The Askable Mom

When Sarah found out her 17-year old daughter was pregnant, she thought she would die. "How could Nikki do that to me, to us? " was all Sarah could say.Theirs was a closely-knit family and she had dedicated most of her life as a hands-on mother. Sarah just couldn't believe it happened to her own child.

I found out however, that it wasn't entirely Nikki's fault. A confidante told me the child had problems communicating with her mother. Although she felt close to her Mom, she was afraid to tell her about her boyfriend or their dates because sex is a prohibited topic in their home. "We don't talk about things like that."

She was afraid to ask or tell Sarah about it, until it was too late. Sad, but unfortunately true that family problems and crises oftentimes bloom from mere lack of communication between parents and the children.

Why is it, that for so many kids today, talking to their parents is a last resort and not a first impulse? Perhaps because they have an ill-conceived notion that their parents - the two people who care for them most - would not come to their aid, or understand them whenever they're in trouble.

According to a counselor who specializes in family issues, many well-meaning parents has already unintentionally shut the door against their kids' confidences. By not being at home or too busy in their own messed-up lives, they missed the opportunity to gain from an open communication with the children.

I don't have a daughter to guard ( sob...sob ), but even then, I would really try my best to be an "Askable Mom" to my three sons. Instead of relying on their friends or other people's advise, I would like them to come to me or their Dada whenever they need help in figuring things out. But how?

By being an "Askable Mom." And that means....

THAT YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. An ideal home for me is where one parent stays at home to care for the family and bring up the children. Not the yaya, not the helpers. Kids have that natural love for those who give them care and affection. Love is a big step towards gaining trust and security.

If you want your children to love, trust and confide in you - make sure you are always there when they need you.

THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU WILL ALWAYS LOVE THEM. Growing-up is a difficult stage, and it is in making mistakes on the way that an adult develops. Having adolescent kids can be a most trying period to a parent. Teens go and hang out with friends, fall in love, and make decisions that affect their future.

There will be mood swings and emotional outbursts that say "Leave me alone". When this dilemma comes, it is best to set limits on behaviors that are considered unacceptable. But at the same time, leave the door open for talk and assure them that whatever happens, they will always be loved.

THAT YOU ONLY WANT THE BEST FOR THEM. Like most dedicated mothers, I sometimes find myself using the wrong words when chiding my kids. Phrases that are meant to protect and prevent them from harm end up in a twisted message.

My eldest son was telling me that some of his classmates went out with girls to watch an adult movie. Instead of asking Miguel : "what do you think of that? ", I end up saying " If those kids were mine, I would..." then stopped. him. I hurriedly explained that twelve year olds are not yet prepared for the visual and emotional impact of an adult movie. " It may disturb their minds." Miguel merely shrugged it off, but I hope he understood that I wouldn't want it to happen to him.

THAT I'M MORE THAN WILLING TO LISTEN TO THEM. This is the most difficult part - getting your kids to open up to you. For before it can happen, parents must first open the door to the kids, so they will know that what they think or feel matters. How many parents today learn of their kids' problems only when things get out of hand? Kids must feel free to tell their parents anything and it is also essential that we respond to them in a positive way. If a kid starts telling you about her/his friend's "problem", listen intently because he/she may be testing you. The unspoken question could be: "What if this happens to me, can I come to you?"

Be careful with your reaction because silence from you also mean a closed door. And that could seal forever what could have been a beautiful, open relationship with your child.

I know, I know. To be an Askable Mom is a Titanic task. But there is nothing more rewarding and fulfilling for a mother than to be treated as a friend by her children.

My Mommy Ruth is one person I can run to anytime, be it for happy or bad news. We're like old friends, and it is one of my aspirations in life to be like her in that aspect.

My Mom-in-law Mommy Nena is also a dear. Although I met here only later in life, it is also easy for me to talk to her about anything (especially about her son..tee-hee-hee). It occurred to me then, than our generation was blessed that our mothers were at home for us to turn to in times of tears and happiness.

What about our kids today? Are we there for them? If not, are we trying to make up for our absence by being the Askable Mom when we're around?

You don't need a Psychology Degree or flip charts and diagrams for this. Preachy lectures won't work, either. Just take time to listen and learn from them. The reward comes when one day, they say: "I know I could come to you."

For however they've grown in stature and in mind, deep within them is still a child forever longing for a Mother's love and care. Happy "Askable" Mother's Day!