Attention: The Scarlet Letter Now Goes from Valerie Bartinelli to Eliot Spitzer
Alice Aspen March
March 20, 2008
Attention: The Scarlet Letter Now Goes from Valerie Bartinelli to Eliot Spitzer.
Why do "happily" long-term married people commit adultery? Obviously there are many reasons, but I know that one of them is because their spouses can not or will not give them the specific kinds of attention they need.
Extensive research has shown that attention is our primary need. It doesn´t matter who we are: kids, parents, celebrities, sports figures, employees, employers, teens, students, travelers, teachers, nurses, patients, clients, dentists, brick layers, lab technicians, policeman, firemen, doctors, lawyers, Indian chiefs or the New York State Governor. We all need it!
Since, I first heard about Eliot Spitzer´s escapade, I have had to ask myself, "Why"? It appears as if he had enough money, prestige, education, family support. He´s been a powerful man with a lofty purpose. As New York´s attorney general for eight years, he aggressively prosecuted Wall Street fraud.
Then I started to read more about him. His father was a stern man, a "fierce, demanding parent" who could intimidate his son and was intent on teaching him "lessons", one of which was to "never defer to authority." I guess this means that you can break the rules, when you need to, when you aren´t getting the kind of attention you need and want.
We need to be listened to, heard, seen, acknowledged, supported, held and touched appropriately. We need this forever, in our earliest years, in school, as adults at work, with our partners and with ourselves.
It sounds so simple, doesn´t it? I remain curious, even after two decades of researching, writing and talking about the impact of attention, why quality attention-giving and getting isn´t a priority for all of us.
We certainly don´t seem to realize that we don´t all need the same kinds of attention. Even in the same family, with the same parents, kids need different kinds of attention. And when we don´t get the very kind we need, we need some so much; we will act out negatively to get any. Self-destructive behavior is rampant in today´s families, which are full of under-eating, over-eating, illness, alcoholism, drug abuse, and lack of respect for personal and physical boundaries, even violence. New research from the prestigious Menninger Clinic claims that lack of needed attention is the prime reason for adults´ self- cutting themselves. Indeed, the kind of attention we get is the root cause of our feelings and our behavior.
Our culture has traditionally not supported peoples´ expressing their feelings. Let´s take crying, for instance. Boys have been shamed and punished for crying; research now shows that tears carry toxins out of our systems and prevent physical symptoms, which later can lead to disease. We take our attention deficits from our childhoods to school, to work and on to our own adult families. The kind of attention we get in our childhoods, we carry forever. What we have seen role modeled, we take with us. How our parents handle their personal stresses is how we handle ours, until we decide that doesn´t work for us and we find new ways to behave.
When a family member dies, or gets sick or is disabled in any way, the other family members need attention to handle their feelings. I remember sitting on the beach one summer talking to a cousin about his younger brother who was learning and emotionally disabled; he was so ashamed that he never brought anyone to his home to visit or play. And his mother needed him to be the perfect "other son" so she could feel all right. There is no "human-perfect". When we´re expected to be perfect to meet out parents´ expectations, we carry very large burdens and feel like failures, less than valuable and incapable of pleasing our parents, who we need to like us. Those feelings of shame, lack of value and parental disappointment linger forever.
There is much media coverage today of celebrities and others who are drugging, drinking, withdrawing, over-eating, under eating, having accidents, getting sick, cutting themselves, abusing others, getting caught for having affairs: all behaviors which get others´ attention. I didn´t know much about attention-need, until I went looking for the role I played in my youngest son´s dysfunctional behavior. I was terrified that his drug using could kill him
I changed my life style and became the available ear, had the available refrigerator and became the available driver. And I listened a lot; I still was just looking for clues. Luckily, I had an epiphany over the word Attention and went looking everywhere I could find that particular word. I didn´t see it much. Actually the word itself is predominately associated with the initials ADD and ADHD, which stand for Attention Deficit Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, labels to describe short attention spans and frenetic behavior which are really attention getting behaviors.
I did extensive research for over two years, until I discovered I had a new perspective about attention. Then I started writing and speaking to share what I had discovered.
I will always be grateful and feel fortunate that I found the answers I was looking for; my son has told me that I saved his life.
I would hope that Mr. Spitzer goes looking now for how his childhood impacted him. What did having a stern father mean in his personal development? Did he have to behave like he did, finally creating such a public melt-down for himself and for his family?
Why do "happily" long-term married people commit adultery? Obviously there are many reasons, but I know that one of them is because their spouses can not or will not give them the specific kinds of attention they need.
Extensive research has shown that attention is our primary need. It doesn´t matter who we are: kids, parents, celebrities, sports figures, employees, employers, teens, students, travelers, teachers, nurses, patients, clients, dentists, brick layers, lab technicians, policeman, firemen, doctors, lawyers, Indian chiefs or the New York State Governor. We all need it!
Since, I first heard about Eliot Spitzer´s escapade, I have had to ask myself, "Why"? It appears as if he had enough money, prestige, education, family support. He´s been a powerful man with a lofty purpose. As New York´s attorney general for eight years, he aggressively prosecuted Wall Street fraud.
Then I started to read more about him. His father was a stern man, a "fierce, demanding parent" who could intimidate his son and was intent on teaching him "lessons", one of which was to "never defer to authority." I guess this means that you can break the rules, when you need to, when you aren´t getting the kind of attention you need and want.
We need to be listened to, heard, seen, acknowledged, supported, held and touched appropriately. We need this forever, in our earliest years, in school, as adults at work, with our partners and with ourselves.
It sounds so simple, doesn´t it? I remain curious, even after two decades of researching, writing and talking about the impact of attention, why quality attention-giving and getting isn´t a priority for all of us.
We certainly don´t seem to realize that we don´t all need the same kinds of attention. Even in the same family, with the same parents, kids need different kinds of attention. And when we don´t get the very kind we need, we need some so much; we will act out negatively to get any. Self-destructive behavior is rampant in today´s families, which are full of under-eating, over-eating, illness, alcoholism, drug abuse, and lack of respect for personal and physical boundaries, even violence. New research from the prestigious Menninger Clinic claims that lack of needed attention is the prime reason for adults´ self- cutting themselves. Indeed, the kind of attention we get is the root cause of our feelings and our behavior.
Our culture has traditionally not supported peoples´ expressing their feelings. Let´s take crying, for instance. Boys have been shamed and punished for crying; research now shows that tears carry toxins out of our systems and prevent physical symptoms, which later can lead to disease. We take our attention deficits from our childhoods to school, to work and on to our own adult families. The kind of attention we get in our childhoods, we carry forever. What we have seen role modeled, we take with us. How our parents handle their personal stresses is how we handle ours, until we decide that doesn´t work for us and we find new ways to behave.
When a family member dies, or gets sick or is disabled in any way, the other family members need attention to handle their feelings. I remember sitting on the beach one summer talking to a cousin about his younger brother who was learning and emotionally disabled; he was so ashamed that he never brought anyone to his home to visit or play. And his mother needed him to be the perfect "other son" so she could feel all right. There is no "human-perfect". When we´re expected to be perfect to meet out parents´ expectations, we carry very large burdens and feel like failures, less than valuable and incapable of pleasing our parents, who we need to like us. Those feelings of shame, lack of value and parental disappointment linger forever.
There is much media coverage today of celebrities and others who are drugging, drinking, withdrawing, over-eating, under eating, having accidents, getting sick, cutting themselves, abusing others, getting caught for having affairs: all behaviors which get others´ attention. I didn´t know much about attention-need, until I went looking for the role I played in my youngest son´s dysfunctional behavior. I was terrified that his drug using could kill him
I changed my life style and became the available ear, had the available refrigerator and became the available driver. And I listened a lot; I still was just looking for clues. Luckily, I had an epiphany over the word Attention and went looking everywhere I could find that particular word. I didn´t see it much. Actually the word itself is predominately associated with the initials ADD and ADHD, which stand for Attention Deficit Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, labels to describe short attention spans and frenetic behavior which are really attention getting behaviors.
I did extensive research for over two years, until I discovered I had a new perspective about attention. Then I started writing and speaking to share what I had discovered.
I will always be grateful and feel fortunate that I found the answers I was looking for; my son has told me that I saved his life.
I would hope that Mr. Spitzer goes looking now for how his childhood impacted him. What did having a stern father mean in his personal development? Did he have to behave like he did, finally creating such a public melt-down for himself and for his family?
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