My Debt of Gratitude to the CEOs of Gas and Oil companies
Jeffery S. Williams
April 28, 2008
Dear Rex, Guy, David and James—
Thank you.
It took me awhile, but I am grateful to say, I have now experienced the moment of clarity you all three of you have been hoping for — I am happy about soaring gas costs.
I finally see the courageous wisdom you have bestowed on the naïve consumers of America. Like loving fathers protecting their helpless, foolish, prodigal children, you are single-handedly rescuing us from drowning in oil and gas.
You have been steadily raising prices — for our own good. So now I am spreading your vision and defending your good names against ignorance.
I was at station the other day buying gas. The guy adjacent to me started kvetching about how the pain at the pump was plundering his pocketbook. His alliteration notwithstanding, he claimed the gas and oil companies were dip-sticking it to us — creating fake shortages and inflating prices for greed´s sake.
"How dare you," I replied, "cast aspersions on the CEOs of Exxon/Mobil, Conoco/Philips, Chevron or Shell. We should be grateful at gas prices have tipped $4."
"What?" he said in disbelief.
"In fact I hope they double, nay triple it by summer."
He looked at me like I had been sniffing gas fumes. "When President Bush took office a gallon gas cost $1.50. What gives?"
"Can´t you see the bigger picture?" I said. "The higher the gas prices, the better off we are. Air quality gets better, car accidents go down, less dependence on foreign oil, reduced hostilities globally, the environment catches a break, and people get off their backsides and move their bodies more. Everyone wins."
"Everyone wins?" one of your detractors decried. "Don´t you know Exxon made like $35 billion in profits last year. Rex Tillerson, the CEO got a $2.8 million bonus in addition to a $1.75 million salary — and that´s after they gave the retiring CEO Lee Raymond $400 million."
"They deserve every penny — and much more," I said. "For their personal crusade in saving the American people while enduring heartless insults from petty-minded politicians and the press. They need that money to assuage the suffering of their souls. It is a paltry amount in light of the sacrifices they have made for our salvation."
"But those companies made a combined $117 billion last year. Why can´t the feds at least tax them and give us a rebate."
I shook my head violently. "We are in good hands. They know best. After all, if we had more money we would drive more — and destroy ourselves. It is the same principle that operates around beer and gonorrhea in this country. If studies prove that when the beer tax rises, STDs fall, then logically skyrocketing gas prices will make us drive les, saving us from the brink of disaster. Just ask Al Gore."
"But it was oil and gas companies that fought against the electric car and block alternative energy sources for cars," my gullible gas-guzzling consumer said. Then he tried pulling out the big guns, started quoting Gandhi. "The world has enough for every man´s need/But not enough for every man´s greed."
"Greed is the grand motivator and the only way to rescue people from their irresponsibility. Out of greed for other things, people will be forced to spend less on gas, and make our world a healthier, more peaceful place."
"You´re trying to tell me these CEOs are noble? They why don´t they give out of the needy out of the excess profits — like Bill Gates?"
"Don´t you dare cast aspersions on the altruism of Oil and Gas Company Execs. They gave several million to the victims of Katrina."
"And that amounts to about a drop of oil for them," my blind, cynical friend said. "What are they doing with the rest of the money?" he demanded
"They are offering us an invaluable example," I said. "They are our new role models, our heroes of capitalism. And I for one kowtow to their sage instincts."
The man topped off his gas tank, grimaced at total, gave me the universal sign, hopped into his behemoth of an SUV and drove off.
Well, Rex, David and James — I may not have made a convert yet but I will keep offering your salvation message, one barrel at a time. By the way, if I wish to donate to your cause, where should I send my charitable contributions to support your service to humanity?
Signed a most gratefully enlightened consumer.
Thank you.
It took me awhile, but I am grateful to say, I have now experienced the moment of clarity you all three of you have been hoping for — I am happy about soaring gas costs.
I finally see the courageous wisdom you have bestowed on the naïve consumers of America. Like loving fathers protecting their helpless, foolish, prodigal children, you are single-handedly rescuing us from drowning in oil and gas.
You have been steadily raising prices — for our own good. So now I am spreading your vision and defending your good names against ignorance.
I was at station the other day buying gas. The guy adjacent to me started kvetching about how the pain at the pump was plundering his pocketbook. His alliteration notwithstanding, he claimed the gas and oil companies were dip-sticking it to us — creating fake shortages and inflating prices for greed´s sake.
"How dare you," I replied, "cast aspersions on the CEOs of Exxon/Mobil, Conoco/Philips, Chevron or Shell. We should be grateful at gas prices have tipped $4."
"What?" he said in disbelief.
"In fact I hope they double, nay triple it by summer."
He looked at me like I had been sniffing gas fumes. "When President Bush took office a gallon gas cost $1.50. What gives?"
"Can´t you see the bigger picture?" I said. "The higher the gas prices, the better off we are. Air quality gets better, car accidents go down, less dependence on foreign oil, reduced hostilities globally, the environment catches a break, and people get off their backsides and move their bodies more. Everyone wins."
"Everyone wins?" one of your detractors decried. "Don´t you know Exxon made like $35 billion in profits last year. Rex Tillerson, the CEO got a $2.8 million bonus in addition to a $1.75 million salary — and that´s after they gave the retiring CEO Lee Raymond $400 million."
"They deserve every penny — and much more," I said. "For their personal crusade in saving the American people while enduring heartless insults from petty-minded politicians and the press. They need that money to assuage the suffering of their souls. It is a paltry amount in light of the sacrifices they have made for our salvation."
"But those companies made a combined $117 billion last year. Why can´t the feds at least tax them and give us a rebate."
I shook my head violently. "We are in good hands. They know best. After all, if we had more money we would drive more — and destroy ourselves. It is the same principle that operates around beer and gonorrhea in this country. If studies prove that when the beer tax rises, STDs fall, then logically skyrocketing gas prices will make us drive les, saving us from the brink of disaster. Just ask Al Gore."
"But it was oil and gas companies that fought against the electric car and block alternative energy sources for cars," my gullible gas-guzzling consumer said. Then he tried pulling out the big guns, started quoting Gandhi. "The world has enough for every man´s need/But not enough for every man´s greed."
"Greed is the grand motivator and the only way to rescue people from their irresponsibility. Out of greed for other things, people will be forced to spend less on gas, and make our world a healthier, more peaceful place."
"You´re trying to tell me these CEOs are noble? They why don´t they give out of the needy out of the excess profits — like Bill Gates?"
"Don´t you dare cast aspersions on the altruism of Oil and Gas Company Execs. They gave several million to the victims of Katrina."
"And that amounts to about a drop of oil for them," my blind, cynical friend said. "What are they doing with the rest of the money?" he demanded
"They are offering us an invaluable example," I said. "They are our new role models, our heroes of capitalism. And I for one kowtow to their sage instincts."
The man topped off his gas tank, grimaced at total, gave me the universal sign, hopped into his behemoth of an SUV and drove off.
Well, Rex, David and James — I may not have made a convert yet but I will keep offering your salvation message, one barrel at a time. By the way, if I wish to donate to your cause, where should I send my charitable contributions to support your service to humanity?
Signed a most gratefully enlightened consumer.
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