Attention Mothers. As Our Annual HolidayArrives, Know Our Kids Need our Attention.
Alice Aspen March
May 04, 2008
Mother´s Day, our national holiday, is fast approaching. Memories are coming back. The cards are in the racks. The candy is in the stores. The flower shops are ready. The retailers are advertising like crazy, hawking their various suggestions for what to buy mothers, on TV, radio and the Internet.
Wouldn´t it be wonderful if our adult kids would ask us what we might really like on Mother´s Day? Maybe we´d like to spend some time with them. Perhaps, a telephone conversation would be nice. I don´t know about you, but I don´t need any more candy, and I really don´t need any more clothes. I would like some time though,
"hanging-out" time. I´d like to go out for brunch and just sit around chatting, spending shared time together. Maybe, go for a long leisurely walk together, go down to the beach, go up to the mountains, play board games or even see a movie. Time, for me, is the most important gift we can give each other. And I wish I had been more conscious of how important "face-time" is in a family. I mean, we need to know what kind of attention we´re giving to our kids.
As I look back to when my three sons were small, I can remember the main events, while daily activities seem to have faded away. The time went by so fast. I do, though, vividly remember the pets we had: the rabbits, rats, hamsters, puppies, turtles, fish, and the most wonderful Springer Spaniel we picket up at the animal shelter. From the moment we arrived home with "Norton" he moved into our hearts. He slept with my youngest son for at least ten years; I never knew where one head started and the other ended, for they both had brown hair! Even my first grandchild knew Norton. We all loved him and he loved us. Pets are great attention-givers.
And there were some highly charged emotional events around some of our pets. One of our earlier dogs killed our rabbit; we stayed home from school that day to create a proper funeral. One hamster accidentally got flushed down a toilet. I wonder if my youngest son ever believed me, when I told him that his hamster was swimming out to the ocean and would be fine. My oldest son let another hamster out "for exercise" and we never saw him again.
I will never forget when their father, from whom I had separated, came across country to see our oldest receive a very special honor in the ninth grade. I had to do a profound selling job to get him to come, and it was worth all the time and effort. The thrill of my kids when they saw their Dad unexpectedly is still etched in my memory.
I remember a trip we took through the tall Redwoods, where my oldest became at one with nature; another time I kidnapped him and we flew from Los Angeles to San Francisco to see a special art show and hang out for the day. Another memory took place on an extraordinary shopping excursion, when I told my thirteen year old, middle son, that he could have anything he wanted in the store. He was so excited, and we still laugh at what he chose. I can still see my youngest smiling at the snow man he built in the backyard of my cousin´s home in New Jersey; he´d never even seen snow before.
I have learned that all mothers have lots of good times and some not-so-good times. I do think often, though, how different life could have been, if I´d known back then what I know today. Too bad it doesn´t happen that way. I feel with every cell in my body that I would have done my mothering differently. I would have paid more attention to the different needs for attention that each of my sons had. Did I listen enough, hang out enough, and acknowledge their differences enough? Did I take them seriously enough?
As life would have it, my youngest son began to act out as a teen-ager. I was so terrified that I could lose him, when I discovered he was using drugs. I had to go looking for the role I played in his dysfunctional behavior, and I had absolutely no clue what I was looking for. I changed my life style and became the neighborhood Mom with the available house, car, food, and ear. After two years, I had an epiphany over the word "Attention" and went on a quest to discover everything I could about that one word. After much asking, reading, studying, researching, I started speaking out about my discoveries. I am forever grateful that I learned how vital attention is for all of us, because my son has told me that I saved his life with my work.
Naturally, I have collected abundant stories along the way. One of my oldest friends, in his eighties, told me that he never got any "atta boys!" I had to ask him what that meant. That was a phrase used to support good behavior; it´s like a cheer. This story certainly validates my thinking today. As mothers, we have got to know that the kind of attention, we give our kids in their childhoods, lives with them forever. If we give our children enough appropriate quality, positive time, they can give it back to us.
Wouldn´t it be wonderful if our adult kids would ask us what we might really like on Mother´s Day? Maybe we´d like to spend some time with them. Perhaps, a telephone conversation would be nice. I don´t know about you, but I don´t need any more candy, and I really don´t need any more clothes. I would like some time though,
"hanging-out" time. I´d like to go out for brunch and just sit around chatting, spending shared time together. Maybe, go for a long leisurely walk together, go down to the beach, go up to the mountains, play board games or even see a movie. Time, for me, is the most important gift we can give each other. And I wish I had been more conscious of how important "face-time" is in a family. I mean, we need to know what kind of attention we´re giving to our kids.
As I look back to when my three sons were small, I can remember the main events, while daily activities seem to have faded away. The time went by so fast. I do, though, vividly remember the pets we had: the rabbits, rats, hamsters, puppies, turtles, fish, and the most wonderful Springer Spaniel we picket up at the animal shelter. From the moment we arrived home with "Norton" he moved into our hearts. He slept with my youngest son for at least ten years; I never knew where one head started and the other ended, for they both had brown hair! Even my first grandchild knew Norton. We all loved him and he loved us. Pets are great attention-givers.
And there were some highly charged emotional events around some of our pets. One of our earlier dogs killed our rabbit; we stayed home from school that day to create a proper funeral. One hamster accidentally got flushed down a toilet. I wonder if my youngest son ever believed me, when I told him that his hamster was swimming out to the ocean and would be fine. My oldest son let another hamster out "for exercise" and we never saw him again.
I will never forget when their father, from whom I had separated, came across country to see our oldest receive a very special honor in the ninth grade. I had to do a profound selling job to get him to come, and it was worth all the time and effort. The thrill of my kids when they saw their Dad unexpectedly is still etched in my memory.
I remember a trip we took through the tall Redwoods, where my oldest became at one with nature; another time I kidnapped him and we flew from Los Angeles to San Francisco to see a special art show and hang out for the day. Another memory took place on an extraordinary shopping excursion, when I told my thirteen year old, middle son, that he could have anything he wanted in the store. He was so excited, and we still laugh at what he chose. I can still see my youngest smiling at the snow man he built in the backyard of my cousin´s home in New Jersey; he´d never even seen snow before.
I have learned that all mothers have lots of good times and some not-so-good times. I do think often, though, how different life could have been, if I´d known back then what I know today. Too bad it doesn´t happen that way. I feel with every cell in my body that I would have done my mothering differently. I would have paid more attention to the different needs for attention that each of my sons had. Did I listen enough, hang out enough, and acknowledge their differences enough? Did I take them seriously enough?
As life would have it, my youngest son began to act out as a teen-ager. I was so terrified that I could lose him, when I discovered he was using drugs. I had to go looking for the role I played in his dysfunctional behavior, and I had absolutely no clue what I was looking for. I changed my life style and became the neighborhood Mom with the available house, car, food, and ear. After two years, I had an epiphany over the word "Attention" and went on a quest to discover everything I could about that one word. After much asking, reading, studying, researching, I started speaking out about my discoveries. I am forever grateful that I learned how vital attention is for all of us, because my son has told me that I saved his life with my work.
Naturally, I have collected abundant stories along the way. One of my oldest friends, in his eighties, told me that he never got any "atta boys!" I had to ask him what that meant. That was a phrase used to support good behavior; it´s like a cheer. This story certainly validates my thinking today. As mothers, we have got to know that the kind of attention, we give our kids in their childhoods, lives with them forever. If we give our children enough appropriate quality, positive time, they can give it back to us.
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