Searching for the dream:Page 10
Bhumika Ghimire
March 02, 2006
Something to forget
Bulu, youngest of my aunt's two daughters, who stayed in Kathmandu while sister Nanu was sent to Biratnagar, has always been a rebel. She would not take anything quietly but then she never said anything when her brother was sent to a better school than hers or when she was not allowed to work outside home. She took all the quietly, as if accepting it as part for her fate, but then she would not accept some objected to her shopping expeditions or her make-up excesses. She had her own areas where no intrusion was allowed while in some she had no control.
We were best friends and shared my secrets. When she used to come to my house for a sleepover we used to talk till one or two at night, my mom had to come and tell us to stop and go to sleep and talk more tomorrow. She was always the practical and proper one, I was the principled one who wanted things as in the book, and she would look at things in more life like way. She used to advise me a lot on being a proper girl and to stop thinking like a boy. She tried to make me accept that being a girl I am bound to lose my freedom and my decision making. I never listened, still it was fun. I enjoyed aggravating her with my antics. The way she used to frown when she was mad still makes me smile.
After we finished college, which was at the same time, I started to work at this Internet Company, she stayed at home. My uncle would not allow her to work, so she started taking computer classes knowing fully that she will never use the skills. I used to tell her the work place stories in the weekends when we used to meet. She used to enjoy them immensely; sometimes I felt that she does miss not going to work or having a life outside home or out family circle. Still she never told me that openly, she never accepted her feelings, always hide them. After I came to US, she joined masters in business and after 3 months she got married; now she is expecting a child. We lost touch after my move, although I miss her I never tried to get in touch. I don't know why but I got a feeling that seeing myself in a position where I sort of control my life she might feel a sense of loss of not having the same control over her life. Also after she got married, I felt a kind of loss, now she is no longer my playmate or my sister, she has left our family and belongs to some one else. So I just let things fizzle out. Now all we have is the memories, good and bad times.
In past for a while I was real bad to them, whenever they used to come to my place asking my mom for some help I hated them. I looked at them as an unwanted burden and my mom helping them as they were taking advantage of my mom. I never once felt the whole thing as a family helping a family. I don't know why I thought like that; maybe I failed to understand that human relations are above all the material and worldly things. In the middle of all this I was still very close to Bulu and my aunt. I guess I was very good at hiding my feelings then.
Now those we so far apart I regret feeling that way. The distance now has added to the feeling of remorse because now I cannot just hope in a bus and goes their house and say sorry. I have to wait my next meeting with them which may be years away. Till then I have to live with this feeling of being wrong to them, wrong to people so loved me so much and who are so dear to me. It is not easy, I wish I had taken a little time while I was in Nepal to think about my past and realized all the wrongs that I had done. I could come to America without baggage.
(fictional account, any resemblance to a person is coincidence)
continued...
Bulu, youngest of my aunt's two daughters, who stayed in Kathmandu while sister Nanu was sent to Biratnagar, has always been a rebel. She would not take anything quietly but then she never said anything when her brother was sent to a better school than hers or when she was not allowed to work outside home. She took all the quietly, as if accepting it as part for her fate, but then she would not accept some objected to her shopping expeditions or her make-up excesses. She had her own areas where no intrusion was allowed while in some she had no control.
We were best friends and shared my secrets. When she used to come to my house for a sleepover we used to talk till one or two at night, my mom had to come and tell us to stop and go to sleep and talk more tomorrow. She was always the practical and proper one, I was the principled one who wanted things as in the book, and she would look at things in more life like way. She used to advise me a lot on being a proper girl and to stop thinking like a boy. She tried to make me accept that being a girl I am bound to lose my freedom and my decision making. I never listened, still it was fun. I enjoyed aggravating her with my antics. The way she used to frown when she was mad still makes me smile.
After we finished college, which was at the same time, I started to work at this Internet Company, she stayed at home. My uncle would not allow her to work, so she started taking computer classes knowing fully that she will never use the skills. I used to tell her the work place stories in the weekends when we used to meet. She used to enjoy them immensely; sometimes I felt that she does miss not going to work or having a life outside home or out family circle. Still she never told me that openly, she never accepted her feelings, always hide them. After I came to US, she joined masters in business and after 3 months she got married; now she is expecting a child. We lost touch after my move, although I miss her I never tried to get in touch. I don't know why but I got a feeling that seeing myself in a position where I sort of control my life she might feel a sense of loss of not having the same control over her life. Also after she got married, I felt a kind of loss, now she is no longer my playmate or my sister, she has left our family and belongs to some one else. So I just let things fizzle out. Now all we have is the memories, good and bad times.
In past for a while I was real bad to them, whenever they used to come to my place asking my mom for some help I hated them. I looked at them as an unwanted burden and my mom helping them as they were taking advantage of my mom. I never once felt the whole thing as a family helping a family. I don't know why I thought like that; maybe I failed to understand that human relations are above all the material and worldly things. In the middle of all this I was still very close to Bulu and my aunt. I guess I was very good at hiding my feelings then.
Now those we so far apart I regret feeling that way. The distance now has added to the feeling of remorse because now I cannot just hope in a bus and goes their house and say sorry. I have to wait my next meeting with them which may be years away. Till then I have to live with this feeling of being wrong to them, wrong to people so loved me so much and who are so dear to me. It is not easy, I wish I had taken a little time while I was in Nepal to think about my past and realized all the wrongs that I had done. I could come to America without baggage.
(fictional account, any resemblance to a person is coincidence)
continued...
Print
Email
