Don´t let Backstabbers and difficult behavior kill your dreams and undermine your leadership
Marsha Petrie Sue
June 30, 2008
We have all encountered Toxic People and especially the difficult behavior of Backstabbers at work. They are gossips, mean spirited and hurtful and often make personal development hard. In my research for the Toxic People book, one in every 30 people in high-performing business situations has been identified as a Backstabber. This rate is several times higher than that of the general population. Are you surprised? These people have little conscience or ability to change because their antics get them what they want. Their only goals seem to be power and personal gain. Pay attention to these people because they can tear up your road to success and kill your dreams.
So what can you do to manage these emotional vampires and your mental terrorism caused by these nasty people? How do you take personal responsibility for sharpening your skills, not your tongue?
1. Identify the behavior: Taking credit for others´ work and finding reasons to place blame whenever anything goes wrong are typical of their malicious approach. Understand that their undermining ugliness often pushes you into toxic behavior. Pay attention to how you handle their attacks and what kind of behavior you exhibit.
2. Never overlook the damage Backstabbers can do. Don´t laugh at them or shrug off their behavior. If you do, it just reinforces their control and their negative positioning. They won´t change, because this approach has worked for them in the past.
3. Listen for the messages they send and how you interpret their vicious banter: Do you hear, "Be careful what you say about me, or I´ll say something that will embarrass you in front of others" or "There is nothing you can do to stop me; I´m more clever than you?" Remember silence is golden and duct tape is silver!
4. Learn survival tactics: One approach is to build a positive relationship with Backstabbers and anyone they have enlisted. This is tricky especially if you are not in a leadership position but remember that the more your coworkers like you, the less they will side with them. Never say anything negative about the Backstabbers. If they find out, they will turn you into the difficult behavior. Their cleverness is well honed.
It is your job to start the process of clarification. Don´t wait for it to improve on its own because it won´t! Take personal responsibility for your outcomes.
5. Use specific language: In testing language for my book, Toxic People, I´ve found the following to work most effectively. "That did sound like you were serious. Do the rest of you feel that way? Is this becoming a problem?" Or, "I understand that you´re unhappy with the plan. Your feedback is important. I want to hear what you think." The secret here is to practice several times what you will say. Learn your responses as well as you know your own name and don´t laugh during your delivery.
Above all, stay pleasant and focus on the positive intent of the interaction. A positive attitude won´t solve all your problems, but it will tick off enough people to make it work the effort! And the real key in dealing with Backstabbers at work -- don´t become one.
Please visit www.MarshaPetriesSue.com or email send an email to Marsha@MarshaPetrieSue.com and request the Ten Commandments of Cooperation and sign up for the fabulous online newsletter.
So what can you do to manage these emotional vampires and your mental terrorism caused by these nasty people? How do you take personal responsibility for sharpening your skills, not your tongue?
1. Identify the behavior: Taking credit for others´ work and finding reasons to place blame whenever anything goes wrong are typical of their malicious approach. Understand that their undermining ugliness often pushes you into toxic behavior. Pay attention to how you handle their attacks and what kind of behavior you exhibit.
2. Never overlook the damage Backstabbers can do. Don´t laugh at them or shrug off their behavior. If you do, it just reinforces their control and their negative positioning. They won´t change, because this approach has worked for them in the past.
3. Listen for the messages they send and how you interpret their vicious banter: Do you hear, "Be careful what you say about me, or I´ll say something that will embarrass you in front of others" or "There is nothing you can do to stop me; I´m more clever than you?" Remember silence is golden and duct tape is silver!
4. Learn survival tactics: One approach is to build a positive relationship with Backstabbers and anyone they have enlisted. This is tricky especially if you are not in a leadership position but remember that the more your coworkers like you, the less they will side with them. Never say anything negative about the Backstabbers. If they find out, they will turn you into the difficult behavior. Their cleverness is well honed.
It is your job to start the process of clarification. Don´t wait for it to improve on its own because it won´t! Take personal responsibility for your outcomes.
5. Use specific language: In testing language for my book, Toxic People, I´ve found the following to work most effectively. "That did sound like you were serious. Do the rest of you feel that way? Is this becoming a problem?" Or, "I understand that you´re unhappy with the plan. Your feedback is important. I want to hear what you think." The secret here is to practice several times what you will say. Learn your responses as well as you know your own name and don´t laugh during your delivery.
Above all, stay pleasant and focus on the positive intent of the interaction. A positive attitude won´t solve all your problems, but it will tick off enough people to make it work the effort! And the real key in dealing with Backstabbers at work -- don´t become one.
Please visit www.MarshaPetriesSue.com or email send an email to Marsha@MarshaPetrieSue.com and request the Ten Commandments of Cooperation and sign up for the fabulous online newsletter.
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