CHAPTER 5: Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty´s Controversial Parentage

In Chapters 1 thru 4 I told you about my little black cat, Ms Kitty Kitty Kitty: how she came to live with me, ´accidentally´ got herself elected to Congress, and the excitement which her initials, KKK, caused in our nation´s capital. (That brought the Reverend Al down on her case hard, but it was a losing cause for the irreverent reverend who demurred in the face of the popular uproar over his meddling in affairs of state.) No sooner had that settled down when another incident blew up and Ms Kitty was again in the spotlight.

The Washington Post, it appears, scooped a story about Ms Kitty´s parentage. (You know, the Washington Post of ´Watergate´ fame? Oh, those were the days!) Times have been hard for newspapers of late since everyone seems to be getting their news from the blogs. As you know, newspapers are pretty desperate for anything to use as a front page headline to draw readers lest they become obsolete made so by that infernal internet which they hate. Kinda makes ´fish wrap´ a self fulfilling thing. "All the news that´s fit to print…no matter what the consequences!" (I can happily report that The New York Times did not go out on a limb on this story – miraculously.)

It seems, or so they reported, that Ms Kitty´s father was Persian! Well, now the proverbial ´cat was out of the bag´ as you might say. Religion is a touchy subject anytime, but when you mix it with politics you can expect lightening bolts to strike. Exactly what happened.

I really can´t confirm Ms Kitty´s lineage as she wasn´t born to me. I had acquired Ms Kitty – rather, she acquired me – quite by circumstance as I explained in Chapter 1. But, the implication of the story which hit the air waves hard and fast was that if her father was, in fact, Persian, then she must be a Muslim? You can imagine the fuss!

It was noted prominently in the news that Ms Kitty had been sworn in to her Congressional seat appropriately – but had not put her paws on the family bible. My mistake. I should have known that these types of things are closely scrutinized in Washington, DC. Some Congressional cub reporter noticed this and, on a slow news day, wrote it up at the time. (You know those days, mostly Friday afternoons, as in when the Clinton´s release their tax returns?) Subsequent hard scrabble digging turned up the Persian angle.

I can´t confirm Ms Kitty´s religious affiliation. However, her father being Persian – if that is even true; she doesn´t ´look´ Persian to me – does not automatically make her a Muslim, does it? And if it does, why all the fuss? There are Muslim members of Congress – at least I know of one. His swearing in with the Koran was exciting for awhile and then petered out.

All I can confirm is that Ms Kitty was raised next door to a Presbyterian Church and was seen many times cruising the grounds thereof. Can I infer that she´s a Presbyterian? I don´t think I can. I don´t think she´s the Presbyterian type, if my observations are correct. So, under pressure, I stated that Ms Kitty had converted to Catholic early in her life as that happens to be my religious persuasion – and owing to the fact that I thought that would really throw some game into the fight – especially with the bible belt conservatives, mostly Baptists and Evangelicals who are not especially fond of Catholics – especially political Catholics. It did. Jerry Falwell had a fit.

The question of my cat´s religiosity festered. The Jewish members of Congress immediately called for a full Senate investigation – they usually investigate a lot anyway – seem to love wasting time and money on trivial pursuits - so I took little notice of this action. (I think they do so to get TV time!) I heard that Schumer (NY) called for a suspension of all Federal funds to my California district until it was determined that Ms Kitty had not been elected under false pretenses. (It turned out that the Democrat running against Ms Kitty here in California was a distant cousin – and large campaign contributor - so there may have been an ulterior motive in so doing.)

Rush got involved calling Ms Kitty "a plant by a foreign intelligence service – possibly Iran – which threatens our national security!" He called for an immediate retaliation by bombing that country back to the Stone Age. (You know Rush. Anything to stir the pot. He didn´t really mean that?)

Of course, his arch enemy, Keith Olbermann, came to Ms Kitty´s rescue against Rush by proclaiming Ms Kitty to be a duly elected member of Congress regardless of her religious affiliation. That Keith is such a fighter for justice no matter what – especially if it makes Rush look bad. He even got backing from one of his ´new´ regular guest talking heads…what´s her name? You know, the young ultra liberal lady from Air America with absolutely not a single splash of makeup or any other feminine adornments? Anyway, she proclaimed that this lady cat needn´t disclose anything about her religion…that it was another Obama - like slanderous unfounded insinuation. Surprisingly, for once she had bucked the trend of most of her fellow Jewish Democrats.

In the end, this religious affiliation thing proved to be nothing less than another tempest in a teapot type of incident. Things quieted down when the high courts chimed in as to the separation of church and state issue. Ms Kitty´s lineage could not be questioned – even if her father was Persian. After all, what´s next? Questioning her sexuality? (I can vouch for Ms Kitty in that regard – she´s no rest room toe tapper!)

Well, after all was said and done – mostly ´said´ as is usually the case in Washington – nothing much gets ´done´ there really – the dust settled and Ms Kitty moved on. Stay tuned for Chapter 6.

Meanwhile, if you haven't read Chapters 1 thru 4, they are available here on American Chronicle and other Chronicle sites. So get caught up to date by reading this incredible story.