The Attention Factor Guide For Working Mothers
Alice Aspen March
March 03, 2008
In today´s world, mothers really have two full time jobs: one at home and one at work, and, often, you need more time and support than you´ve got. You know the amount of active energy you use getting your family ready to start each day! Before you even can go to work, you´ve been busy getting yourself ready, getting your children fed and ready for wherever they´re going and meeting some of her partner´s needs. When that process runs smoothly, you´re able to maintain your energy and vigor to put in a full productive, creative day at your other job. That´s one scenario. When getting out the door involves several confrontations, emotional melt-downs and delays, the whole family suffers and you get caught right in the middle of it all.
What to do?
Give yourself enough time and attention to think ahead and plan ahead, to take the drama out of family interactions. Know that attention must be paid to each and every family member, when they need it, when it´s appropriate and, sometimes, even at inconvenient times. Know that active listening and honest, open communication are essential to take upsetting, unsettling drama out of your family.
Hold family meetings and maintain a family calendar, two musts for today´s busy families. The older your children, the more they need to contribute to the overall family system, to own their part in it. The earlier you start to create such a system, the more everyone will participate, appreciate its value and know their contributions. A family is really a small corporation with different personalities, responsibilities, and attention needs. Protect and build in open communication. Make a conscious effort to verbally acknowledge and respect everyone´s different needs for attention with declarative statements like, "I see you need some special help with your homework, I hear you´re asking for suggestions in handling your new relationship, I see you´re feeling left out in this discussion, I know you need my attention, and right now I have to take this call; I´ll get back to you"…and follow through.
Create house rules which each family member helps to design and agrees to. Let your group know that it can redesign and alter your rules, when they need adjusting. It´s important to get everyone to buy into them. Draw boundaries about use of technology, TV, video games, computers, ear phones for everyone. Be aware of how much time family members are disconnecting from each other. It´s essential to have as many dinners together as possible, to exchange the news of the day. Research shows that families who eat dinner together live more positive, healthier lives.
Before the beginning of a new school year, calendar a time when everyone can have some quiet time together, definitely over a meal. Ask, ask and re-ask what specific kinds of attention each family member needs to feel supported, respected, safe and protected in the family. Some may not know immediately, so give them permission to take more time to answer. Collectively hand out jobs which can take the drama out of hectic times. If being on time is an issue, talk about that. Often people are late to get attention. Ask for suggestions how the other family members can help each other with certain problems or issues. When you take the time to discuss areas of distress, when everyone´s together and relaxed, family members can feel safe enough to make suggestions for change.
Take each child separately out for a special meal, treat, or event. Be present when you´re together. Remember you´re on a date; turn off your cell phones, your blackberries and be with them. And, of course, make time for you and your partner to have fun times alone and together.
Talk about feelings. Do whatever it takes to avoid creating competition between siblings. If one of your children feels left out, take time to discover what they need to feel included and supported. Watch for and build on the strengths of your children, by creating opportunities for them to feel and be successful. When kids and partners withdraw emotionally and "act out", realize they want and need your attention. Ask what´s bothering them and listen carefully for their answers. Discover family activities to share to create make fond memories. Have a family photographer who also puts photos in albums.
Remember that you are role-modeling 24/7. When you´re tired and feeling used up, tell your kids that you need a "time-out," if it´s only for ten minutes. Paying attention to your feelings is an important value for everyone to see and understand. Ask for help, when you need help. Bring in mentors, tutors, coaches, baby-sitters, when you can. Let your kids learn how to support you, as you support them. Give them small tasks: watching the clock to give you your "time-out", answer the phone, set the table for dinner. When your "better half" arrives home feeling beat up after a bad time at work or a trip away, give them space to regroup. Demonstrate that you and everyone else make mistakes and what´s really important is how you recover from them.
Consciously create quiet and dream time for everyone. Create ways for your kids to become aware of others´ needs: make a call to a sick relative, make a personal celebration card, offer to run an errand for someone, say "thank you" for gifts.
Realize that as a mother, you´ve signed on for a labor intensive job that demands abundant attention; you´re making vital investments in your children´s futures which is a huge contribution to the future of our world. You´re giving your kids the wings they need to fly. Time goes by so quickly; you and your partner will one day have an empty nest. Be sure that you both give it enough attention to create a safe and strong refuge!
Alice Aspen March
What to do?
Give yourself enough time and attention to think ahead and plan ahead, to take the drama out of family interactions. Know that attention must be paid to each and every family member, when they need it, when it´s appropriate and, sometimes, even at inconvenient times. Know that active listening and honest, open communication are essential to take upsetting, unsettling drama out of your family.
Hold family meetings and maintain a family calendar, two musts for today´s busy families. The older your children, the more they need to contribute to the overall family system, to own their part in it. The earlier you start to create such a system, the more everyone will participate, appreciate its value and know their contributions. A family is really a small corporation with different personalities, responsibilities, and attention needs. Protect and build in open communication. Make a conscious effort to verbally acknowledge and respect everyone´s different needs for attention with declarative statements like, "I see you need some special help with your homework, I hear you´re asking for suggestions in handling your new relationship, I see you´re feeling left out in this discussion, I know you need my attention, and right now I have to take this call; I´ll get back to you"…and follow through.
Create house rules which each family member helps to design and agrees to. Let your group know that it can redesign and alter your rules, when they need adjusting. It´s important to get everyone to buy into them. Draw boundaries about use of technology, TV, video games, computers, ear phones for everyone. Be aware of how much time family members are disconnecting from each other. It´s essential to have as many dinners together as possible, to exchange the news of the day. Research shows that families who eat dinner together live more positive, healthier lives.
Before the beginning of a new school year, calendar a time when everyone can have some quiet time together, definitely over a meal. Ask, ask and re-ask what specific kinds of attention each family member needs to feel supported, respected, safe and protected in the family. Some may not know immediately, so give them permission to take more time to answer. Collectively hand out jobs which can take the drama out of hectic times. If being on time is an issue, talk about that. Often people are late to get attention. Ask for suggestions how the other family members can help each other with certain problems or issues. When you take the time to discuss areas of distress, when everyone´s together and relaxed, family members can feel safe enough to make suggestions for change.
Take each child separately out for a special meal, treat, or event. Be present when you´re together. Remember you´re on a date; turn off your cell phones, your blackberries and be with them. And, of course, make time for you and your partner to have fun times alone and together.
Talk about feelings. Do whatever it takes to avoid creating competition between siblings. If one of your children feels left out, take time to discover what they need to feel included and supported. Watch for and build on the strengths of your children, by creating opportunities for them to feel and be successful. When kids and partners withdraw emotionally and "act out", realize they want and need your attention. Ask what´s bothering them and listen carefully for their answers. Discover family activities to share to create make fond memories. Have a family photographer who also puts photos in albums.
Remember that you are role-modeling 24/7. When you´re tired and feeling used up, tell your kids that you need a "time-out," if it´s only for ten minutes. Paying attention to your feelings is an important value for everyone to see and understand. Ask for help, when you need help. Bring in mentors, tutors, coaches, baby-sitters, when you can. Let your kids learn how to support you, as you support them. Give them small tasks: watching the clock to give you your "time-out", answer the phone, set the table for dinner. When your "better half" arrives home feeling beat up after a bad time at work or a trip away, give them space to regroup. Demonstrate that you and everyone else make mistakes and what´s really important is how you recover from them.
Consciously create quiet and dream time for everyone. Create ways for your kids to become aware of others´ needs: make a call to a sick relative, make a personal celebration card, offer to run an errand for someone, say "thank you" for gifts.
Realize that as a mother, you´ve signed on for a labor intensive job that demands abundant attention; you´re making vital investments in your children´s futures which is a huge contribution to the future of our world. You´re giving your kids the wings they need to fly. Time goes by so quickly; you and your partner will one day have an empty nest. Be sure that you both give it enough attention to create a safe and strong refuge!
Alice Aspen March
Print
Email
