DEAR WITBONES: Holy Strawberry? World Record Stripper? Vending Machine Robbery? Pedaling Papers?

WITBONES – "Ask A Humorist!" is a new advice column for the laughlorn by humorist B. Elwin Sherman. This time out, he answers questions on the value of Presidential fruit, World Record wannabes, vending machine theft, and the extinction of "paperboys" (and girls).

DEAR WITBONES:

I can´t compete with people who find holy images in ordinary objects, but I did recently buy a quart of strawberries from a local farm, and I found one berry with a mooshed-in tip, and it´s a ringer for Herbert Hoover. Should I try to sell this rarity on Ebay? Signed: JUICY MEMORABILIA IN MADISON

Dear JUICY:

No one will remember (but you can remind them in your Ebay listing) that Herbert Hoover once said: "A good many things go around in the dark besides Santa Claus." Your question leaves that assertion unchallenged.

Yes, certainly you should list your prized discovery on Ebay. As I write this, there is an "unused popsicle stick" posted for auction there. I wish I was kidding, but the current bid is $26.00. Another seller is about to make ten dollars on an "Empty pack of Kool-Aid." There are ten idiots out there bidding on these two items. In light of this, I´ve no doubt your Hoover-berry will knock the socks off the Presidential fruit memorabilia collectors.

Careful on the shipping, though. Unless you freeze, pack and send it properly, your winning bidder might end up receiving a likeness of a mooshed-in Warren Harding.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

I´ve always wanted to hold a world record for something, but I´m no athlete. In fact, I´m female, small, and I´m all thumbs. But, when I see that a man is about to break the world record for sitting in over 90,000 seats in the Rose Bowl, I think, WOW, I could do THAT! I can SIT, for Pete´s sake! Any other suggestions for world record feats that I might consider? Signed: BOTTOM´S UP IN BOSTON

Dear BOTTOM´S:

I admire your get-up-and-go, but this may be more than a sitting woman can stand, given your size and admitted lack of fine motor skills. Still, you needn´t have Wonder Woman prowess to make or break world records. Examples:

You´re writing from Boston, so how about an attempt at eating the most baked beans in the shortest amount of time? Current record is now six pounds in one minute, forty-eight seconds. Or, you just missed this year´s Fourth of July Hotdog Eating Contest in Coney Island: Fifty-nine wieners in ten minutes. A tiebreaker had the winner taking the gold in a "Five Dog Eat-Off." Come on, if you can eat one Fenway Frank, you can eat sixty-four. Start training.

Something more unusual? You could attempt to out-undress the Japanese man who can completely strip down in seven seconds flat. Even if you lose, they´ll love your attempt on YouTube. Or, the guy who´s collected 137 different types of traffic cones (you live in Boston; you could easily best this record by circling one city block).

You may already own a world record, however. You said you were "all thumbs?" The current world record holder has eight, but they´re all on one foot. Still, I´d call Guinness.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

Today I put change in a soda machine and pressed my selection. Nothing came out. I pressed the coin return. Nothing came back. Finally, I tried ALL the buttons -- and the one which dropped down was the one brand I wouldn´t drink if it was the last fluid on earth. This kind of thing happens to me all the time. I´m always getting robbed by vending machines, of all kinds. What´s going on? Signed: HELD UP IN HENDERSONVILLE

Dear HELD:

I went to a gas station recently (though I prefer, these days, to call them "liquid non-biomass fuel emporiums") and saw that only the high-test octane was available. All the pumps had their regular and mid-grade pump handles hooded. This is a ruse, of course, because we all know there is only one big tank in the ground.

No one has made a truly high-octane gasoline since the heady Texaco days when five guys in bow ties rushed out and not only fueled your car, but checked your air, oil, windshield wipers and offered to babysit your children.

Soda machine and other related vendors use the same tricky redirection. When not enough of the sugarless, caffeine-free, tropical citrus root fruit tea is selling, the machine goes into squelch mode, shutting down the other selections, leaving you with the "last fluid on earth."

Not to worry. You do not have some mysterious, techno-popological, anti-karma going on. Machines are not conspiring against you. You´re just a victim, along with the rest of us, of unnatural selection.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

Whatever happened to paper boys? (Girls, too). I miss those neighborhood kids delivering my morning newspaper on their bicycles. Now, it gets mailed to me, and it´s always late. Signed: NO NEWS IN NORTHFIELD

Dear NO:

Ah, a touch of nostalgia! Yes, I was one of those speedy deliverers years ago, on my beloved Schwinn Cruiser. Well, you might as well ask whatever happened to chrome forks, steel handlebars, balloon whitewall tires, rubber block pedals, two-tone paint, Phantom grips with multi-colored tassels, fender and rack mounts, and 3-spring padded saddles.

I made enough money as a "paper boy" to keep me in Cherry Bombs (back when those now outlawed ball-shaped firecrackers could blow a hole in your average newspaper delivery bag).

I´d suggest watching "Leave It To Beaver" reruns until the mail comes.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

Copyright 2008 by B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved. Questions for WITBONES - "Ask A Humorist!" may be submitted to: WITBONES, c/o B. Elwin Sherman, P.O. Box 360, Bethlehem, NH, 03574. Or, you may e-mail Elwin via the Witbones.com website.