Single Mother: How Thoroughly Do You Investigate?

Perhaps it´s because in college, I worked for some time in a group home for children, learning the countless stories of abuse; perhaps it´s because I´ve observed so many single mothers around me chasing love at any and every cost- throwing caution to the wind; but I´ve personally fallen into the habit of putting every man I date under my microscope. Of course I´m not so overt about it that it makes them squirm under the bright light of my interrogation, but if they have any compassion for children and my situation, they will understand how imperative it is for me to know them – in and out. The two of us are not the only ones affected by our relationship, and eventually, if he´s to stick around for the long haul, they will develop a relationship as well. As a steward of my child, it is my duty to ensure it is a healthy one.

You´ve heard the saying before, "children don´t come with manuals." Well, maybe we don´t hear it as often anymore, since there are a zillion books that would lead you to believe that they´re each the ultimate guide in child-rearing. In the same vein, there are no hard answers to dating with children either. After I, a single mother, stumbled through the dark, knocking over things, and bumping my head against things, I´ve found my system, I´ve gotten a hold of my groove, and I´ve learned how to be a lot more thorough in my research of the men I have my sights on.

In my soon to be released book, Raise the Red Teddy: A Single Mother´s Guide to Dating, I list a few questions for single mother´s to ponder and investigate, encouraging women to hold their love interest´s answers in their minds; not only hearing his words, but also using her eyes and ears to read in between the lines of his response.

What are his long-term goals?

This is a common question any woman should find out. The single mother´s interest in the question is a little different though. For example, if the man she´s with (or wants to be with) wants to have more children, it may be more important for her to know his timeline, because she already has children, and if her child is 15, she has to debate whether or not she is willing to have her children´s ages that far apart – where potentially there isn´t much interaction between the two of them as it´s harder for them to relate to each other.

What type of relationship does he have with his mother?

Though it is not always the case, I have found, that men who have strained relationships with their mothers, tend to be less respectful to women and their feelings. On the other hand, men who are extremely close with their mothers have to be observed further, because in the end, you don´t want to be with anyone who allows his mother to dictate the relationship. If his mother is too involved in his life, it should raise a flag.

What does he like most about you?

If his main attraction to you is your body or your looks, it´s a superficial thrill, which can be just dandy if you´re only looking for something quick and hot, but when you have children it should never be enough if you´re looking for something substantial. If he can´t tell you what it is, that should raise another flag, either he´s a poor communicator; or he´s too ashamed to say; or he´s retarded.

Is he a spiritual person?

I´m not talking about religious - as in going to church everyday. I´m talking about, is he is in tune to his soul? Does he have a conscience? Is the spirit he possesses a good one? Of course, this question will take more investigation on the single mother´s part than just the actual response he gives to it. Though it will not be a light one, it should at least be an interesting conversation.

His words may be sweet and his smile may be mesmerizing, but it´s important for you, the single mother, to know where his head is. Even more importantly, during your investigation, it´s important to know where your head is. I know, it is so hard to be objective when it comes to romance because your heart wants to run the show, however, your self-esteem should high enough that the desire for love and acceptance from a man does not trump the love you have for your children and the desire to raise them in a happy and healthy environment.

Pop quiz:

Should he get his feathers all crumpled about you asking such things from him… it should do what?

Answer:

Raise another flag!