DEAR WITBONES: Kick Start My Mate Or My Old Harley-Davidson?

WITBONES – "Ask A Humorist!" is a new advice column for the laughlorn by humorist B. Elwin Sherman. This time out, he addresses the problems of Harley owners, city slickers, unfunny spouses, loudmouth dogs and global warming.

DEAR WITBONES:

I have a problem! I keep having these dreams that I am on my old Harley headed through Franconia Notch. Problem is, while I am dreaming, my partner tells me I am actually trying to kick-start my bike in bed, and she keeps waking up with bruises. What should I do, keep kicking her or buy a newer bike with an electric start? Help me, dude! It´s getting time to ride! Signed: READY TO ROLL IN RUMNEY

Dear READY:

As a fellow Harley owner, I´ve been right where you are with the same problem, but with a slightly different twist. I do have an electric start, and in my sleep I´m always grabbing my partner´s wrist and pressing it with my thumb. And, because I also have highway bars with elevated foot rests, she awakens to the wrist pinch and the sight of me lifting my feet in the air.

Trust me; this sends an entirely different message, and one that I highly recommend.

Time to upgrade and enjoy the ride, dude.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted!

DEAR WITBONES:

Why do "city people" move to the country for the views and the trees, and the first thing they do is cut down the trees, put up fences with "No Trespassing" signs, and build oversized houses that obstruct the views? Why don´t they just stay where they are, and stop wrecking the country for us "country people?" Signed: LAND OF THE LOST IN LINCOLN

Dear LAND:

Ah, you´ve hit a nerve that sends the ruralites among us (your host included) into near apoplexy, even though apoplexy is caused by a lack of oxygen, not frayed nerves. But, let´s not quibble over precisely how or why we´re made stupefied. I need to help you before you pass out.

There´s an old country adage: "You can take the boy out of the city, but you can´t get your general store to stock chunky peanut butter." Mine won´t, anyway. I´ve asked the storekeeper several times, and I get the same old answer: "Folks around here like it smooth." I take umbrage to this because I´m a country person, and I prefer my peanut butter like I like my writing life: chunky and Skippy. Too much smoothness softens the muse, and by the end of the day my adjectives are sticking to the bleeping roof of my mouth.

Meanwhile, there is little we can do about those folks "from away" who are urbanizing our homefronts. You´ll need to find the metaphorical equivalent of adding a chunky jam to your smooth peanut butter. I´d suggest taking refuge in one of my favorite retreats: Ogden Nash.

City people are querulous and queasy,
And they'd rather die than not live easy
And if they did die, they'd find fault
If they weren't put in an air-conditioned vault.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

I'm not anyone's perfect 10, so I'm hoping to find a guy who likes a "good sense of humor". The trouble is I'm also not very funny, Can you offer some tips on how to convince a man that I´m funny? Signed: HUMORLESS IN HUDSON

Dear HUMORLESS:

A "Perfect 10" does not exist, so let´s first rid you of that notion. Besides, one man´s Perfect 10 is another man´s lawn tractor, so just stop right there. Unless you can compete with John Deere´s new four-wheel drive X729 on an emotional level, and you yourself "operate easily with a single dash-mounted switch," especially in the morning, you´re going about this all wrong.

The art of being funny lies in your ability to convince your man that he THINKS you´re funny. For the male animal, this is the same thing, and you´re already funnier than you think you are, or you wouldn´t be seriously asking how to get a man to think like you want him to. To accomplish that, you need only meet 2 conditions:

1. One of you is a man.

2. You´re both breathing.

So, just be yourself. For must of us, that´s as funny as we need to be.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

My neighbor's dog won't stop barking. I've tried everything I can think of from calling the Animal Control guy to earplugs but nothing seems to work for long. The dog´s owners are gone all day and don't have to listen to him, but he barks constantly even when they´re home. My husband isn´t bothered by it, but I can´t stand it another day. What can I do? Signed: BARKING IN BETHLEHEM

Dear BARKING:

No dog barks for no reason, so there´s a good place to start.

In her book "NO BAD DOGS," the late Barbara Woodhouse points out that there are no difficult dogs, only difficult dog owners. So, in reality, it´s your neighbor, not his dog, barking at you. Think of it this way, and you´ll soon realize what it is you´re doing that´s making him bark. Now, stop doing this, and instead do whatever you need to do to make him whimper and fall silent.

Just apply the same behavior that apparently worked on your husband.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted!

DEAR WITBONES:

I know it´s spring, but there´s still snow on the ground, I´m still freezing, and I can´t take much more of this. Question: Should I feel guilty for looking forward to Global Warming? Signed: NO DEFROST IN DORCHESTER

Dear NO:

If you´re feeling guilty because you find the notion of retreating glaciers, rising oceans, ozone depletion and species extinction preferable to a couple extra weeks of scraping your windshield … well … perhaps your problem isn´t these feelings of self-reproach; rather you might have an issue with what psychiatrists like to call "sanity."

I suggest you stop reading advice columns from humorists.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

Copyright 2008 by B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved. Questions may be submitted via the WITBONES website, at: WITBONES - "Ask A Humorist!".