To Rant or Not To Rant
Mike Williams
March 09, 2006
I think it?s time for a rant column. A column about pet peeves and stuff that just makes you ill just by thinking about it. Healthy hair, CBS, Nudity vs. Pornography, Death Taxes, Saddam, and Home Ownership are just some of the things that have been on my list. Grab an adult beverage, these things are always fun.
For anyone who buys shampoo on the hope that it will give you ?healthy? hair, I have some terrible news. It won?t give you ?healthy? hair. In order for something to be healthy, it first has to be alive. Your hair and fingernails and toenails are made up of dead cells and ?growing? hair and fingernails are just your body?s way of getting rid of them. They appear to grow because they are being forced out of your body. You see, hair can?t be healthy because it?s dead. It?s not alive or anything like that. Here?s the litmus test. Cut off some of your hair. Put it away somewhere. Look at it in ten years. It will look exactly the same way it did when you cut it off. Why? Because it?s already dead. It?s dead when you cut it off and it?s dead when you look at it ten years later. If you still have doubts, think about this. If a monkey dies, how does that monkey look in ten years? I?ll bet the monkey looks different because of the fact that living things decompose when they die. There is nothing ?healthy? about being dead.
Let?s just say for a moment that you are a reporter with a major network like?oh, I don?t know?let?s just use CBS as an example. If someone tells you a story and it sounds true, by all means, you should check it out. If that person gives you documents or papers to support his or her position, that?s terrific! Ok, take another sip of that beverage. If the person who gives you the story makes stuff up, then you may have a problem. It?s a new concept here. I mean real progressive thinking so just hang in there. If those papers they gave you are forged documents (that?s a technical term that means ?make believe?), then you really don?t have a story. It?s not really a story because they just made it up; you see? It?s a make believe story. It?s like when you played Cowboys and Indians when you were in grade school. You really weren?t an Indian. You just said that you were. It?s just plain ?Tom Foolery.? If you become involved with forged documents, then you?d have to play a new game. It?s called Jailbird & My New Boyfriend Bubba. It?s not as fun as the other games.
Nudity and Pornography are not the same thing. Actually, they are quite different. I remember watching an old Phil Donahue show where he was interviewing one of the reporters from the Naked News based in Canada. I remember a woman who kept screaming that what they were doing was pornographic. It isn?t. They simply report the news like Fox or ABC except that they are naked when they do it. Being naked means that you are nude and not wearing any clothes. Pornography is when you are having sex or engaged in a sex-like act. By that definition, Playboy magazine is not pornographic. Penthouse Magazine would be considered pornographic. For all you Catholics out there struggling with this one, here?s some food for thought. The Catholic Church used to condone prostitution. The moral high ground they hold the issue today was vastly different then the position they used to have. Hardly the steady stream of morality that you imagine they might have today. They are hardly an authority on the subject.
If you are dead, you shouldn?t pay taxes. Call me crazy! Why shouldn?t you have to pay estate taxes if you?re dead? Well, it?s because you are dead. It?s amazing that legislators even debate this subject. What?s to debate? Dead people shouldn?t have to pay taxes. I also don?t think that a dead person should have to fill out an income tax form either. Why? Because, they are dead. It?s almost as ridiculous as trying to make Abe Lincoln pay back taxes. I believe that if the current lawmakers could find a way to do it, they would.
I shouldn?t have to spend any time on this next one but because I care, I will grudge through it. Why are we in Iraq? The answer is rather simple but some of you out there are having some trouble so I?ll explain it for you. We are in Iraq because of a few important reasons. Saddam Hussein was strongly akin to Adolf Hitler. In the late 1930?s, everyone in the world community knew that Adolf was a bad person. They stood by and watched as he invaded neighboring countries like Poland for example. They knew he was bad and did nothing. That being said, here comes Saddam Hussein. He is doing the same bad things Hitler did. He invaded a neighbor and got his hands slapped. Instead of letting Saddam reach his potential as a truly evil person, George W. Bush decided to stop him before the evil was truly realized. He was killing his own citizens and terrorizing those he didn?t kill. In effect, he scared people into liking him. Just like James Brown except James Brown doesn?t kill people. At least, not that we know of. If you?re not sure about the analogy, listen to Eddie Murphy. He makes a good case. Saddam also had several weapons programs that he tested on his own people. It is believed that since we gave him several months? notice before we invaded, he sent those weapons to Syria and/or Iran. I think the most obvious reason for going into Iraq was that Saddam himself was a terrorist. We all know what our policy is on terrorism after September 11th so it should come as no surprise that we went after him. As far as WMDs go, how do we know he had them? Because in part, we gave them to him.
If you are a homeowner, I have some bad news for you. You don?t really own your house. Oh, you may have paid off your mortgage but that doesn?t mean anything. You still have to pay taxes on it and if you don?t then the government can take your house away. As long as someone can take something away from you, it?s not really yours. Is this wrong? Yes. That rumbling sound you hear is the founding fathers turning over in their graves.
If you still have some of that ?adult? beverage left, go back and read this again. You?re not doing it right.
For anyone who buys shampoo on the hope that it will give you ?healthy? hair, I have some terrible news. It won?t give you ?healthy? hair. In order for something to be healthy, it first has to be alive. Your hair and fingernails and toenails are made up of dead cells and ?growing? hair and fingernails are just your body?s way of getting rid of them. They appear to grow because they are being forced out of your body. You see, hair can?t be healthy because it?s dead. It?s not alive or anything like that. Here?s the litmus test. Cut off some of your hair. Put it away somewhere. Look at it in ten years. It will look exactly the same way it did when you cut it off. Why? Because it?s already dead. It?s dead when you cut it off and it?s dead when you look at it ten years later. If you still have doubts, think about this. If a monkey dies, how does that monkey look in ten years? I?ll bet the monkey looks different because of the fact that living things decompose when they die. There is nothing ?healthy? about being dead.
Let?s just say for a moment that you are a reporter with a major network like?oh, I don?t know?let?s just use CBS as an example. If someone tells you a story and it sounds true, by all means, you should check it out. If that person gives you documents or papers to support his or her position, that?s terrific! Ok, take another sip of that beverage. If the person who gives you the story makes stuff up, then you may have a problem. It?s a new concept here. I mean real progressive thinking so just hang in there. If those papers they gave you are forged documents (that?s a technical term that means ?make believe?), then you really don?t have a story. It?s not really a story because they just made it up; you see? It?s a make believe story. It?s like when you played Cowboys and Indians when you were in grade school. You really weren?t an Indian. You just said that you were. It?s just plain ?Tom Foolery.? If you become involved with forged documents, then you?d have to play a new game. It?s called Jailbird & My New Boyfriend Bubba. It?s not as fun as the other games.
Nudity and Pornography are not the same thing. Actually, they are quite different. I remember watching an old Phil Donahue show where he was interviewing one of the reporters from the Naked News based in Canada. I remember a woman who kept screaming that what they were doing was pornographic. It isn?t. They simply report the news like Fox or ABC except that they are naked when they do it. Being naked means that you are nude and not wearing any clothes. Pornography is when you are having sex or engaged in a sex-like act. By that definition, Playboy magazine is not pornographic. Penthouse Magazine would be considered pornographic. For all you Catholics out there struggling with this one, here?s some food for thought. The Catholic Church used to condone prostitution. The moral high ground they hold the issue today was vastly different then the position they used to have. Hardly the steady stream of morality that you imagine they might have today. They are hardly an authority on the subject.
If you are dead, you shouldn?t pay taxes. Call me crazy! Why shouldn?t you have to pay estate taxes if you?re dead? Well, it?s because you are dead. It?s amazing that legislators even debate this subject. What?s to debate? Dead people shouldn?t have to pay taxes. I also don?t think that a dead person should have to fill out an income tax form either. Why? Because, they are dead. It?s almost as ridiculous as trying to make Abe Lincoln pay back taxes. I believe that if the current lawmakers could find a way to do it, they would.
I shouldn?t have to spend any time on this next one but because I care, I will grudge through it. Why are we in Iraq? The answer is rather simple but some of you out there are having some trouble so I?ll explain it for you. We are in Iraq because of a few important reasons. Saddam Hussein was strongly akin to Adolf Hitler. In the late 1930?s, everyone in the world community knew that Adolf was a bad person. They stood by and watched as he invaded neighboring countries like Poland for example. They knew he was bad and did nothing. That being said, here comes Saddam Hussein. He is doing the same bad things Hitler did. He invaded a neighbor and got his hands slapped. Instead of letting Saddam reach his potential as a truly evil person, George W. Bush decided to stop him before the evil was truly realized. He was killing his own citizens and terrorizing those he didn?t kill. In effect, he scared people into liking him. Just like James Brown except James Brown doesn?t kill people. At least, not that we know of. If you?re not sure about the analogy, listen to Eddie Murphy. He makes a good case. Saddam also had several weapons programs that he tested on his own people. It is believed that since we gave him several months? notice before we invaded, he sent those weapons to Syria and/or Iran. I think the most obvious reason for going into Iraq was that Saddam himself was a terrorist. We all know what our policy is on terrorism after September 11th so it should come as no surprise that we went after him. As far as WMDs go, how do we know he had them? Because in part, we gave them to him.
If you are a homeowner, I have some bad news for you. You don?t really own your house. Oh, you may have paid off your mortgage but that doesn?t mean anything. You still have to pay taxes on it and if you don?t then the government can take your house away. As long as someone can take something away from you, it?s not really yours. Is this wrong? Yes. That rumbling sound you hear is the founding fathers turning over in their graves.
If you still have some of that ?adult? beverage left, go back and read this again. You?re not doing it right.
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