A Funeral Choice: Only Family Officiates at Farewells

Berile and Connie Stander's family has created a tradition for saying farewell. In their family, the funeral services don't focus on religion and clergy don't officiate. Instead, only immediate family and close friends gather together at graveside. One family member leads the service as each person who wants to speak shares memories about their loved one. The graveside service lasts less than thirty minutes. Afterwards, additional family and friends attend a reception at the family home.

"We're not into the spectacles that funerals sometimes are these days. We've seen twenty speakers at a funeral and none of them talked about the person who died. I hate the three-hour funeral. I think I'm going to die before it's over," Stander said with a hearty laugh. "For us, it's more personal than all that."

Turned off to organized religion more than once over the course of his life, Stander and his family started the tradition for family-led farewells when his five-year-old grandson, Jake, died in a house fire in 1975.

"It was sad. We didn't hold a church service; instead we held a graveside service. His little casket was carried out and then we shared stories, my son read a poem, part of which was engraved on the grave marker. Other family and friends attended a reception afterwards at the house. Later, we created a memorial for my grandson at the Santa Barbara Zoo," Stander explained. "When my wife, Connie, died only a few years ago, she wanted to be cremated. So, we held another family-led service at graveside. The urn was placed into the grave and we shared stories. No prayers, no officiant, but we took turns remembering her. It had meaning. She was buried next to my grandson. We purchased three gravesites together and one day I´ll be buried next to them."

Stander has attended about a dozen funerals in his 82 years.

"They're expensive, too long, drawn out, and boy, everybody seems so perfect after they die. You hear how great they were, when maybe that was true and maybe it wasn't," Stander said. "But, there's more to it than that. It should be meaningful to the close relatives such as grandparents, parents and children. Anyone can conduct a funeral service and consumers need to know they can do it themselves. We chose family-led graveside services followed by receptions where more friends are welcome back at the house."

Stander encourages older people to read Art Buchwald's humorous and honest book about facing death. Buchwald was expected to die from kidney failure, but rallied and had time to write another book. "Too Soon to Say Goodbye," which includes comic vignettes and details of his own funeral arrangements, was released in November 2006. Buchwald died in January 2007 at the age of 81.

"Art Buchwald's book was tremendous," Stander said. "It's a good book because he's celebrating his life through stories. He doesn't know what happens after you die, but he's not scared either."

Stander has his plans laid out when the time comes, but his farewell will not include religion. "I want to believe, but I don't. I'm a scientist. Most funeral homes only offer you clergy and that doesn't fit our needs," Stander explained. "So, when I die I have told my son and daughter exactly what I want for my funeral. My wife wanted to be cremated, so we honored her wishes. I want to be buried, so they'll honor my wishes. There won't be a church service, only close family and a couple of close friends at graveside sharing stories. My other friends can go to the house for a brief reception."

Stander remains a realist who is unafraid to discuss death, knowing that everyone has to go eventually. "When my time is over, that's it. I've had two great lives. One was with my original family in Louisiana. I was the youngest of six children and being the baby made me special in the family. We all became professionals; two of my oldest brothers became well-known physicians. All six of us served in World War II. My second life was spent in Los Angeles with my wonderful wife for 56 years, my tremendous son, daughter, and grandsons," Stander said. "For me, it's been a good life, no looking back and no fussing over me when my time is up!"

All rights reserved. No portion of this text may be reproduced in any way whatsoever without the prior express written consent of the author. This article is copyrighted material. If you wish to use copyrighted material for the purposes of 'fair use' for research and educational purposes, you must cite the columnist's name and the source as American Chronicle. Permission to reproduce article in full will be granted for research and educational purposes, but it must include all copyrights and credits with the information reproduced.