A Real Estate Ad Translation Dictionary
Dave Muskera, M.A.
November 30, 2007
Over the past few years, I’ve spent a fair amount of time looking at “for sale” properties. I think I may have even developed an addiction to flipping through the pictures and reading descriptions of real estate offerings in those colorful little magazines you find at the grocery check-out. They're a quick read and you don’t have to keep track of a plot.
I actually bought a little summer week-end place out in the country this past May, so I really have no need to continue looking. But hey, those little magazines make for great bathroom reading for addicts like me.
After years of making comparisons between how a property is “described” in an ad verses what it “really looks like”, I’m forced to conclude that buyers just might save time and energy if they only had available a real estate “ad phrase” translation dictionary. I think such a dictionary could help potential buyers make wiser choices about what to go look at and avoid surprises or disappointments.
So, at no cost to my readers, I will share my vast accumulated real estate knowledge. If you are in the market to buy a home at sometime in the future, this could be a lifesaver. And even if you have no such plans, it’s still a good idea to review these phrases. Remember, its buyer beware...or be-warned as the case may be:
Dave’s Real Estate Translation Dictionary (Part 1):
The phrase is presented in quotes with the translation following.
Located in the historic district”: The property is in a dilapidated part of town - full of other run down and neglected old houses. The plumbing and electrical works are vintage and original to the late 1800s.
Park like setting” - There is so much grounds maintenance with this steal of a buy that it will make your head swim and take up ever hour of your spare time while emptying your wallet at all the nearby plant nurseries.
Needs some TLC” - This unpolished jewel will require months of blood, sweat and tears and about $100,000 in renovation costs before you can spend the first night.
Attention investors” - Look out. Here comes a money pit! You just might end up investing big dollars to attract bad tenants who will destroy the property before you can even cash the first rent check.
New carpet and paint” - All supplies for these jobs were purchased at the local flea market and applied in hopes of covering up and distracting you from the several fatal flaws caused by termite and water damage.
Hardwood floors under carpet”- No one has any real idea what kind of shape the floors are in. They may actually be little more than exterior grade plywood. Or possibly the carpet was put down to cover the extensive damage done by the previous owners enjoyment of a wide variety of animals coming and going at all hours. If you ask to see the floors, they will have pre-selected, for your review, the only undamaged two square feet in the whole place.
A showplace” - The property is really tacked up with copious amounts of the latest wallpaper trims and a wide variety of exotic colors. It will take hours of time and enough energy to deforest Brazil to strip all this stuff, repaint and return the house to some semblance of normal. You may also have to use eye drops temporally to sooth the over stimulation of your optic nerves.
Good start on updates” - The owner has purchased a few cans of paint, a brush and a roller. But they’re still trying to figure out how to conceal that big crack in the foundation with a cheap and quickly built deck.
First time on the market” - The owner has finally found an agent desperate enough to list the property - one who did not laugh them out of the room when they mentioned their asking price.
Quite Country Setting” - If you can ignore the constant barking of the six coon dogs your neighbor keeps up the hollow, then the place is indeed almost quieter than an in- town house that’s located next to the neighborhood EMS station.
Breathtaking landscaping” - Another money and time pit. You’ll need an amount of fertilizer equal to what’s used on the west lawn of the White House - not to mention the plantings that will have to be done twice a year (needed to keep up the breathtaking view). Expect hours of work, unless your can afford to hire the same lawn service company that does the governor’s mansion in your state.
Highly motivated sellers” – It’s almost a sure bet that the owners are only one step ahead of bank repossession. Wait for that to happen and you can get it a lot cheaper.
Highly motivated sellers” - #2 - Also may mean that the owners know the place is about to fall in and they need to get it off their hands before the porch drops into a sinkhole that they told no-one about.
Move in condition” - For your first night in your new home, bring a sleeping bag, a can of bug spray and a flashlight (previous owners forgot to transfer the electric service).
Open Floor Plan” - The builder ran out of money before the house was finished. To keep within the reduced budget, he did a quick and dirty redesign on the back of a McDonald’s hamburger wraper that eliminated all the unnecessary interior walls.
In Ground Pool” - Another money pit waiting to happen. Actually, it’s already dug. Try to ignore the large crack at the bottom. But hey, you won’t even notice that because before you came out for your appointment to see the place, the owners filled the pool with summer float toys and darkened the water to cover the down below conditions.
Level corner lot” – This wonderful buy is probably located at the intersection of two major streets - one of which is the service route for the local hospital ER.
Custom built home” - The owner is married to a really short person. Hence all kitchen cabinets were custom built to a height that’s just right for your eight year old to use counter space for doing homework.
I actually bought a little summer week-end place out in the country this past May, so I really have no need to continue looking. But hey, those little magazines make for great bathroom reading for addicts like me.
After years of making comparisons between how a property is “described” in an ad verses what it “really looks like”, I’m forced to conclude that buyers just might save time and energy if they only had available a real estate “ad phrase” translation dictionary. I think such a dictionary could help potential buyers make wiser choices about what to go look at and avoid surprises or disappointments.
So, at no cost to my readers, I will share my vast accumulated real estate knowledge. If you are in the market to buy a home at sometime in the future, this could be a lifesaver. And even if you have no such plans, it’s still a good idea to review these phrases. Remember, its buyer beware...or be-warned as the case may be:
Dave’s Real Estate Translation Dictionary (Part 1):
The phrase is presented in quotes with the translation following.
Located in the historic district”: The property is in a dilapidated part of town - full of other run down and neglected old houses. The plumbing and electrical works are vintage and original to the late 1800s.
Park like setting” - There is so much grounds maintenance with this steal of a buy that it will make your head swim and take up ever hour of your spare time while emptying your wallet at all the nearby plant nurseries.
Needs some TLC” - This unpolished jewel will require months of blood, sweat and tears and about $100,000 in renovation costs before you can spend the first night.
Attention investors” - Look out. Here comes a money pit! You just might end up investing big dollars to attract bad tenants who will destroy the property before you can even cash the first rent check.
New carpet and paint” - All supplies for these jobs were purchased at the local flea market and applied in hopes of covering up and distracting you from the several fatal flaws caused by termite and water damage.
Hardwood floors under carpet”- No one has any real idea what kind of shape the floors are in. They may actually be little more than exterior grade plywood. Or possibly the carpet was put down to cover the extensive damage done by the previous owners enjoyment of a wide variety of animals coming and going at all hours. If you ask to see the floors, they will have pre-selected, for your review, the only undamaged two square feet in the whole place.
A showplace” - The property is really tacked up with copious amounts of the latest wallpaper trims and a wide variety of exotic colors. It will take hours of time and enough energy to deforest Brazil to strip all this stuff, repaint and return the house to some semblance of normal. You may also have to use eye drops temporally to sooth the over stimulation of your optic nerves.
Good start on updates” - The owner has purchased a few cans of paint, a brush and a roller. But they’re still trying to figure out how to conceal that big crack in the foundation with a cheap and quickly built deck.
First time on the market” - The owner has finally found an agent desperate enough to list the property - one who did not laugh them out of the room when they mentioned their asking price.
Quite Country Setting” - If you can ignore the constant barking of the six coon dogs your neighbor keeps up the hollow, then the place is indeed almost quieter than an in- town house that’s located next to the neighborhood EMS station.
Breathtaking landscaping” - Another money and time pit. You’ll need an amount of fertilizer equal to what’s used on the west lawn of the White House - not to mention the plantings that will have to be done twice a year (needed to keep up the breathtaking view). Expect hours of work, unless your can afford to hire the same lawn service company that does the governor’s mansion in your state.
Highly motivated sellers” – It’s almost a sure bet that the owners are only one step ahead of bank repossession. Wait for that to happen and you can get it a lot cheaper.
Highly motivated sellers” - #2 - Also may mean that the owners know the place is about to fall in and they need to get it off their hands before the porch drops into a sinkhole that they told no-one about.
Move in condition” - For your first night in your new home, bring a sleeping bag, a can of bug spray and a flashlight (previous owners forgot to transfer the electric service).
Open Floor Plan” - The builder ran out of money before the house was finished. To keep within the reduced budget, he did a quick and dirty redesign on the back of a McDonald’s hamburger wraper that eliminated all the unnecessary interior walls.
In Ground Pool” - Another money pit waiting to happen. Actually, it’s already dug. Try to ignore the large crack at the bottom. But hey, you won’t even notice that because before you came out for your appointment to see the place, the owners filled the pool with summer float toys and darkened the water to cover the down below conditions.
Level corner lot” – This wonderful buy is probably located at the intersection of two major streets - one of which is the service route for the local hospital ER.
Custom built home” - The owner is married to a really short person. Hence all kitchen cabinets were custom built to a height that’s just right for your eight year old to use counter space for doing homework.
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