Are You Living Vicariously Through Your Children?

Has it ever crossed your mind as you took your daughter to her ballet recital or  your son to his riding lesson, that you are enjoying this more than they are?

Is it wrong to want to offer your children the things you once wanted and, perhaps didn´t have?

Of course not. As long as they want those things too.

If your wishes, wants and dreams begin to crowd out those of your children, you may have a problem. This type of vicarious living, in which your children may never get to develop their own interests or grow into their own people, is not what being a parent is all about.

You may be living vicariously through your children if you:

Talk more about their activities than they do

Are more emotionally invested in their activities than they are (did you cry when your daughter lost the science fair, while she just brushed it off?)

Constantly give your child instruction and critiques of their activities and life

Feel your status or self-esteem rides on your child´s achievements

Say "we" to describe your child´s life ("We need to practice more so next time we´ll win.")

Most children aim to please their parents, so if they sense that their involvement  makes you happy, they will likely continue for your benefit. That is not to say, that over time they will not begin to resent you for it. And, in the long-run, when your child grows older he will definitely not appreciate having sacrificed his own childhood to make up for yours.

If you sense that you may be trying to live out the life you´ve always wanted through your children, there is good news. You can still accomplish your goals, and you don´t need to pressure your child into doing it for you.

"When you live vicariously through others you sometimes get great enjoyment," says Hale Dwoskin, CEO and Director of Training at Sedona Training Associates. "However, at other times living through others is based on a feeling that you cannot accomplish what you choose or have what you desire. This is often just a belief that living through others is only masking."

The key to giving up vicarious living in favor of truly living is to let go of the doubts, fears, or guilty feelings that are holding you back. For instance, if you´ve always wanted to be a chef, what´s stopping you from doing it? Most likely, your own apprehension.

So instead of telling yourself that you "can´t," it´s time to start saying "I can." The Sedona Method can help you to release the negative "what ifs" that are sabotaging your efforts to live the life you want.

"The best way to add vigor and excitement to your life is to live it for yourself -- moment to moment," Dwoskin says. "Meanwhile, let go of any beliefs or memories that are telling you that you can´t, or shouldn´t, live life fully."