Searching for the dream:Page 7
Bhumika Ghimire
March 02, 2006
Breaking Up
After completing my masters I have been trying to break up my old lifestyle and start a new one.Old habit like thinking too much about future and not living for the moment, and also taking myself too seriously.I have always pressured myself to achieve, to do something great, big not realizing my true abilities and shortcomings. For example, I signed up for undergrad in Computer Science, but then forgot that I have no mathmatical ability or analytical ability. It is funny though how I managed to score very well in exams and get the degree with honours.But getting good marks and scoring a job are totally different, I have realized that now.
As a student I went through those four years as if I had to pass, I had to get good marks to survive.So I put everyhthting into my studies, forgot about social life, fun and festivals.I was so engrossed into my studies that I had let go of all my hobbies and interests. After I got my degree I was confident that with my grades I will score a great job, but that didn't happen. I didn't have the aptitude to be a good programmer or a systems analyst.When presented with any programming problem my mind just went blank..I didn't have any ideas.I was thrown out of many interviews, finally I found a job with a Internet Service provider.I was hired as a sales person, to sell their broadband services.So after 4 years of training to become a programmer, I start working as a sales person.Not bad I though ,atleast I finally got to set foot into the industry gates.
For six months I workd hard in my job, scored many big clients, big contracts and licenses. In the process I found out that I actually enjoyed meeting people, haggling with them over price, negotiating and yes pressuring them. I realized that if I am a programmer I will not be doing this, and that thought made me sad. At last my subconscious had agreed that I am not the technical material, and regular business job like sales, marketing are the ones that are for me.
I felt kind of liberated, now I don't have to push myself to be this great tech wizard, I don't have to struggle to achieve those high lofty goals. Accepting my strengths and working according to them made things easier. I was not trying to be what I am not, I am just being myself.It is lot easier to be who you are than to keep up the appreances.I was getting a feeling that finally I have arrived, I have found myself, I am free to be who I am.
If only life confirmed to what we wished, this world would be heaven.After all everyone wishes for good things, there no one who wishes for wars rt hunger or death.My life too, did not confirm to my wishes. It made a turn toward a place where I never wanted to be,a place which I thought I had already passed in my journey to realize myself.A year after graduating and six moths afterbeing liberated I found myself struggling to get those to loftly dreams. I found myself forgetting my"self" and running after my projected self once again.I was on my way to America, to become next Bill Gates.
The decision to come to America was not an overnight one. I had always harbored a desire to come to America since I was in 8 grade. That was the time I had just joined school's basketball team and watching NBA games was like taking part in a prayer service. Jordan, Jabbar were like God to us, we wished to copy all of their moves, the jump shots, the rebounds and leaps, all of them. Lakers were our favorite; all of us had a dream of getting to LA to see these guys for real. For next three years LA was the only place in America that I wanted to see. I had no interest in New York or Washington or Chicago or any other city. After 10 grade, the way I viewed America changed. It was no longer the land of Lakers or home of Jordan. I gave up my dream of playing in WNBA, which now seems more like a fantasy to me. Anyway, with the dream of professional basketball gone, I had started to focus more on becoming a scientist and winning a Nobel Prize. Since almost all of the Nobel winners are in American universities, I now started viewing America as my destination for a University education and a great discovery.
The grades I got in 10 grade finals did not show a promising young scientist. I was finding it hard to get admission in colleges in Kathmandu, so getting into an American university just did not seem possible. I accepted defeat and moved to India so that I could study science in 11 and 12 grade. While in India, I kept the dream of going to America alive and wrote to different Universities about degrees they offered and cost and yes, if I could get a scholarship. Every time I got reply from them, I could see the dream slipping further away. The costs were sky high and my grades did not match their requirements. I took it as yet another set back, and started looking at other options I had to achieve my goal.
A day after I had heard about Chartered Accountants and how much prestige they have I started looking for more information about being a chartered accountant. I had no interest in accounting and was no number crunching genius, still the way people talked about Chartered Accountants and how hard it is to be one, and yes back then there was no training provided in Nepal to become one, all added up to a creeping feeling inside me that I might try to become one.
I told my parents about this in a letter, yes I used to write long letters to them back then. There was no internet in my school and calling them was too expensive. I think writing is better way to express yourself, you have the time and space to explain everything in detail and you don’t have to worry about being distracted by the person’s reaction because they are not in front you. Letter writing meant clear and detailed communication to me. Although I do not do that now, I just write a two line email to my mom every day. I guess not communicating in detail has taken us apart more than the physical distance between us. Anyway, getting back to the point here, my parents reacted quite surprised over my thoughts of becoming a Chartered Accountant. They had thought that I would become a doctor or engineer, infact they had arranged for me to appear in the qualifying exams for engineering and medical studies, as soon as I finish 12 grade.
I knew that my mom always wanted me to become a doctor; she used to tell me that she wanted to become a doctor. But then in her times girls were not supposed to be one, it was a kind of odd thing in her family that she got a university degree, none of her sisters have and only one of her brother has. Daughters were supposed to get married as soon as possible so that parents will get to heaven after they die or before they die. Getting rid of a responsibility of raising a daughter and spending money on her were considered heavenly at that time, and even now. Still my grandfather allowed her to study as much as she wanted and as much as he could afford. She was a hard working student but not the genius type. She did get a degree in Psychology and a job; still she felt that she had not achieved her dream. This was to become a doctor. So when I was born, she felt that I would fulfill it. Sadly she did not realize that I had not only inherited her dreamy mind and freckled face but also the "not-so genius" mind.
Every time I came home with failing grade, she saw her dream slipping away. She used to get mad at me and tried every possible thing to make me genius, smart and a doctor. Back then there was only one medical college in Nepal and to get admission there you had to be little more than genius. I never wanted to become a doctor, but for mom's sake I kept quire and went through all the genius building routines, like eating lots of almonds, not taking part in sports and not watching TV. And I loved sports and watching TV, which made the routines even more interesting and fun fuller.
Anyway, mom and dad agreed to let me run after my dream after long and heated discussions, crying spells and hunger strikes. A month after 12 grade final exams, I was off to Chennai, India to start Chartered Accountancy course.
(fictional account, any resemblance to a person is coincidence)
continued.......
After completing my masters I have been trying to break up my old lifestyle and start a new one.Old habit like thinking too much about future and not living for the moment, and also taking myself too seriously.I have always pressured myself to achieve, to do something great, big not realizing my true abilities and shortcomings. For example, I signed up for undergrad in Computer Science, but then forgot that I have no mathmatical ability or analytical ability. It is funny though how I managed to score very well in exams and get the degree with honours.But getting good marks and scoring a job are totally different, I have realized that now.
As a student I went through those four years as if I had to pass, I had to get good marks to survive.So I put everyhthting into my studies, forgot about social life, fun and festivals.I was so engrossed into my studies that I had let go of all my hobbies and interests. After I got my degree I was confident that with my grades I will score a great job, but that didn't happen. I didn't have the aptitude to be a good programmer or a systems analyst.When presented with any programming problem my mind just went blank..I didn't have any ideas.I was thrown out of many interviews, finally I found a job with a Internet Service provider.I was hired as a sales person, to sell their broadband services.So after 4 years of training to become a programmer, I start working as a sales person.Not bad I though ,atleast I finally got to set foot into the industry gates.
For six months I workd hard in my job, scored many big clients, big contracts and licenses. In the process I found out that I actually enjoyed meeting people, haggling with them over price, negotiating and yes pressuring them. I realized that if I am a programmer I will not be doing this, and that thought made me sad. At last my subconscious had agreed that I am not the technical material, and regular business job like sales, marketing are the ones that are for me.
I felt kind of liberated, now I don't have to push myself to be this great tech wizard, I don't have to struggle to achieve those high lofty goals. Accepting my strengths and working according to them made things easier. I was not trying to be what I am not, I am just being myself.It is lot easier to be who you are than to keep up the appreances.I was getting a feeling that finally I have arrived, I have found myself, I am free to be who I am.
If only life confirmed to what we wished, this world would be heaven.After all everyone wishes for good things, there no one who wishes for wars rt hunger or death.My life too, did not confirm to my wishes. It made a turn toward a place where I never wanted to be,a place which I thought I had already passed in my journey to realize myself.A year after graduating and six moths afterbeing liberated I found myself struggling to get those to loftly dreams. I found myself forgetting my"self" and running after my projected self once again.I was on my way to America, to become next Bill Gates.
The decision to come to America was not an overnight one. I had always harbored a desire to come to America since I was in 8 grade. That was the time I had just joined school's basketball team and watching NBA games was like taking part in a prayer service. Jordan, Jabbar were like God to us, we wished to copy all of their moves, the jump shots, the rebounds and leaps, all of them. Lakers were our favorite; all of us had a dream of getting to LA to see these guys for real. For next three years LA was the only place in America that I wanted to see. I had no interest in New York or Washington or Chicago or any other city. After 10 grade, the way I viewed America changed. It was no longer the land of Lakers or home of Jordan. I gave up my dream of playing in WNBA, which now seems more like a fantasy to me. Anyway, with the dream of professional basketball gone, I had started to focus more on becoming a scientist and winning a Nobel Prize. Since almost all of the Nobel winners are in American universities, I now started viewing America as my destination for a University education and a great discovery.
The grades I got in 10 grade finals did not show a promising young scientist. I was finding it hard to get admission in colleges in Kathmandu, so getting into an American university just did not seem possible. I accepted defeat and moved to India so that I could study science in 11 and 12 grade. While in India, I kept the dream of going to America alive and wrote to different Universities about degrees they offered and cost and yes, if I could get a scholarship. Every time I got reply from them, I could see the dream slipping further away. The costs were sky high and my grades did not match their requirements. I took it as yet another set back, and started looking at other options I had to achieve my goal.
A day after I had heard about Chartered Accountants and how much prestige they have I started looking for more information about being a chartered accountant. I had no interest in accounting and was no number crunching genius, still the way people talked about Chartered Accountants and how hard it is to be one, and yes back then there was no training provided in Nepal to become one, all added up to a creeping feeling inside me that I might try to become one.
I told my parents about this in a letter, yes I used to write long letters to them back then. There was no internet in my school and calling them was too expensive. I think writing is better way to express yourself, you have the time and space to explain everything in detail and you don’t have to worry about being distracted by the person’s reaction because they are not in front you. Letter writing meant clear and detailed communication to me. Although I do not do that now, I just write a two line email to my mom every day. I guess not communicating in detail has taken us apart more than the physical distance between us. Anyway, getting back to the point here, my parents reacted quite surprised over my thoughts of becoming a Chartered Accountant. They had thought that I would become a doctor or engineer, infact they had arranged for me to appear in the qualifying exams for engineering and medical studies, as soon as I finish 12 grade.
I knew that my mom always wanted me to become a doctor; she used to tell me that she wanted to become a doctor. But then in her times girls were not supposed to be one, it was a kind of odd thing in her family that she got a university degree, none of her sisters have and only one of her brother has. Daughters were supposed to get married as soon as possible so that parents will get to heaven after they die or before they die. Getting rid of a responsibility of raising a daughter and spending money on her were considered heavenly at that time, and even now. Still my grandfather allowed her to study as much as she wanted and as much as he could afford. She was a hard working student but not the genius type. She did get a degree in Psychology and a job; still she felt that she had not achieved her dream. This was to become a doctor. So when I was born, she felt that I would fulfill it. Sadly she did not realize that I had not only inherited her dreamy mind and freckled face but also the "not-so genius" mind.
Every time I came home with failing grade, she saw her dream slipping away. She used to get mad at me and tried every possible thing to make me genius, smart and a doctor. Back then there was only one medical college in Nepal and to get admission there you had to be little more than genius. I never wanted to become a doctor, but for mom's sake I kept quire and went through all the genius building routines, like eating lots of almonds, not taking part in sports and not watching TV. And I loved sports and watching TV, which made the routines even more interesting and fun fuller.
Anyway, mom and dad agreed to let me run after my dream after long and heated discussions, crying spells and hunger strikes. A month after 12 grade final exams, I was off to Chennai, India to start Chartered Accountancy course.
(fictional account, any resemblance to a person is coincidence)
continued.......
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