Re-Defining Love, Sex and Relationships: Polyamory
Allison Allen
June 18, 2008
Polyamory -- (from poly=multiple + amor=love) the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
There I was happily bopping around in my monogamous world, not giving much thought to the many varieties of sexual and relationship arrangements people have. When I thought about it at all, I knew of course that people have affairs, that some date and sleep with more than one person concurrently. I was even hip enough to know that further out, things like īswingingī existed, probably more than I realized.
But when a friend of mine informed me that she was in a polyamorous relationship, I was clueless. A poly whahh? Whatīs that?
Thus began my mind-stretching journey into the world of polyamory, or "polys," as those practicing it call themselves.
After all, Iīm the gal who canīt love more than one dog at a time, the one who finds managing one relationship plenty challenging, if not downright mystifying, at times. Do you mean there are folks out there who actually want more than one lover in their life at the same time?
Ooph, sounded very complicated.
Redefining Relationships in Mid-Life
However, in talking with midlife women, I realize the extent to which we are redefining relationships to suit our needs, from the traditional to the not-so-traditional. In the western world at least, marriage and relationships based on economic necessity are on the wane. Much more so than in the past, women are, or can choose to be, financially independent. So, more and more we focus on finding partnerships that meet our emotional needs.
And that opens a can of worms.
Middle-aged couples marrying but keeping their separate houses. Middle-aged couples together for years, but not bothering to get married. Maybe they live together, maybe they donīt. Middle-aged women married for many years, divorced and coming out of the closet as lesbians. Middle-aged women having "friends with benefits," that is to say, regular sex with men they arenīt romantically involved in. Middle-aged women in polyamorous relationships.
Oh, yes, gentle readers, it is true. These are all scenarios that are out there if you look around you.
Polyamorists, or polys, are not to be found on every corner, to be sure—it is a challenging concept for most monogamously minded folks. But, in a recent womenīs group on relationships I attended, I was startled that 2 of the 8 women there were either in or considering such an arrangement.
The first thing to remember is not to confuse polyamory with "swinging." For swingers, itīs all about enjoying recreational sex with many people. For polys, sex is certainly an important piece of it, but itīs overwhelmingly about the relationship, about being able to love, emotionally and physically, more than one person at the same time.
All this may sound a little shocking if you didnīt realize before that there are people who engage in this behavior as a lifestyle. But as you will see, in some sense, the poly lifestyle represents an effort to be open and honest about behavior that humans already engage in clandestinely.
So, hang with me.
The Poly Way
My 50-something friend, "Dede," and her boyfriend "Sam," graciously talked with me about their experience. Dede had only been in monogamous relationships before, although she is a fairly adventurous midlifer when it comes to dating and relationships. But, she found Sam so loving, so interesting, and possessing so much of what she had been searching for that she, with some reservations, decided to give it a try.
"[With Sam] I feel so loved and appreciated," she says. "I wonīt say it isnīt challenging for me on a number of levels, but when we are together, it is so much better than my marriage, or other relationships Iīve had, that I feel I have to give it a try." "Dede" realizes that she is she is opening herself up to possible heartache, but "it is so hard to find a great man out there, that Iīd rather have a great one half the time than a mediocre one 24/7."
"Sam" has been married to the same woman for 20+ years. Theirs was an open marriage from the very beginning. In fact, "Sam" says, "My wife and I have found that our marriage is much more vital when we are both in other relationships. Far from draining the energy, it adds to it." My monogamous mind scans the number of marriages it has observed that seem in need of some pretty serious re-invigorating and finally (and a bit warily) I come to see how what Sam has experienced could be true.
You see, polys look at love as an abundant commodity instead of a scarce one. They ask why canīt you be intimate with more than one person? When pressed to explain why not, I find myself grasping a bit. Because monogamy is such a deeply conditioned belief in our society, I realize Iīve simply accepted it at face value until now.
Yes, I understand that no one person can fulfill all oneīs emotional, intellectual, and spiritual needs, but canīt one person love another without sleeping with them? Of course, the polys would say, but why couldnīt you sleep with them if you wanted to, and if your other partner(s) was fine with it?.
Weeelll .itīs about that time that my brain circuits blow out and I have to take a break.
The Statistics on Monogamy
I decide to turn to the comfort of statistics. Cold comfort, Iīm afraid.
The "experts" always begin with some variation of "itīs tough to know exactly how many people have affairs outside their marriage given the inherent reluctance for people to admit such a secret," but their best guess is anywhere from about 14 to 40% of women and 24 to 60% of men will have an extramarital affair some time during their marriage. If you figure somewhere in the middle is probably about right, thatīs a lot of people stepping outside their marriage vows for a relationship with someone else.
Or, consider that 2 of 3 women and 3 of 4 men admit having sexual thoughts about co-workers. Or that 86% of men and 81% of women admit to flirting with the opposite sex.
Well then.
It doesnīt take a rocket scientist to figure out that the statistics say that many avowedly "monogamous" people arenīt, or at least frequently entertain thoughts that it would be nice if they werenīt. It would seem that polys simply surface the feelings and conflicts that occur quite frequently among the rest of us, and make it possible to include these others openly in their intimate life.
How Do They Do It?
Bob McGarey, Executive Director of The Human Potential Center in Austin, Texas, is a therapist who works with many polys and is, in fact, a poly himself. Although the HPC has the much broader mission of serving anyone wanting to explore personal growth and development, it also serves as a kind of touchpoint for the poly community.
Bob explains the philosophical belief of polys: itīs possible to love, be in relationship, and have sex with multiple people. He asks, "Why is it that so many people think the only way to have a satisfying relationship is to limit it to one person? Exclusivity is not equal to commitment to a relationship."
Polys believe this lifestyle allows you to maintain a relationship with those you care about even if the relationship shifts, changes, or ends. Just because you and a romantic partner break up and you take up with someone else, it doesnīt mean you have to give that person up as it might if you were in a monogamous relationship. As most of us have experienced at one time or other, once you enter a new intimate relationship, the new partner is frequently not open to you maintaining a friendship with the old significant other.
Several polys I spoke with emphasized this and mentioned examples of relationships in their own lives that had undergone several transitions over a period years. They valued and kept the relationships even as they changed forms.
What about that green-eyed monster, Jealousy? How is it possible that one could be nonchalant about their partner being in love—excited about being in love—and sleeping with someone else? We all know how silly one can get when in the first flush of falling in love. It would be easy to feel left out. Or, feel that our sexual abilities were somehow being compared and found wanting. Do polys ever feel insecure or threatened?
"Of course they do," Bob says, "They are only human." But, he points out, the first rule of successful poly relationships is Communicate. And the second, and the third rule. In fact, Bob says there is a joke among polys that they are so busy communicating that they have no time for sex. Of course, any Relationship 101 class would tell you communication is the first rule of any relationship.
"Wise polys use their jealousy and insecurity as an opportunity to understand themselves better", he says. As all of us know, it is easy in any relationship to blame the other person for any problems that come up. Polys are more apt to talk about what it is that is triggering the insecurity within themselves and follow one of the other rules for poly relationships: negotiate and compromise to make all parties as happy as possible.
Polys have varying degrees of openness about what goes on with their partnersī other love interests. At one end, are "triads" where three people are closely involved in each otherīs lives. For some, the details of the otherīs relationships, add spice and interest. And Taylor, a poly for more than 20 years, even speaks of something called īcompersionī where one feels happy and delighted for their partnerīs new love. For other polys, it is apparently a more armsī length situation where they know and consent to their partner seeking other relationships but arenīt interested in hearing details about its ups and downs.
Many polys are reluctant to be involved with a person who has been monogamous all their life. It IS a difficult concept to put into practice if you are accustomed to thinking about an intimate partner as being The One, or filling all your important needs. And since polys are all about the relationship, a break up is just as painful as it would be to the rest of us. Itīs an added emotional risk for them to get involved with someone who isnīt already comfortable with idea of a poly lifestyle.
A Midlife Switch From Monogamy To Poly
Most of us would not have to look very far—perhaps no further than our own house to find couples who have been married a long time and whose relationship is stale. Or, what about the scenario of being in a long-time marriage, finding yourself attracted to someone else, and "being good"? The deadening feelings of resentment and resistance that situation can create is not conducive to a vigorous, strong marriage.
Lauren, a 46-year-old who has been married almost 11 years, tells her story of how opening up her marriage has re-invigorated it. Lauren says, "I am definitely at that point in my life where I'm comfortable doing what works for us rather than what might fit into conventional rules." She tells an all-too-familiar story of a marriage that had become tired and unsatisfying. Before they married, she and her husband had discussed the idea of an open marriage if they ever reached a point where needs were going unmet.
They had children and, while not happy with each other, they did not want to throw in the towel since they knew it would be very difficult for the family. But "we weren't sharing things that were emotionally intimate, our hopes, our dreams, our views on the universe," admits Lauren.
"We got that back when we were able to talk to each other openly about what it was each of us was missing, and what we'd like to find in another partner. We also reaffirmed our commitment to each other and our desire to stay together because we had rediscovered that we really are each other's best friend and life partner."
One of Bobīs caveats was that poly is not a "fix it" solution for a bad marriage. To introduce poly, a marriage needs to be on a firm foundation. Lauren and her husband seem to have followed that advice and carefully gone about setting the stage for this evolution in their partnership. They spoke with a doctor about STDs, since after 12 years of monogamy they found that possibility frightening. And they slowly began connecting with their local poly community.
Lauren is in the beginning stages of "dating" several men but has yet to explore the physical side of that. "After 12 years of monogamy, the relationship is far more important to me than hopping into bed with someone new." She expects to ultimately be in relationship with one or two men besides her husband.
Lauren also muses, "The thing I've found is that poly is a completely different game than looking for a mate. I've already got one of those. I can be so much more relaxed about a potential partner that I can focus on and appreciate what's special about him, without needing him to satisfy a whole host of other criteria I would be using if I were looking for a īone and only.ī"
The attention she is receiving is wonderful, flattering, and has breathed new life into her and into her marriage. "Poly allows me to have my cake and eat it too -- have wonderful, fulfilling relationships, and keep my family together and happy as well."
More than one poly told me that having relationships with others took a lot of pressure off themselves and their partners to be all things to each other. The energy that usually accompanies a new relationship can actually inject energy into the old one.
For middle-aged singles, the difficulties of finding that special person are well-known. Will, another poly with whom I spoke, echoed DeDeīs sentiments: "Sharing a great man beats the hell out of "settling" for weak ones. Likewise, many men don't realize that living with goddesses is a gift!"
The Downside
That said, itīs easy to see that this lifestyle presents many challenges. One that is top of mind is the question of STDs. As the adage says, you have sex with everyone your partner has had sex with. The more partners you have, the greater the risk for contracting an STD. In that sense, perhaps the risk is greater among polys than monogamists.
Polys would argue that if monogamists were honest about the people they were sleeping with, that might make sense. However, weīve already seen the stats on that.
Given the fact that the very nature of poly is about communicating, one could presume that this might moderate the risk somewhat. However, the multiple partners implied with poly is a real risk. Given that condoms are not foolproof protection against herpes since it can be spread through even apparently uninfected skin in the groin area, even the most up front and honest communication cannot eliminate the risk that multiplies as you have more sexual partners.
Another challenge that cannot be understated is that sharing someone you are intimate with can extremely difficult. Polys are very aware of what they call NRE or, new relationship energy. In the first flush of a new relationship (and going forward), it takes great care and attention to make sure the "old" partnerīs needs arenīt ignored. And, that the new partner gets plenty of opportunities to enjoy their new love. Someone can easily feel left out or unsatisfied. There are only so many hours in the day and having to juggle several peopleīs busy schedules while respecting all those relationships can present a challenge.
Most of the polys I spoke with either knew early on in their lives that they were open to this lifestyle whether they actually engaged in it at that time or not. Technology has made it much easier to find like minded people if you have a ībentī to the poly lifestyle. If you have been monogamous, and the thought had never crossed your mind that you wished you could choose between Tom Cruise AND Brad Pitt depending on your mood, it would take a very open mind indeed to successfully transition to a poly mindset.
And, it seems obvious that one needs very strong relationship skills to manage a poly lifestyle successfully. If communication and honesty are not top priorities in your relationships, poly probably isnīt for you.
According to Polyamorous Percolations, a web community for polys, these five things are necessary to make this lifestyle work:
It Obviously Isnīt For Everyone
This article isnīt intended to suggest that this lifestyle is for everyone. In fact, it is probably for very few people. And it is worth saying again that it is not a tool for fixing a bad marriage. But I found that for some people, they had īsecretlyī thought about this before but didnīt think it was īOKī. Or, they didnīt realize that there are other people who do make this a lifestyle.
From initially shaking up my conception of relationships, exploring this lifestyle has brought a new realization of just how fluid the boundaries of our intimate relationships are. There is the matter of those pesky statistics on how many people step outside their commitment to a monogamous relationship. Not to mention that in some European societies, it has long been accepted that a man may have a mistress and a wife within certain proscribed roles. While a patriarchal and more rigidly defined approach, itīs another example of how in our supposedly monogamously minded Western society, the bounds of monogamy are fuzzy.
For me, the key really is that poly simply brings into the open behavior that happens in one way or other on a fairly frequent basis among us humans. No, it emphatically is not for everyone. But, for those of us in midlife who find the traditional ītwo people meet, fall in love, and get marriedī scenario too confining or simply outdated when it comes to our intimate relationships, learning more about the poly lifestyle may, at the very least, stretch our minds to see that there are other possibilities for arranging our love lives.
There I was happily bopping around in my monogamous world, not giving much thought to the many varieties of sexual and relationship arrangements people have. When I thought about it at all, I knew of course that people have affairs, that some date and sleep with more than one person concurrently. I was even hip enough to know that further out, things like īswingingī existed, probably more than I realized.
But when a friend of mine informed me that she was in a polyamorous relationship, I was clueless. A poly whahh? Whatīs that?
Thus began my mind-stretching journey into the world of polyamory, or "polys," as those practicing it call themselves.
After all, Iīm the gal who canīt love more than one dog at a time, the one who finds managing one relationship plenty challenging, if not downright mystifying, at times. Do you mean there are folks out there who actually want more than one lover in their life at the same time?
Ooph, sounded very complicated.
Redefining Relationships in Mid-Life
However, in talking with midlife women, I realize the extent to which we are redefining relationships to suit our needs, from the traditional to the not-so-traditional. In the western world at least, marriage and relationships based on economic necessity are on the wane. Much more so than in the past, women are, or can choose to be, financially independent. So, more and more we focus on finding partnerships that meet our emotional needs.
And that opens a can of worms.
Middle-aged couples marrying but keeping their separate houses. Middle-aged couples together for years, but not bothering to get married. Maybe they live together, maybe they donīt. Middle-aged women married for many years, divorced and coming out of the closet as lesbians. Middle-aged women having "friends with benefits," that is to say, regular sex with men they arenīt romantically involved in. Middle-aged women in polyamorous relationships.
Oh, yes, gentle readers, it is true. These are all scenarios that are out there if you look around you.
Polyamorists, or polys, are not to be found on every corner, to be sure—it is a challenging concept for most monogamously minded folks. But, in a recent womenīs group on relationships I attended, I was startled that 2 of the 8 women there were either in or considering such an arrangement.
The first thing to remember is not to confuse polyamory with "swinging." For swingers, itīs all about enjoying recreational sex with many people. For polys, sex is certainly an important piece of it, but itīs overwhelmingly about the relationship, about being able to love, emotionally and physically, more than one person at the same time.
All this may sound a little shocking if you didnīt realize before that there are people who engage in this behavior as a lifestyle. But as you will see, in some sense, the poly lifestyle represents an effort to be open and honest about behavior that humans already engage in clandestinely.
So, hang with me.
The Poly Way
My 50-something friend, "Dede," and her boyfriend "Sam," graciously talked with me about their experience. Dede had only been in monogamous relationships before, although she is a fairly adventurous midlifer when it comes to dating and relationships. But, she found Sam so loving, so interesting, and possessing so much of what she had been searching for that she, with some reservations, decided to give it a try.
"[With Sam] I feel so loved and appreciated," she says. "I wonīt say it isnīt challenging for me on a number of levels, but when we are together, it is so much better than my marriage, or other relationships Iīve had, that I feel I have to give it a try." "Dede" realizes that she is she is opening herself up to possible heartache, but "it is so hard to find a great man out there, that Iīd rather have a great one half the time than a mediocre one 24/7."
"Sam" has been married to the same woman for 20+ years. Theirs was an open marriage from the very beginning. In fact, "Sam" says, "My wife and I have found that our marriage is much more vital when we are both in other relationships. Far from draining the energy, it adds to it." My monogamous mind scans the number of marriages it has observed that seem in need of some pretty serious re-invigorating and finally (and a bit warily) I come to see how what Sam has experienced could be true.
You see, polys look at love as an abundant commodity instead of a scarce one. They ask why canīt you be intimate with more than one person? When pressed to explain why not, I find myself grasping a bit. Because monogamy is such a deeply conditioned belief in our society, I realize Iīve simply accepted it at face value until now.
Yes, I understand that no one person can fulfill all oneīs emotional, intellectual, and spiritual needs, but canīt one person love another without sleeping with them? Of course, the polys would say, but why couldnīt you sleep with them if you wanted to, and if your other partner(s) was fine with it?.
Weeelll .itīs about that time that my brain circuits blow out and I have to take a break.
The Statistics on Monogamy
I decide to turn to the comfort of statistics. Cold comfort, Iīm afraid.
The "experts" always begin with some variation of "itīs tough to know exactly how many people have affairs outside their marriage given the inherent reluctance for people to admit such a secret," but their best guess is anywhere from about 14 to 40% of women and 24 to 60% of men will have an extramarital affair some time during their marriage. If you figure somewhere in the middle is probably about right, thatīs a lot of people stepping outside their marriage vows for a relationship with someone else.
Or, consider that 2 of 3 women and 3 of 4 men admit having sexual thoughts about co-workers. Or that 86% of men and 81% of women admit to flirting with the opposite sex.
Well then.
It doesnīt take a rocket scientist to figure out that the statistics say that many avowedly "monogamous" people arenīt, or at least frequently entertain thoughts that it would be nice if they werenīt. It would seem that polys simply surface the feelings and conflicts that occur quite frequently among the rest of us, and make it possible to include these others openly in their intimate life.
How Do They Do It?
Bob McGarey, Executive Director of The Human Potential Center in Austin, Texas, is a therapist who works with many polys and is, in fact, a poly himself. Although the HPC has the much broader mission of serving anyone wanting to explore personal growth and development, it also serves as a kind of touchpoint for the poly community.
Bob explains the philosophical belief of polys: itīs possible to love, be in relationship, and have sex with multiple people. He asks, "Why is it that so many people think the only way to have a satisfying relationship is to limit it to one person? Exclusivity is not equal to commitment to a relationship."
Polys believe this lifestyle allows you to maintain a relationship with those you care about even if the relationship shifts, changes, or ends. Just because you and a romantic partner break up and you take up with someone else, it doesnīt mean you have to give that person up as it might if you were in a monogamous relationship. As most of us have experienced at one time or other, once you enter a new intimate relationship, the new partner is frequently not open to you maintaining a friendship with the old significant other.
Several polys I spoke with emphasized this and mentioned examples of relationships in their own lives that had undergone several transitions over a period years. They valued and kept the relationships even as they changed forms.
What about that green-eyed monster, Jealousy? How is it possible that one could be nonchalant about their partner being in love—excited about being in love—and sleeping with someone else? We all know how silly one can get when in the first flush of falling in love. It would be easy to feel left out. Or, feel that our sexual abilities were somehow being compared and found wanting. Do polys ever feel insecure or threatened?
"Of course they do," Bob says, "They are only human." But, he points out, the first rule of successful poly relationships is Communicate. And the second, and the third rule. In fact, Bob says there is a joke among polys that they are so busy communicating that they have no time for sex. Of course, any Relationship 101 class would tell you communication is the first rule of any relationship.
"Wise polys use their jealousy and insecurity as an opportunity to understand themselves better", he says. As all of us know, it is easy in any relationship to blame the other person for any problems that come up. Polys are more apt to talk about what it is that is triggering the insecurity within themselves and follow one of the other rules for poly relationships: negotiate and compromise to make all parties as happy as possible.
Polys have varying degrees of openness about what goes on with their partnersī other love interests. At one end, are "triads" where three people are closely involved in each otherīs lives. For some, the details of the otherīs relationships, add spice and interest. And Taylor, a poly for more than 20 years, even speaks of something called īcompersionī where one feels happy and delighted for their partnerīs new love. For other polys, it is apparently a more armsī length situation where they know and consent to their partner seeking other relationships but arenīt interested in hearing details about its ups and downs.
Many polys are reluctant to be involved with a person who has been monogamous all their life. It IS a difficult concept to put into practice if you are accustomed to thinking about an intimate partner as being The One, or filling all your important needs. And since polys are all about the relationship, a break up is just as painful as it would be to the rest of us. Itīs an added emotional risk for them to get involved with someone who isnīt already comfortable with idea of a poly lifestyle.
A Midlife Switch From Monogamy To Poly
Most of us would not have to look very far—perhaps no further than our own house to find couples who have been married a long time and whose relationship is stale. Or, what about the scenario of being in a long-time marriage, finding yourself attracted to someone else, and "being good"? The deadening feelings of resentment and resistance that situation can create is not conducive to a vigorous, strong marriage.
Lauren, a 46-year-old who has been married almost 11 years, tells her story of how opening up her marriage has re-invigorated it. Lauren says, "I am definitely at that point in my life where I'm comfortable doing what works for us rather than what might fit into conventional rules." She tells an all-too-familiar story of a marriage that had become tired and unsatisfying. Before they married, she and her husband had discussed the idea of an open marriage if they ever reached a point where needs were going unmet.
They had children and, while not happy with each other, they did not want to throw in the towel since they knew it would be very difficult for the family. But "we weren't sharing things that were emotionally intimate, our hopes, our dreams, our views on the universe," admits Lauren.
"We got that back when we were able to talk to each other openly about what it was each of us was missing, and what we'd like to find in another partner. We also reaffirmed our commitment to each other and our desire to stay together because we had rediscovered that we really are each other's best friend and life partner."
One of Bobīs caveats was that poly is not a "fix it" solution for a bad marriage. To introduce poly, a marriage needs to be on a firm foundation. Lauren and her husband seem to have followed that advice and carefully gone about setting the stage for this evolution in their partnership. They spoke with a doctor about STDs, since after 12 years of monogamy they found that possibility frightening. And they slowly began connecting with their local poly community.
Lauren is in the beginning stages of "dating" several men but has yet to explore the physical side of that. "After 12 years of monogamy, the relationship is far more important to me than hopping into bed with someone new." She expects to ultimately be in relationship with one or two men besides her husband.
Lauren also muses, "The thing I've found is that poly is a completely different game than looking for a mate. I've already got one of those. I can be so much more relaxed about a potential partner that I can focus on and appreciate what's special about him, without needing him to satisfy a whole host of other criteria I would be using if I were looking for a īone and only.ī"
The attention she is receiving is wonderful, flattering, and has breathed new life into her and into her marriage. "Poly allows me to have my cake and eat it too -- have wonderful, fulfilling relationships, and keep my family together and happy as well."
More than one poly told me that having relationships with others took a lot of pressure off themselves and their partners to be all things to each other. The energy that usually accompanies a new relationship can actually inject energy into the old one.
For middle-aged singles, the difficulties of finding that special person are well-known. Will, another poly with whom I spoke, echoed DeDeīs sentiments: "Sharing a great man beats the hell out of "settling" for weak ones. Likewise, many men don't realize that living with goddesses is a gift!"
The Downside
That said, itīs easy to see that this lifestyle presents many challenges. One that is top of mind is the question of STDs. As the adage says, you have sex with everyone your partner has had sex with. The more partners you have, the greater the risk for contracting an STD. In that sense, perhaps the risk is greater among polys than monogamists.
Polys would argue that if monogamists were honest about the people they were sleeping with, that might make sense. However, weīve already seen the stats on that.
Given the fact that the very nature of poly is about communicating, one could presume that this might moderate the risk somewhat. However, the multiple partners implied with poly is a real risk. Given that condoms are not foolproof protection against herpes since it can be spread through even apparently uninfected skin in the groin area, even the most up front and honest communication cannot eliminate the risk that multiplies as you have more sexual partners.
Another challenge that cannot be understated is that sharing someone you are intimate with can extremely difficult. Polys are very aware of what they call NRE or, new relationship energy. In the first flush of a new relationship (and going forward), it takes great care and attention to make sure the "old" partnerīs needs arenīt ignored. And, that the new partner gets plenty of opportunities to enjoy their new love. Someone can easily feel left out or unsatisfied. There are only so many hours in the day and having to juggle several peopleīs busy schedules while respecting all those relationships can present a challenge.
Most of the polys I spoke with either knew early on in their lives that they were open to this lifestyle whether they actually engaged in it at that time or not. Technology has made it much easier to find like minded people if you have a ībentī to the poly lifestyle. If you have been monogamous, and the thought had never crossed your mind that you wished you could choose between Tom Cruise AND Brad Pitt depending on your mood, it would take a very open mind indeed to successfully transition to a poly mindset.
And, it seems obvious that one needs very strong relationship skills to manage a poly lifestyle successfully. If communication and honesty are not top priorities in your relationships, poly probably isnīt for you.
According to Polyamorous Percolations, a web community for polys, these five things are necessary to make this lifestyle work:
- Tell the Truth
- Know Yourself
- Take Care of Yourself
- Take Responsibility
- Encourage Growth
It Obviously Isnīt For Everyone
This article isnīt intended to suggest that this lifestyle is for everyone. In fact, it is probably for very few people. And it is worth saying again that it is not a tool for fixing a bad marriage. But I found that for some people, they had īsecretlyī thought about this before but didnīt think it was īOKī. Or, they didnīt realize that there are other people who do make this a lifestyle.
From initially shaking up my conception of relationships, exploring this lifestyle has brought a new realization of just how fluid the boundaries of our intimate relationships are. There is the matter of those pesky statistics on how many people step outside their commitment to a monogamous relationship. Not to mention that in some European societies, it has long been accepted that a man may have a mistress and a wife within certain proscribed roles. While a patriarchal and more rigidly defined approach, itīs another example of how in our supposedly monogamously minded Western society, the bounds of monogamy are fuzzy.
For me, the key really is that poly simply brings into the open behavior that happens in one way or other on a fairly frequent basis among us humans. No, it emphatically is not for everyone. But, for those of us in midlife who find the traditional ītwo people meet, fall in love, and get marriedī scenario too confining or simply outdated when it comes to our intimate relationships, learning more about the poly lifestyle may, at the very least, stretch our minds to see that there are other possibilities for arranging our love lives.
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