The Few, The Proud…The Deployed? Help for Military Families Coping with Deployment and Return
Karen Sullen
May 09, 2008
The dress-blue uniforms are simply stunning against the backdrop of flickering candles. Patriotic pride can be felt with every glimpse of this military wedding of style and grace–simply beautiful. Walking out of the chapel at the end of the ceremony through the saber-drawn arch is a climatic ending to a perfect wedding. Yet the conclusion of this service brings the bride bittersweet tears of joy and sadness, knowing that the man of her dreams must now answer another call–the call of duty. Instead of a weeklong honeymoon, there is a deployment. In 48 hours, he will leave for Iraq, consumed by thoughts of the new life they just began together and concerned about an uncertain future. And, just like that, this bride becomes one of the many military wives in waiting.
With so many of our soldiers being deployed on their second, third and even fourth tours to Iraq, this scenario can happen more often than expected. Whether the separation begins at this early stage or later in the marriage, all would agree that the prolonged separation definitely takes its toll on the soldier and the family. Soldiers proudly serve in our armed forces, and their families serve proudly at home. Admittedly, each side holds its own set of challenges and rewards. Learning to cope when your "other half" is halfway around the world is difficult, to say the least. Each family is different, and there is no one coping mechanism that makes this transition more tolerable. However, there are some methods and common-sense approaches that have been found to be effective. The use of cellular phones with international plans allow families to maintain consistent contact, keeping the deployed partner "in the moment" and current on activities. But keep in mind that a phone conversation is not a substitute for a loving note (letter, card, care package or email) that can be read and re-read as needed to keep loneliness at bay. When discussing business, the "sandwich" approach offers a subtle reminder that the spouse is the priority and not necessarily the issue at hand. Difficult discussions can be "sandwiched" between an encouraging, uplifting conversation on each end. These caring words allow the conversation to start sweet and end sweet. Keeping a journal is another way to help process emotions and chronicle the day´s events. It is always a good idea to seek out support groups and organizations that can provide assistance during the deployment. Building a network of people and resources can often be the best defense.
To the delight of many, time has marched on, and now the deployment is over. There will surely be elation and celebrations, both public and private, honoring the servicemen for their commitment to our country and the support of their families while away. These fearless fighters are certainly due this honor. But with all the joy and excitement, post-deployment reunions can be challenging to say the least. Many soldiers return with emotional challenges, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD), which affects not only the soldier, but the family as well. Operating under 24-hour alerts and various threats while on active duty is not a feeling that can be shaken off during the 20-hour plane ride back to the states. Some much-needed down time or transitional time can begin to ease the stress, recognizing that it takes time to heal and settle back into a non-military lifestyle. While PSTD can manifest itself in a number of ways, such as erratic sleep patterns, violent reactions to sudden loud noises, increased irritability and uncontrolled anger, there are ways to help facilitate a smooth transition. According to the Army Medicine website (http://www.armymedicine.army.mil), realistic expectations are a good way for returning soldiers and awaiting spouses to begin the process:
Expect an adjustment period, no matter how happy the reunion. Anticipate doubts and worries. Anxiety is a predictable part of reuniting. Do not be afraid to talk to someone or seek professional help for difficulty adjusting.
Expect change. Recognize that everyone has changed to some degree. Everything from tastes and interests to the way the household is run may have changed, and it may take some time to get back to the family routine. Keep an open mind as roles are re-created. Make small, gradual changes, and ease back into the flow.
Expect old problems to resurface. Separation does not erase problems, and problems do not solve themselves. Taking a break from the issue and stepping back may have helped to gain a new perspective, but the issue itself may still exist. There may also be new issues to address.
Expect an exchange of emotions. Share your feelings, and accept others' feelings, whatever they may be. Feelings are never right or wrong; they just are. Expect all sorts of feelings to surface—relief, hope, anxiety and even resentment.
Expect your reconnection to take time. Be prepared for challenges when reestablishing physical intimacy. Take your time in getting reacquainted, and do not try to rush sexual relations to make up for lost time! Plan family time to help bring everyone back together. Avoid a busy schedule, and make some time for the positive things that bring joy and relaxation.
Most of all, be realistic in your expectations and let things happen naturally. Be patient, allowing sufficient time to adjust.
This article was brought to you by MyWeddingFavors.com, an online retail company specializing in unique wedding favors, wedding shower favors, bridesmaids´ gifts, groomsmen gifts, and wedding accessories. We are also dedicated to providing informative articles on weddings, wedding planning, marriage, marital issues and other topics.
With so many of our soldiers being deployed on their second, third and even fourth tours to Iraq, this scenario can happen more often than expected. Whether the separation begins at this early stage or later in the marriage, all would agree that the prolonged separation definitely takes its toll on the soldier and the family. Soldiers proudly serve in our armed forces, and their families serve proudly at home. Admittedly, each side holds its own set of challenges and rewards. Learning to cope when your "other half" is halfway around the world is difficult, to say the least. Each family is different, and there is no one coping mechanism that makes this transition more tolerable. However, there are some methods and common-sense approaches that have been found to be effective. The use of cellular phones with international plans allow families to maintain consistent contact, keeping the deployed partner "in the moment" and current on activities. But keep in mind that a phone conversation is not a substitute for a loving note (letter, card, care package or email) that can be read and re-read as needed to keep loneliness at bay. When discussing business, the "sandwich" approach offers a subtle reminder that the spouse is the priority and not necessarily the issue at hand. Difficult discussions can be "sandwiched" between an encouraging, uplifting conversation on each end. These caring words allow the conversation to start sweet and end sweet. Keeping a journal is another way to help process emotions and chronicle the day´s events. It is always a good idea to seek out support groups and organizations that can provide assistance during the deployment. Building a network of people and resources can often be the best defense.
To the delight of many, time has marched on, and now the deployment is over. There will surely be elation and celebrations, both public and private, honoring the servicemen for their commitment to our country and the support of their families while away. These fearless fighters are certainly due this honor. But with all the joy and excitement, post-deployment reunions can be challenging to say the least. Many soldiers return with emotional challenges, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD), which affects not only the soldier, but the family as well. Operating under 24-hour alerts and various threats while on active duty is not a feeling that can be shaken off during the 20-hour plane ride back to the states. Some much-needed down time or transitional time can begin to ease the stress, recognizing that it takes time to heal and settle back into a non-military lifestyle. While PSTD can manifest itself in a number of ways, such as erratic sleep patterns, violent reactions to sudden loud noises, increased irritability and uncontrolled anger, there are ways to help facilitate a smooth transition. According to the Army Medicine website (http://www.armymedicine.army.mil), realistic expectations are a good way for returning soldiers and awaiting spouses to begin the process:
Expect an adjustment period, no matter how happy the reunion. Anticipate doubts and worries. Anxiety is a predictable part of reuniting. Do not be afraid to talk to someone or seek professional help for difficulty adjusting.
Expect change. Recognize that everyone has changed to some degree. Everything from tastes and interests to the way the household is run may have changed, and it may take some time to get back to the family routine. Keep an open mind as roles are re-created. Make small, gradual changes, and ease back into the flow.
Expect old problems to resurface. Separation does not erase problems, and problems do not solve themselves. Taking a break from the issue and stepping back may have helped to gain a new perspective, but the issue itself may still exist. There may also be new issues to address.
Expect an exchange of emotions. Share your feelings, and accept others' feelings, whatever they may be. Feelings are never right or wrong; they just are. Expect all sorts of feelings to surface—relief, hope, anxiety and even resentment.
Expect your reconnection to take time. Be prepared for challenges when reestablishing physical intimacy. Take your time in getting reacquainted, and do not try to rush sexual relations to make up for lost time! Plan family time to help bring everyone back together. Avoid a busy schedule, and make some time for the positive things that bring joy and relaxation.
Most of all, be realistic in your expectations and let things happen naturally. Be patient, allowing sufficient time to adjust.
This article was brought to you by MyWeddingFavors.com, an online retail company specializing in unique wedding favors, wedding shower favors, bridesmaids´ gifts, groomsmen gifts, and wedding accessories. We are also dedicated to providing informative articles on weddings, wedding planning, marriage, marital issues and other topics.
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