Fulfilled Path
Gardenia Ramos-Banos
March 05, 2006
For eight years now since I left my job in favor of my growing family, one thought ( or shall I say doubt? ) never left my mind. Did I choose the right path? And as Grandmother Willow in the cartoon movie tells Pocahontas to "listen with your heart", I did my own soul-searching today to really know if I indeed found the right path.
Almost everyday of my life, I’m left alone in the house. I watch as the whole neighborhood becomes empty: the kids off to school, the fathers off to work, and the mothers-except perhaps, for me- also off to work. Sometimes, I really worry about being left behind. For I have become a member of a vanishing species: the HOUSEWIFE. While women all around me are going public with their work, I chose to live as my mother lived; toiling in and around the home all day...every single day. My friends keep asking how I managed to survive a life which for them is unbearable. Because these days, wives prefer to work in an office or somewhere, and dreaded chores like cooking, cleaning, washing and baby-sitting are left to the house helpers. Housewives like me are considered old-fashioned, ordinary beings facing extinction.
Giving up my job to become a housewife was a great struggle. I worried about my personal growth, my social life and financial status. I worried about not making a contribution to the world, about not having my capabilities recognized, and most of all, I worried about not earning my own paycheck. I fancied there was a big potential in having my own paycheck: .that it fortifies beyond argument a wife's claim for equal status in marriage; that it is the one thing that levels the balance; and that, because of my paycheck, I could even go it alone if the situation requires. In short, I had second thoughts.
And then, a thought occurred to me : what was it then that sustained my mother? She had ten children in all, we were not rich, we had a lot of problems...but we were happy as a family. How did she manage to survive? I just had to find out.
So I dived and turned myself in, like a reluctant rider about to enter the dark, scary Horror House. Goodbye freedom, goodbye exposure, goodbye achievement, goodbye paycheck...were my eight last words. I never knew then what a whole different world was waiting for me. One that I would never trade with any status or paycheck in the world. Up to this minute as I write, I've stayed as a full-pledged housewife with no regrets whatsoever. And here are some of the many reasons why:
I WANT TO GIVE MY BEST TO MY FAMILY. And what is " my best " ?
My best means my full time and attention. Just to be there for them, every single breathing moment of their lives. When my first baby was about 3-4 months old, it was really hard for me each morning to leave home for work. My baby would always cry, his eyes seemed to ask me : why are you leaving me to a stranger? Oftentimes, I would just hurry off so no one would see a silly tear or two on my cheek.
Why do we leave our kids to strangers? To give our best to our employers, not knowing what could be happening in our homes? Maybe the baby fell from his duyan, or was simply feeling bad because of colic- but you were not there to comfort him. The hand that rocks the cradle they say, is the hand that rules the world. I had a friend who got so broken-hearted when her daughter instinctively cried and ran to the yaya instead when there was a brown-out. She felt so hurt and angry inside. So who's to blame? If we want our children to be close to us, we must not leave their care and nurture to strangers. Or we'll slowly, unknowingly lose them.
I FEEL A SENSE OF FREEDOM AND STRENGTH FROM MY POSITION AS A
HOMEMAKER. In choosing to stay at home, I am free to plan my day. I could work AS and WHEN I choose to. No deadlines to beat, no supervisors demanding for a report, no employers to impose a dress code. When it is raining, I could always put off the grocery trip and work on my cross-stitch instead. With the kids still at school, I can always snatch some few minutes to watch the sun go down at dusk. If I need to go out, who cares if I just put on my worn-out jeans and faded shirt? A housewife can dress whatever she feels comfortable at. And that, I think, is true liberalization. Being a housewife too, has made me a stronger person. Arranging my husband's comforts, taking care of the kids and managing a home personally was not an easy task. There were new things to learn everyday, new adventures (and misadventures!) to face. There were even times when I was tempted to go back to work. An office job is certainly easier and lighter compared to pressures at home. My only comfort is that this time, I'm doing it for my family, not for an employer.
THE BOND WITHIN MY FAMILY WAS STRENGTHENED. When I gave up my job, I became one of my husband's dependents. I stayed at home, while he earned for all of us a modest but dependable income. Unlike other couples who try to duplicate each other's position in all but sex, we both feel dependence on each other was desirable. We keep our individuality by assuming different roles; clean-cut, well-defined responsibilities in which each was needed and on which neither intruded. The kids were never confused about whom to ask for money and whom to ask for lunch. Of course, there were things now we had to give up: things my additional income could have brought. But I learned to use my ingenuity by producing "substitutes"; like home-cooked meals instead of eating out, books and fun songs instead of family computers, personally stitched designs instead of expensive gifts. I could go on and on
about thousand and one ways to make frugality festive, but the one thing that really matters in the end is my husband's open pleasure and approval. It is worth hundred times more than any Plaque of Appreciation an employer could reward me. Whatever tedium or fatigue I might have suffered during the day are consumed by the warmth and sincerity of his praises.
I KNOW I'M NEEDED FOR WHAT I AM AND NOT FOR WHAT I HAVE. There
is no question about what role I play: I am MOTHER. Indeed, all I need to do is close myself away sick- and they, Father included , all feel at a loss. For I am what is right with their world- and I am needed every conscious moment of their lives. I know and accepted it...not as a burden but as recognition of my worth. I have three sons-ages 10,9 & 5-and young as they are, they already know how to make me feel special. In their English Quarterly Exam was the question: Who is the most important person in your life and why?
My first son wrote: " My mother, because she....etc..etc.." And my heart melted. Somehow, I can already tell what made my mother endure everything. It's those little things. Like a hand-made card with " You are the best mother "written on them...a hearty hug and kiss after a delectable meal...a bunch of flowers picked from the park they passed...a bar of my favorite chocolate my husband gave just because...And beat this: my youngest son told me: " Mama, when I am big enough, I want to marry you!"
Surely, I have the best of all worlds. If I were working now outside my home, I might not be able to sit and gaze at the sunset or take the time to blend a spaghetti sauce my family loves. I might not be there to welcome my husband home with a kiss after a long day. I might not be able to enjoy the things I like doing, and things which are important to my family - good cooking, clean clothes, books and music, solitude, and LOVE.
Even now as I write, I know this way of life is fragile and will one day pass from this world. My thoughts and values may become like my neighbors; I may go out and get a job someday; make a different kind of contribution to the world; have my capabilities recognized; and bring home a paycheck for all to see. But for now, I still view that paycheck as an inadequate trade for the sights and sounds and tastes of home. Although it could give me independence and achievement, it would also take away the time to work for my family in a personal way.
After all, home is where the heart is...where the marriage, the children. the bed and the table wait. It is where the husband can come cheerfully and say " Hi, Honey - I’m home! ". I like being the one waiting inside. For now I know and am sure...there's nowhere in the world that I would rather be.
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Almost everyday of my life, I’m left alone in the house. I watch as the whole neighborhood becomes empty: the kids off to school, the fathers off to work, and the mothers-except perhaps, for me- also off to work. Sometimes, I really worry about being left behind. For I have become a member of a vanishing species: the HOUSEWIFE. While women all around me are going public with their work, I chose to live as my mother lived; toiling in and around the home all day...every single day. My friends keep asking how I managed to survive a life which for them is unbearable. Because these days, wives prefer to work in an office or somewhere, and dreaded chores like cooking, cleaning, washing and baby-sitting are left to the house helpers. Housewives like me are considered old-fashioned, ordinary beings facing extinction.
Giving up my job to become a housewife was a great struggle. I worried about my personal growth, my social life and financial status. I worried about not making a contribution to the world, about not having my capabilities recognized, and most of all, I worried about not earning my own paycheck. I fancied there was a big potential in having my own paycheck: .that it fortifies beyond argument a wife's claim for equal status in marriage; that it is the one thing that levels the balance; and that, because of my paycheck, I could even go it alone if the situation requires. In short, I had second thoughts.
And then, a thought occurred to me : what was it then that sustained my mother? She had ten children in all, we were not rich, we had a lot of problems...but we were happy as a family. How did she manage to survive? I just had to find out.
So I dived and turned myself in, like a reluctant rider about to enter the dark, scary Horror House. Goodbye freedom, goodbye exposure, goodbye achievement, goodbye paycheck...were my eight last words. I never knew then what a whole different world was waiting for me. One that I would never trade with any status or paycheck in the world. Up to this minute as I write, I've stayed as a full-pledged housewife with no regrets whatsoever. And here are some of the many reasons why:
I WANT TO GIVE MY BEST TO MY FAMILY. And what is " my best " ?
My best means my full time and attention. Just to be there for them, every single breathing moment of their lives. When my first baby was about 3-4 months old, it was really hard for me each morning to leave home for work. My baby would always cry, his eyes seemed to ask me : why are you leaving me to a stranger? Oftentimes, I would just hurry off so no one would see a silly tear or two on my cheek.
Why do we leave our kids to strangers? To give our best to our employers, not knowing what could be happening in our homes? Maybe the baby fell from his duyan, or was simply feeling bad because of colic- but you were not there to comfort him. The hand that rocks the cradle they say, is the hand that rules the world. I had a friend who got so broken-hearted when her daughter instinctively cried and ran to the yaya instead when there was a brown-out. She felt so hurt and angry inside. So who's to blame? If we want our children to be close to us, we must not leave their care and nurture to strangers. Or we'll slowly, unknowingly lose them.
I FEEL A SENSE OF FREEDOM AND STRENGTH FROM MY POSITION AS A
HOMEMAKER. In choosing to stay at home, I am free to plan my day. I could work AS and WHEN I choose to. No deadlines to beat, no supervisors demanding for a report, no employers to impose a dress code. When it is raining, I could always put off the grocery trip and work on my cross-stitch instead. With the kids still at school, I can always snatch some few minutes to watch the sun go down at dusk. If I need to go out, who cares if I just put on my worn-out jeans and faded shirt? A housewife can dress whatever she feels comfortable at. And that, I think, is true liberalization. Being a housewife too, has made me a stronger person. Arranging my husband's comforts, taking care of the kids and managing a home personally was not an easy task. There were new things to learn everyday, new adventures (and misadventures!) to face. There were even times when I was tempted to go back to work. An office job is certainly easier and lighter compared to pressures at home. My only comfort is that this time, I'm doing it for my family, not for an employer.
THE BOND WITHIN MY FAMILY WAS STRENGTHENED. When I gave up my job, I became one of my husband's dependents. I stayed at home, while he earned for all of us a modest but dependable income. Unlike other couples who try to duplicate each other's position in all but sex, we both feel dependence on each other was desirable. We keep our individuality by assuming different roles; clean-cut, well-defined responsibilities in which each was needed and on which neither intruded. The kids were never confused about whom to ask for money and whom to ask for lunch. Of course, there were things now we had to give up: things my additional income could have brought. But I learned to use my ingenuity by producing "substitutes"; like home-cooked meals instead of eating out, books and fun songs instead of family computers, personally stitched designs instead of expensive gifts. I could go on and on
about thousand and one ways to make frugality festive, but the one thing that really matters in the end is my husband's open pleasure and approval. It is worth hundred times more than any Plaque of Appreciation an employer could reward me. Whatever tedium or fatigue I might have suffered during the day are consumed by the warmth and sincerity of his praises.
I KNOW I'M NEEDED FOR WHAT I AM AND NOT FOR WHAT I HAVE. There
is no question about what role I play: I am MOTHER. Indeed, all I need to do is close myself away sick- and they, Father included , all feel at a loss. For I am what is right with their world- and I am needed every conscious moment of their lives. I know and accepted it...not as a burden but as recognition of my worth. I have three sons-ages 10,9 & 5-and young as they are, they already know how to make me feel special. In their English Quarterly Exam was the question: Who is the most important person in your life and why?
My first son wrote: " My mother, because she....etc..etc.." And my heart melted. Somehow, I can already tell what made my mother endure everything. It's those little things. Like a hand-made card with " You are the best mother "written on them...a hearty hug and kiss after a delectable meal...a bunch of flowers picked from the park they passed...a bar of my favorite chocolate my husband gave just because...And beat this: my youngest son told me: " Mama, when I am big enough, I want to marry you!"
Surely, I have the best of all worlds. If I were working now outside my home, I might not be able to sit and gaze at the sunset or take the time to blend a spaghetti sauce my family loves. I might not be there to welcome my husband home with a kiss after a long day. I might not be able to enjoy the things I like doing, and things which are important to my family - good cooking, clean clothes, books and music, solitude, and LOVE.
Even now as I write, I know this way of life is fragile and will one day pass from this world. My thoughts and values may become like my neighbors; I may go out and get a job someday; make a different kind of contribution to the world; have my capabilities recognized; and bring home a paycheck for all to see. But for now, I still view that paycheck as an inadequate trade for the sights and sounds and tastes of home. Although it could give me independence and achievement, it would also take away the time to work for my family in a personal way.
After all, home is where the heart is...where the marriage, the children. the bed and the table wait. It is where the husband can come cheerfully and say " Hi, Honey - I’m home! ". I like being the one waiting inside. For now I know and am sure...there's nowhere in the world that I would rather be.
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