Love Coach Learns Love Secret From Dermatologist
Wendy Lapidus-Saltz
February 09, 2008
This article does not involve doctor-patient sex. Nor is it x-rated. If you´re disappointed, sorry. But what I learned from my new skin doctor could change your life, as it did mine. And I promise: we won´t dwell upon unsavory skin conditions. Because this article is about love, attraction, relationship, and connection.
Long story short: I had a bit of a rash on my leg, and my usual dermatologist was on maternity leave. They scheduled me with a new, young, male doctor. He looked at my leg, asked a few questions, and said he had a great new cream for me. Then I told him my face gets red after I wash it, so he prescribed a facial wash for that.
Then I mentioned that my face was also unusually dry. "I know it´s winter," I said, "but it´s like face dandruff!"
"I don´t see anything that looks like dandruff," he said evenly.
"But I see it," I whined, "every single morning."
He looked again. "Nothing."
"But when I look in my magnifying mirror—" I said.
"Oh." He smiled and then became quiet. For a very long time.
"Okay, I know how you need to handle this," he said, looking quite seriously at the skin of my forehead.
"Yes?"
"Just a minute." He examined further. "Hmmmmm."
"So," I asked tentatively, "What do you think?"
"I think—" and he paused here, "I think—throw away that magnifying mirror!"
Now I laugh about it. And I can see that it has applications far beyond skin, and medicine, and doctors.
We all need to throw away our magnifiers, especially when it comes to relationships. I´m not suggesting that we wear rose-colored glasses from the moment we meet a potentially-special someone. (Of course, deep into married life, it would be an excellent idea.)
I´m just saying that no one is perfect, including you, and we´d all be boring and un-relatable if we were.
More important is the way we begin searching for faults and flaws. In the dating world, it seems to coincide with the moment we begin becoming really interested in someone.
On one hand, that´s perfectly reasonable.
When you date, you may fall in love, and when you fall in love, you become attached. You may choose to marry or live together. And nothing can mess up your life like being with the absolutely-wrong person. You know this. Which is part of the reason you´re cautious.
But only part of the reason.
The other part is sheer fear. That´s when something good starts to look like something too good to be true, and you begin worrying that you might be duping yourself.
But even worse, you may secretly worry that it really is that good. So good, you´d want to commit.
Once you commit, all those cuties and hotties get cordoned off, unavailable to you.
And what if this doesn´t turn out? And what if…and what if…?
That´s when the magnifier gets taken out of its protective pouch and held up, in bright light, above your love interest. You begin inspecting for flaws. And there are few of us who don´t have them. Oh, how utterly boring those folks are! And how little they´ll be able to understand and appreciate the delightfully-flawed, very-human You.
Check the broad strokes: Do you feel attracted to this person, intrigued, connected? Are there ways you are delightfully different and ways you are the same at the very core?
Or do you hear yourself telling your pals how you can always anticipate the next move that person will make? Do you say s/he is utterly perfect, or utterly perfect for you?
Check again. It´s an illusion. We create that "relationship blend" by growing together, sharing truths, being honest, and learning from each other while we keep our own essential natures intact. Through love, sex, relationship, crisis, joy.
So put away the magnifying glass. Whether it´s for scrutinizing you, or your potential love, or the match between the two of you. Don´t worry, significant flaws will be seen without it. Significant pleasures, too.
And the rest, the small, inconsequential, funny things will just make you comfortably human, together. And give you good stories to tell when you´re old and still laughing with each other through false teeth. ©2008 by Wendy Lapidus-Saltz. All rights reserved.
Long story short: I had a bit of a rash on my leg, and my usual dermatologist was on maternity leave. They scheduled me with a new, young, male doctor. He looked at my leg, asked a few questions, and said he had a great new cream for me. Then I told him my face gets red after I wash it, so he prescribed a facial wash for that.
Then I mentioned that my face was also unusually dry. "I know it´s winter," I said, "but it´s like face dandruff!"
"I don´t see anything that looks like dandruff," he said evenly.
"But I see it," I whined, "every single morning."
He looked again. "Nothing."
"But when I look in my magnifying mirror—" I said.
"Oh." He smiled and then became quiet. For a very long time.
"Okay, I know how you need to handle this," he said, looking quite seriously at the skin of my forehead.
"Yes?"
"Just a minute." He examined further. "Hmmmmm."
"So," I asked tentatively, "What do you think?"
"I think—" and he paused here, "I think—throw away that magnifying mirror!"
Now I laugh about it. And I can see that it has applications far beyond skin, and medicine, and doctors.
We all need to throw away our magnifiers, especially when it comes to relationships. I´m not suggesting that we wear rose-colored glasses from the moment we meet a potentially-special someone. (Of course, deep into married life, it would be an excellent idea.)
I´m just saying that no one is perfect, including you, and we´d all be boring and un-relatable if we were.
More important is the way we begin searching for faults and flaws. In the dating world, it seems to coincide with the moment we begin becoming really interested in someone.
On one hand, that´s perfectly reasonable.
When you date, you may fall in love, and when you fall in love, you become attached. You may choose to marry or live together. And nothing can mess up your life like being with the absolutely-wrong person. You know this. Which is part of the reason you´re cautious.
But only part of the reason.
The other part is sheer fear. That´s when something good starts to look like something too good to be true, and you begin worrying that you might be duping yourself.
But even worse, you may secretly worry that it really is that good. So good, you´d want to commit.
Once you commit, all those cuties and hotties get cordoned off, unavailable to you.
And what if this doesn´t turn out? And what if…and what if…?
That´s when the magnifier gets taken out of its protective pouch and held up, in bright light, above your love interest. You begin inspecting for flaws. And there are few of us who don´t have them. Oh, how utterly boring those folks are! And how little they´ll be able to understand and appreciate the delightfully-flawed, very-human You.
Check the broad strokes: Do you feel attracted to this person, intrigued, connected? Are there ways you are delightfully different and ways you are the same at the very core?
Or do you hear yourself telling your pals how you can always anticipate the next move that person will make? Do you say s/he is utterly perfect, or utterly perfect for you?
Check again. It´s an illusion. We create that "relationship blend" by growing together, sharing truths, being honest, and learning from each other while we keep our own essential natures intact. Through love, sex, relationship, crisis, joy.
So put away the magnifying glass. Whether it´s for scrutinizing you, or your potential love, or the match between the two of you. Don´t worry, significant flaws will be seen without it. Significant pleasures, too.
And the rest, the small, inconsequential, funny things will just make you comfortably human, together. And give you good stories to tell when you´re old and still laughing with each other through false teeth. ©2008 by Wendy Lapidus-Saltz. All rights reserved.
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