Helping Children Overcome Sibling Rivalry

Any parent of more than one child is acquainted with sibling rivalry to some degree. No one, including brothers and sisters will see eye to eye all the time. Instead of dreading these confrontations, parents can view them as "teachable moments". Obviously, the younger the children are, the easier it will be to adjust their behavior. All the same, it´s never too late to teach conflict resolution skills. Before parents can help their children, they need to understand what causes sibling rivalry in the first place. Each situation is different, but most cases fall under one of four general classifications. Child behavioral psychologists believe that over ninety percent of all sibling rivalry stems from a desire for situational dominance, attention seeking, retribution, or displacement of emotional distress. Let´s examine each of these.

Desire for Situational Dominance/Control

This is usually the first type of sibling rivalry to occur following the birth of the first sibling. An older child can feel suddenly replaced by the attention showered upon a new baby. As the baby becomes a mobile toddler, an older sibling may show possessiveness with toys and exclude the younger child in other ways. The older child is seeking to establish a "pecking order" of sorts and is expressing insecurity because he or she senses that their "space" has been invaded. Not sharing toys could communicate a desire not to have to share parents. Alternatively, some behaviorists concur that this may also express a need to reserve certain belongings as "solely my own". This is especially true with maturing older siblings who are trying to develop an individual sense of self.

Parents can help by continuing to spend private time with an older child, letting him or her know what an important responsibility being an older sibling actually is. Admit that it won´t always be easy, but that patient understanding of a younger child´s behavior now will pay off later as the little one grows up. Include them in the general caregiving tasks if you can. If an older child sees the birth of their sibling as augmenting, rather than diminishing, their role in the family, a great deal of tension can be alleviated. It´s also a good idea to allow at least certain items belonging to an older child to be off-limits to the younger, especially if small components are present.

Attention Seeking

No matter where a child is in the birth order, occasionally he or she may act out--- seemingly without provocation. This is usually a way of saying, "Notice me!" At the root of this are combinations of jealousy, low self-esteem, and a general feeling of not being valued. Strange as it might seem, some children would prefer to receive negative attention than to feel ignored. In this instance, parents need to understand that this child´s insecurity may call for more expressions of love, more interaction and inclusion, and more validation and comfort than a more confident child. With time, these children can become better adjusted, less anxious, and happier with positive support. If the child´s behavior doesn´t improve, then a deeper underlying problem exists.

Retribution

This type of sibling rivalry comes from a desire to repay another for a previous offense. Its origins stem from overt hostility or repressed/suppressed anger that erupts suddenly. Although it´s vital to teach anger management and self-control to our children, we also have to teach them to behave fairly to one another, and instill in them a sense of solidarity and unity. It is important to teach them that one–upmanship or "getting even" never truly solves anything, but breed more distrust and contempt in any relationship. Assist them in resolving conflicts through the mediation of quarrels until they learn the skills to do it for themselves.

Mis-directed Emotional Distress

Psychologists call this "displacement". Displacement usually refers to one individual attributing his/her own fears, insecurities, or undesired traits to another to avoid confronting the trait in his/her own personality. In sibling rivalry, however, this is seen as one person punishing an innocent individual for the real or perceived misdeeds of another. This behavior is cruel, unfair, and all too common. A person who is constantly the victim of unwarranted attack can become seriously neurotic, so this is especially damaging. Aside from discussing the concept of empathy (i.e.- "How would you feel if this was done to you?"), and teaching better coping mechanisms, this type of sibling rivalry, like that stemming from latent or overt hostility may require professional counseling in order to heal. Not all sibling rivalry is serious enough to warrant clinical intervention, but nearly every case can benefit from conscientious parental involvement. Teaching children how to get along gives them powerful interpersonal skills for the future.