Hungry cats? Lost love? Freeloading kids? WITBONES -- Ask A Humorist!

Trouble on the homefront? Overworked at the office? Can´t find the humor in anything anymore? WITBONES - "Ask A Humorist!", the new advice column from syndicated humor columnist B. Elwin Sherman, may just change your life, with a smile or two to spare.

One disclaimer: If you need serious help from an "Agony Aunt," please call your mother´s sister first. If she´s busy and already has enough trouble with your agony uncle, WITBONES - "Ask A Humorist!" is here for you.

DEAR WITBONES:

I had to bring home tuna fish for my cat when the store ran out of my favorite kitty chow. Now, my cat will only eat tuna fish. What can I do? Signed: FISH STORY IN FRANCONIA

Dear FISH STORY:

It´s well-known that cats have the ability to see ghosts. They can also levitate rapidly without any apparent means of (forgive me) catapulting themselves, and will often do this without warning or apparent provocation.

These two abilities suggest that cats have a deeper visual acuity than we can comprehend. As a dog-person living with two cats, I think I can help. You have two options:

1. Feed your cat tuna fish. An expensive route, but tuna fish is chockfull of Omega-3 fatty acids, and research shows that these polyunsaturates may be helpful in treating anxiety and depression.

We know that cats are the only creatures that can simultaneously appear nervous and gloomy while defying gravity, so this may be beneficial. It may not be, however. These are the same university researchers who "discovered" that as joggers get older, they don´t run as fast.

2. Save the tuna fish can labels, carefully remove them, and place them on cat food cans. DO NOT let your cat see you doing this or you can consider your ankle a permanent scratching post.

Thanks for Witboning, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

I´m tired of looking for love in all the wrong places, and still no Mr. Right in sight. My friends keep telling me to go online, so I want to get a computer. Then what? Signed: LONELY IN LITTLETON

Dear LONELY:

There are no "wrong places" to look for love. It´s just as possible, these days, to make the wrong choices in the right places, so first of all, don´t rule out anything, or anywhere.

Mr. Right could be sweeping up in the pool hall, and Mr. Wrong might be curating at the art museum. Keep your options open.

As for a new computer, it sounds like this is your first outing with one. You´d probably have better luck seducing the guy at the computer store than you would wading through Windows and the cyber singles circuit. Next time, try passing up the Byzantine Art exhibition, and instead drop in for a game of eight-ball on the way home.

Thanks for Witboning, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

My kids are all grown up but they won't leave home. I thought these would be my Golden Years but I'm still shelling out money for gas, buying milk by the barrel, and can't find my remote control. What can I do? Signed: WITLESS IN WELLS RIVER

Dear WITLESS:

If you´re in your "Golden Years," then your kids must still be living at home in their fifties. I´m not surprised that you´ve finally lost your "remote control," because that´s obviously the only kind you´ve had for some time.

If your middle-aged offspring haven´t gotten the hint by now, they never will. At this late date, the only way left for you to change their lives is by changing yours. I´d suggest the following:

Stop buying groceries and remove your car battery. Then, start a tuba band, take up the bagpipes, and have nightly rehearsals at your house.

When you write-in six months from now complaining that you never see your children anymore, we´ll deal with it.

Thanks for Witboning, and keep me posted.

DEAR WITBONES:

The days seem to be getting a little longer, but not fast enough for me. I´ve thought of going to Florida but I´m afraid of manatees. How can I last until Spring? Signed: HUNKERED DOWN IN HAVERHILL

Dear HUNKERED:

I don´t want to alarm you, and try not to think about this, but manatees have recently been spotted as far north as Cape Cod. This means that if one of them turned left into Connecticut and followed the river, with a portage or two it could eventually make its way into Haverhill, NH, coming ashore at Bedell Bridge State Park, and with the help of a sympathetic motorist, make its way to your house.

If you hear a heavy thudding sound on your porch, I wouldn´t answer the door. Meanwhile, try a sun lamp.

Thanks for Witboning, and keep me posted.

Copyright 2008 by B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved. Questions for WITBONES - "Ask A Humorist!" may be submitted to: WITBONES - "Ask A Humorist!", c/o B. Elwin Sherman, P.O. Box 360, Bethlehem, NH, 03574. Or, you may e-mail Elwin.