Raise the Red Teddy: Chapter One Excerpt
Kobina Wright
May 29, 2008
Nine times out of 10, our sacrifice is never going to be enough, and most of our children won´t be able to fully appreciate what we do for them and give up for them until they are somewhere in their 30´s. That´s okay. It´s just a good thing that they arrive there at all. The fact that you are reading this, however, illustrates that you already have some knowledge of this fact and would like to drive further into the vast sea of possibilities. Good for you. You understand that you are deserving of companionship, and you just might have an understanding of the example you are setting for you child (or children).
When we sacrifice every aspect of ourselves, we teach our daughters that this is what they should do when they become women, not only to their children but also their friends, associates, partners and others as well. Meanwhile, we teach our sons that this is what he should expect of women, and to find someone who is willing to give up her life (or most of it) to be with him. Are these the lessons we want to teach?
So who am I to be able to give anyone tips on dating? I am a journalist and avid researcher who just happens to have been a single mother for the last 12 years. Being single for so long has been mostly by choice, as I have been extremely ambitious and have wanted to accomplish certain goals before I was married so that none of my goals had to be compromised. I´ve gotten my share of proposals, but opted to be completely true to myself and check off my goals list first.
Now, don´t take what I´ve just said as a form of self-righteous justification, because it is not! This path that I´ve chosen clearly is not the road for all women. In fact, it´s probably not the path for most women – but it´s mine. And in the years of my single life, I´ve made quite a few mistakes I feel I can help head off with my stories, as well as the stumbling of several other single mothers I´ve known.
What many single mothers have come to learn on their dating journey is that besides the shiny potential of new love and new life, there are heartbreaks and hard decisions. There is also the element of sacrifice that is not usually defined in dating because only single parents will find themselves in this position. The fact is, that when dating with children, the gift of solitude and self-reflection is given up or considerable scaled back so that most of our thought energy is focused on the two parties on the opposite ends, tugging at our spiritual rope. If we are in tuned to our own needs we know that we have to fight for this small piece of ourselves - but only if we are in tuned do we know this.
When we have questions in class we raise our hands and wait to be called upon. When we have cause for alarm, we raise our red flags and try to stay clear of immanent danger. When we surrender we raise our white ones. Well, there comes a time when the single mother wants to entertain the possibilities of new love, even with a baby on her hip, a bottle in baby´s mouth with a red lace teddy under her work clothes and a stuffed toy teddy under her arm. The toy teddy symbolizes her loving nature as a mother while the red one illustrates her loving nature as an amorous woman. So finding her balance with this delicate balancing act in her life, she´ll raise the toy when she is teaching, playing and supporting her children. She´ll raise the red one when wants the adult company of a supportive, loving and dependable man.
At the end of each chapter are a list of four questions that you will want to discern about the guy you are dating. They are designed to help you figure out who he really is behind the pretty words and mesmerizing smile. This is to help you find out where his head is so that you can make an objective assessment and find out if the two of you are on the same page. The questions are bare-bones, without fluff or pretense and though they will not paint a complete picture of the person you´re dealing with, they may inspire to pose other questions you may or may not have considered before. Each time you pose these questions, don´t rely completely on his responses when searching for the answers. People we date are not always so forth coming, especially when they have something to hide, and though you don´t need to hire a detective to do a thorough background check, you should investigate a bit into each answer yourself. Keep your mind and eyes open.
When we sacrifice every aspect of ourselves, we teach our daughters that this is what they should do when they become women, not only to their children but also their friends, associates, partners and others as well. Meanwhile, we teach our sons that this is what he should expect of women, and to find someone who is willing to give up her life (or most of it) to be with him. Are these the lessons we want to teach?
So who am I to be able to give anyone tips on dating? I am a journalist and avid researcher who just happens to have been a single mother for the last 12 years. Being single for so long has been mostly by choice, as I have been extremely ambitious and have wanted to accomplish certain goals before I was married so that none of my goals had to be compromised. I´ve gotten my share of proposals, but opted to be completely true to myself and check off my goals list first.
Now, don´t take what I´ve just said as a form of self-righteous justification, because it is not! This path that I´ve chosen clearly is not the road for all women. In fact, it´s probably not the path for most women – but it´s mine. And in the years of my single life, I´ve made quite a few mistakes I feel I can help head off with my stories, as well as the stumbling of several other single mothers I´ve known.
What many single mothers have come to learn on their dating journey is that besides the shiny potential of new love and new life, there are heartbreaks and hard decisions. There is also the element of sacrifice that is not usually defined in dating because only single parents will find themselves in this position. The fact is, that when dating with children, the gift of solitude and self-reflection is given up or considerable scaled back so that most of our thought energy is focused on the two parties on the opposite ends, tugging at our spiritual rope. If we are in tuned to our own needs we know that we have to fight for this small piece of ourselves - but only if we are in tuned do we know this.
When we have questions in class we raise our hands and wait to be called upon. When we have cause for alarm, we raise our red flags and try to stay clear of immanent danger. When we surrender we raise our white ones. Well, there comes a time when the single mother wants to entertain the possibilities of new love, even with a baby on her hip, a bottle in baby´s mouth with a red lace teddy under her work clothes and a stuffed toy teddy under her arm. The toy teddy symbolizes her loving nature as a mother while the red one illustrates her loving nature as an amorous woman. So finding her balance with this delicate balancing act in her life, she´ll raise the toy when she is teaching, playing and supporting her children. She´ll raise the red one when wants the adult company of a supportive, loving and dependable man.
At the end of each chapter are a list of four questions that you will want to discern about the guy you are dating. They are designed to help you figure out who he really is behind the pretty words and mesmerizing smile. This is to help you find out where his head is so that you can make an objective assessment and find out if the two of you are on the same page. The questions are bare-bones, without fluff or pretense and though they will not paint a complete picture of the person you´re dealing with, they may inspire to pose other questions you may or may not have considered before. Each time you pose these questions, don´t rely completely on his responses when searching for the answers. People we date are not always so forth coming, especially when they have something to hide, and though you don´t need to hire a detective to do a thorough background check, you should investigate a bit into each answer yourself. Keep your mind and eyes open.
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