funeral to make sure they haven't forgotten a special story or simply to fact check the tribute.

If a family is concerned about exactly what will be said at the funeral wanting no surprises at the service, they are entitled to have it their way.

Only a handful of my families have requested to see a service prior to the day of the funeral, but when a family makes a request it should be honored.

Executives, professionals and even one English teacher have all asked to read tributes I've written for loved ones before the funeral service. A single read-through may be all they need so they know exactly what will happen.

For some family members, it's an important part of the process for them to take an active role, especially if they are emotionally unable to speak at the service themselves. Other family members don't want any surprises in the funeral service.

Giving family members a voice and providing a forum for communication helps create an inclusive environment without slowing down the process. The Internet and e-mail have made exchanges of drafts fluid and easy.

Consumer advocates agree: taking a hands-on approach to funeral planning will help in the healing process.

For any family member about to plan their first funeral service, I encourage you to ask the questions you need to have answered prior to service. In the long run, getting involved and being heard will deliver a meaningful funeral that truly captures your loved one's life story because you never forget the day you say goodbye.

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