Attention: Addictions and Affairs, Here, There & In Cyber Space
Alice Aspen March
July 14, 2008
Attention, addictions and affaires all start with the letter "A" which immediately gives them something in common. However, those three words really have a deeper connection than just their initials. Attention, as I see it, is the root cause of addictions and affaires!
Why, you might ask, do I say that? Because: The kind of attention we get in all our relationships is the root cause of our behavior and our feelings. That´s such an important declaration that I want to write it again. The kind of attention we receive from people, where we feel ignored, excluded, neglected, or violated makes us hurt, uncomfortable and we feel internally bruised. Affaires are basically manifestations of our needing to go away to feel better, to feel safer, more comfortable, more wanted. There´s a very famous book, The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne, which describes this very phenomenon. Hester Pyrnne, the wife of the town´s minister, went down the street to get the kind of attention she needed! The scarlet letter was an "A" which stood for adultery, the word used to describe a married person´s having a sexual relationship with someone outside their marriage. A very old and, yet, totally current "activity."
Recently, Elliott Spitzer could have been branded with such an "A". I don´t begin to know what kind of attention he was or was not getting from his wife or even what he needed from her. But he needed some other kind to make him feel whole, like a man, to feel better, to feel more alive. It´s complicated to be sure, but the facts are that he was caught having an on-going affair with a "young lady of the night." Certainly, that was self-destructive behavior of the worst kind for him, as it impacted hugely on his wife, his daughters, even on the state of New York. He resigned as Governor. He certainly acted out big time! The why´s are no doubt, many; I only wish that he takes the time and makes the effort to find out why.
When we feel as if people don´t really care about us, wish we weren´t around or treat us abusively, we feel invisible, valueless, and generally bad and/or angry. Those are definitely unpleasant feelings to have, so we have to do something to make ourselves feel better or different. Some of us over-eat and under-eat, drink too much, jog too much, do drugs, even take to cutting ourselves, hoping we´ll get some attention that makes us feel better. Inside every person committing anti-social or unhealthy behavior is the pain, or an emptiness, at not getting the special attention they need to feel good. How does this happen? Chances are they never learned how to identify or to ask for what they needed. Additionally they never got permission to ask, were punished for asking or never saw healthy behavior role-modeled.
So some people do walk away from places and persons that feel toxic to them.
I was recently asked how I regard cyber affaires. Can they be called adulterous?
I would call a cyber relationship, which more and more people appear to be engaging in right in front of their partner´s eyes, an emotional affair. In a cyber affair, people get something they need from another person, something that makes them feel valued, desirable, and visible. I have come to realize that one person simply cannot be everything for another. Outrageous? Our world tells us that when you marry or partner up, one person will give you everything you need. That is an impossible task. We either have to give ourselves the kind of attention we need sometimes or find appropriate ways and friends to give us the kind we need. When emotional affairs occur, they do damage to a marriage, for they dilute the bonding energy between the couple. Today´s life styles are so busy and crowded that "attention-voids" are created easily. Wives are too busy with the kids, their jobs and running households; husbands work overtime, bring their cell phones and blackberries home to use or are so exhausted emotionally, when they finally get home, they go right to the television set to "decompose." Too many people tell me that their husbands do nothing at home except watch television. Could we call that another form of cyber affair?
It´s become a vicious circle wherein the workplace doesn´t provide enough positive attention to employees and families don´t give enough positive attention to each other.
Feelings and behavior from personal and family events go right into the workplace; feelings and behavior in the workplace come right back out again at home and in relationships.
Where to begin to break this pervasive cycle of "social attention deficit"? We start with each one of us, paying attention to each other, to ourselves and to what´s happening in all of our relationships, everywhere.
Why, you might ask, do I say that? Because: The kind of attention we get in all our relationships is the root cause of our behavior and our feelings. That´s such an important declaration that I want to write it again. The kind of attention we receive from people, where we feel ignored, excluded, neglected, or violated makes us hurt, uncomfortable and we feel internally bruised. Affaires are basically manifestations of our needing to go away to feel better, to feel safer, more comfortable, more wanted. There´s a very famous book, The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne, which describes this very phenomenon. Hester Pyrnne, the wife of the town´s minister, went down the street to get the kind of attention she needed! The scarlet letter was an "A" which stood for adultery, the word used to describe a married person´s having a sexual relationship with someone outside their marriage. A very old and, yet, totally current "activity."
Recently, Elliott Spitzer could have been branded with such an "A". I don´t begin to know what kind of attention he was or was not getting from his wife or even what he needed from her. But he needed some other kind to make him feel whole, like a man, to feel better, to feel more alive. It´s complicated to be sure, but the facts are that he was caught having an on-going affair with a "young lady of the night." Certainly, that was self-destructive behavior of the worst kind for him, as it impacted hugely on his wife, his daughters, even on the state of New York. He resigned as Governor. He certainly acted out big time! The why´s are no doubt, many; I only wish that he takes the time and makes the effort to find out why.
When we feel as if people don´t really care about us, wish we weren´t around or treat us abusively, we feel invisible, valueless, and generally bad and/or angry. Those are definitely unpleasant feelings to have, so we have to do something to make ourselves feel better or different. Some of us over-eat and under-eat, drink too much, jog too much, do drugs, even take to cutting ourselves, hoping we´ll get some attention that makes us feel better. Inside every person committing anti-social or unhealthy behavior is the pain, or an emptiness, at not getting the special attention they need to feel good. How does this happen? Chances are they never learned how to identify or to ask for what they needed. Additionally they never got permission to ask, were punished for asking or never saw healthy behavior role-modeled.
So some people do walk away from places and persons that feel toxic to them.
I was recently asked how I regard cyber affaires. Can they be called adulterous?
I would call a cyber relationship, which more and more people appear to be engaging in right in front of their partner´s eyes, an emotional affair. In a cyber affair, people get something they need from another person, something that makes them feel valued, desirable, and visible. I have come to realize that one person simply cannot be everything for another. Outrageous? Our world tells us that when you marry or partner up, one person will give you everything you need. That is an impossible task. We either have to give ourselves the kind of attention we need sometimes or find appropriate ways and friends to give us the kind we need. When emotional affairs occur, they do damage to a marriage, for they dilute the bonding energy between the couple. Today´s life styles are so busy and crowded that "attention-voids" are created easily. Wives are too busy with the kids, their jobs and running households; husbands work overtime, bring their cell phones and blackberries home to use or are so exhausted emotionally, when they finally get home, they go right to the television set to "decompose." Too many people tell me that their husbands do nothing at home except watch television. Could we call that another form of cyber affair?
It´s become a vicious circle wherein the workplace doesn´t provide enough positive attention to employees and families don´t give enough positive attention to each other.
Feelings and behavior from personal and family events go right into the workplace; feelings and behavior in the workplace come right back out again at home and in relationships.
Where to begin to break this pervasive cycle of "social attention deficit"? We start with each one of us, paying attention to each other, to ourselves and to what´s happening in all of our relationships, everywhere.
Print
Email
