The Main Argument in Relationships
Elaine Sihera
July 21, 2008
The recurring argument in relatinships seem to revolve around FAIR SHARES. Some people come to the partnership believing that, as long as they do their half', their bit' or their fair share' all will be well. However, our perception of a genuine 'half' can be someone else's idea of 10 per cent - a discrepancy which causes the most disagreement in relationships. There is no such thing as a successful long-term relationship where each partner gives only a personal interpretation of their half. The inevitable truth is that, after a while, the differing perceptions of sharing will result in cries of "Selfish!" or "Unfair."
What is genuinely fair is usually decided between both parties in advance of living together, or soon after moving in with each other. True halves have to be negotiated to become the couple's reality. Better to come to the union expecting to give 100 percent and find that much less is taken from you, than prepared to give 50 per cent, only to have it regarded as insufficient! If you know that your partner is contributing more than their perceived fair share', it's easier for you to do the same too.
Everyone knows that improving a relationship is a disfficult task. However, genuinely identifying the problems will lead to their root causes which, if addressed in a caring way, should ultimately lead to solutions. The key in all this soul-searching has to be what people want in any relationship. What, exactly, do they hope to come out of it? One cannot have an improvement if one is not sure what is lacking or what could make things better. So, perhaps the best place to begin the search for improvement is with a series of surveys conducted by AboutMarriage.com. Their Marriage Qualities Survey Results collated 932 responses from their readers to identify the top ten essential qualities for a long-lasting marriage. The most popular selections, in descending order, were: honesty, love, communication, trust, respect, commitment, humour, support, compassion and being dependable.
I was surprised at the number one choice being honesty (selected by over 700 people). I thought love or respect would top the list. But, it seems most of us just want openness and transparency. We do not want lies or stonewalling. At least, with honesty, people know where they stand in any relationship. However, when asked about the qualities of a successful marriage, love shoots right to the top. It seems that there is a subtle distinction between having a long-lasting relationship and a successful one. Perhaps being long-lasting and unhappy is not regarded as successful. Either way, love and communication head the list of our needs in any relationship with others.
What is genuinely fair is usually decided between both parties in advance of living together, or soon after moving in with each other. True halves have to be negotiated to become the couple's reality. Better to come to the union expecting to give 100 percent and find that much less is taken from you, than prepared to give 50 per cent, only to have it regarded as insufficient! If you know that your partner is contributing more than their perceived fair share', it's easier for you to do the same too.
Everyone knows that improving a relationship is a disfficult task. However, genuinely identifying the problems will lead to their root causes which, if addressed in a caring way, should ultimately lead to solutions. The key in all this soul-searching has to be what people want in any relationship. What, exactly, do they hope to come out of it? One cannot have an improvement if one is not sure what is lacking or what could make things better. So, perhaps the best place to begin the search for improvement is with a series of surveys conducted by AboutMarriage.com. Their Marriage Qualities Survey Results collated 932 responses from their readers to identify the top ten essential qualities for a long-lasting marriage. The most popular selections, in descending order, were: honesty, love, communication, trust, respect, commitment, humour, support, compassion and being dependable.
I was surprised at the number one choice being honesty (selected by over 700 people). I thought love or respect would top the list. But, it seems most of us just want openness and transparency. We do not want lies or stonewalling. At least, with honesty, people know where they stand in any relationship. However, when asked about the qualities of a successful marriage, love shoots right to the top. It seems that there is a subtle distinction between having a long-lasting relationship and a successful one. Perhaps being long-lasting and unhappy is not regarded as successful. Either way, love and communication head the list of our needs in any relationship with others.
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