GAS-SAVING TIPS? Pay Before Pumping, And Eat More Lima Beans

Never use this logic on an American:

"You think you've got it bad? They're already paying 12 bucks a gallon for gasoline in Gofishistan." This won't impress us, and you're likely to get this response: "Sure, but the Gofishistanians have free health care, and their 100 mpg cars are made of re-tooled cuckoo clock parts."

It does us no good to compare miseries. Not today, not anymore, and we come by this honestly. Remember the riveting line from our childhood dinner tables: "There are children starving in the world who'd give anything for those lima beans," mother would say, leveling her fork in our general direction.

Our response? (Say it in unison, now): "They can have mine, mom." We find ourselves now paying for those sacrifices, however, as Gofishistan is today the world's chief exporter of lima beans. This is the mad foundation of inverse geopolitical economics, and why I still have a fear of oncoming forks.

By now, we're all reading articles on how we can increase our gas mileage and spend less money at the pump. When I apply all the helpful hints one such column offers, I find that I do indeed get the best bang for my gasoline buck by sitting in my truck with the windows closed, no payload, the engine off and my tires properly inflated.

This works great. I'm saving a bundle on fuel, but I'm stuck at the bottom of the hill, and it's getting dark.

Let's try using these and other gas-saving tips non-inclusively, and see if we can't better commute to where we aren't going. We'll get to those, soon as we:

PAY BEFORE PUMPING: More and more filling stations are adopting this transaction to prevent the hit 'n run thievery now necessarily on the rise. This results in our standing in line with other pre-pumping payers and overpaying, because we're not sure of the total beforehand. If we don't overpay, we have to go back in to pre-pay again before we can top-off what one well-known Chief-Of-State called our "misunderestimation."

Before we're done, this could mean that we must go through the check-out line three times as a post-pumped payer (or is that as a post-paid pumper?) to get our change, and each time getting stuck in line behind the multiple sweepstakes ticket buyers and the guy who puts a bag of Cheese Doodles on his credit card.

All that just to sit more efficiently at the bottom of the hill.

USE REGULAR GAS: Most experts agree: "Unless your vehicle pings and knocks, or your owner's manual says differently, use regular gas." No good.

The hard seasons and road conditions in this neck of the woods keep our cars in a constant state of noise. I'd daresay that we are the champion ping-knockers of the universe, regardless of octane.

And, the only time any of us look in the owner's manual is when we need information on how to disarm that perpetual dashboard warning light, only to discover that our manual was written in seven languages for every model car except the one we bought.

DRIVE FASTER SLOWER: No, not the world's best oxymoron (we'll save that designation for "Congressional Ethics Committee"). Driving faster slower means, e.g., that we reduce our highway cruising speed from 65 mph to 55 mph.

I tried this, keeping my speed to an even 55 mph by using the boondocker's cruise control (my right foot). Result? The rubberneckers on the interstate blew by me like I was going the other way, and I almost became the first documented source of several ten-car pile-ups in this area that didn't involve a moose.

CONSOLIDATE OUR TRIPS: This sounds sensible, but danger lurks within. Careful, guys. Don't tell your girlfriends that you stopped by because you were in the neighborhood running all your errands.

If you make her feel like she rates right up there with the same passions you devote to renewing your dog's license, restocking your Cheese Doodles, dropping off your buddy's lawnmower parts and picking up pool filters, not necessarily in that order, you'll have one less errand to run, alright.

Always tell her that you made a special trip to see her, even if it means coasting uphill in the dark.

LIGHTEN OUR LOADS: This is a tough one. Most of us use our vehicles as combination mobile versions of utility closets and trash compactor catch-alls. I don't even know what's on the floor of my overstuffed back seat, but you can bet I'd need it the day after I disposed of it.

Experts also tell us to "pack lightly for a long trip." This is further proof of why we get into trouble listening to experts. I'm not GOING on any long trips, remember? Not unless I'm consolidating visits to a dozen relatives scattered along the eastern seaboard on my way to Disney World sans luggage.

PERFORM REGULAR MAINTENANCE: Yes, oil & filter changes, tune-ups, and "periodic wheel alignments" should be done regularly. Here, we're fortunate to have automatic periodic wheel alignments. They're called "frost heaves."

AVOID LONG IDLES: We're all agreed on this one: If we're now sitting in our cars idling for longer than one minute, we should shut them off. I can't explain why, but this makes me feel like there's some kid in the world today who won't be deprived of lima beans.

Syndicated humor columnist is still eating and getting gas somewhere around Bethlehem, NH. He can be reached via his website at: elwinshumor.com. Copyright 2008 B. Elwin Sherman. Used here with permission.