Dear Graduate
Adele R. McDowell, Ph.D.
May 25, 2008
The same thing happened recently when I attended the college graduation of my godchild. I wondered what I might say to the 2008 graduates, or, at the very least, what bon mots I might have for my godchild at this significant juncture of her life.
I was ready and waiting for her commencement speaker to be a real bore and a drone; especially given he was a political appointee. However, I was delighted at the wisdom and down-to-earth-ness of his speech. In fact, I was touched and moved by his words. This man was surprisingly soulful.
The speaker was Antonio "Tony" Garza, Jr., the U.S. Ambassador to Mexico. Mr. Garza told the story of how he had helped tutor a young man. Garza felt they had knocked it out of the park, and when the test results came in, he asked his student how they did. The student´s response was "You´re not as smart as you think you are." You have to love that as an opening.
Mr. Garza offered three points of advice to the graduates: be open to the world (and look up from your ipods and computers), be honest and do good. I couldn´t agree more. I think Ambassador Garza is pretty savvy.
If I were to be handed the microphone on my speech-making Fantasy Island, I would find myself shuffling around for something meaningful to add to the mix. The older I get, the less I feel I know.
The world spins faster, the technology leaps forward and science is running a marathon. I am still at the lemonade stand, waiting for my cool drink and looking for my seat in the bleachers to watch it all race by and head to the newest frontier.
Yet, that said, there are a few things I have learned along the way. Perhaps, they will be of some use to you, my smarter-than-the-average-bear godchild and college graduate.
Dear One,
I know right now that you are feeling rather invincible. You are young, a recent college graduate, and you have your whole adult life stretched before you. It is a delicious, sweet place in your life. There are so many roads, so many choices and so many possibilities.
College graduation confers a place in adulthood. You are expected to be responsible; you are expected to become self-supporting. This is the juncture where your dreams, visions and passions are placed on the table. You are in the catbird seat; you get to decide.
And it is with this knowledge, I tell you that now is the moment of choice, now is the moment when you can create, determine and become the person you want to be, living the life you want to live. Granted you have big goals and huge hopes, but as of today, you, and only you, are responsible for nurturing and feeding those dreams.
I am not trying to overwhelm you, but I am trying to make it very clear that this is your one, precious life. It calls for you to treat yourself well. Nourish, nurture, protect and value yourself.
Self-worth is an underrated virtue, but for my money – and my many years of clinical practice — it is the cornerstone of a good life; it is the gold standard of good mental health.
With self-worth, you will be mindful of how you care for your physical self, how you allow others to treat you and what you will or won´t do. You will not dally in toxic, draining and non-supportive situations. You will know what is worth your time, energy and attention. You will follow Kenny Roger´s lead and "Know when to hold ´em; know when to fold them."
Ultimately, you will learn to honor yourself.
These lessons are hard won. There was no 8 a.m. class. Your parents and some of your teachers planted the first seeds of self-worth, but you, like the rest of us, learn by experience. It is all about that great graduate school called life.
And this will come as no surprise, even with that leather-bound diploma: you will make mistakes. Some of them will be whoppers. It may be hard to let go of the bonehead move, the idiot conversation or the big, ever-reverberating mess that you created. I can see you moaning, "Oh, God," as you clutch your head, and your cheeks redden.
But here´s the deal: We all make mistakes, parents and godmothers included. It is part and parcel of being human. And these mistakes are the perfect laboratory for developing self-worth and self-esteem.
To borrow a phrase from Julia Cameron´s bestseller, The Artist´s Way, you will learn "to treat yourself like a precious object."
And precious you are.
I am so very proud of you. I am proud of you for completing this leg of your journey, but most especially, I am proud of you for the intelligent, creative, sensitive, caring human being you have become. You are a person of quality. Please don´t forget that.
And when you have those moments when you doubt everything about yourself and feel you are worth nothing, remember there was a time when you were held in your parent´s arms. Their eyes sparkled, and their hearts nearly exploded right of their chests with the depth of love they felt for you.
They counted your fingers and toes over and over again; they marveled at the shell of your ear and the sound of your breath when you slept. They held you as if you were made of spun glass; they anticipated your every need. They oohed and ahhed at every small move, at every small sound.
You were their world – and, for the record, you still are. But, of course, it´s different now. Now, you are a grown-up. Their love, and my love, too, does not go away, but it may feel less evident as we all take one giant step backwards – out of love, mind you -- to give you the space you need for your wings to unfold, so that you may take flight.
Congratulations, dear one. I am so very proud.
My love, as always,
Mog*
*This is the family´s affectionate term for godmother.
copyright 2008 by Adele Ryan McDowell
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