Newsaphrenia: Etiology and Treatment - Or How to Catch a News Freak.
Dave Muskera, M.A.
November 18, 2007
I wrote this longwinded piece a few years ago. It’s a satirical take-off on news freaks done in the writing style and structure of the diagnostic bible of the American Psychiatric Association - the DSM-IV (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual- Fourth Edition). It’s intended as humor. I hope it comes across that way. I call it "for fun psychobabble."
Newsaphrenia: Etiology and Treatment
Newsaphrenia is a psychological condition arising from the habitual and compulsive viewing of media news programming, particularly television but also involving other media types including but not limited to newspapers, news magazines and AM talk radio. The condition can be further exacerbated by participation in online forums and webblogs.
The Newsaphrenic symptom array is similar to that found in Existential Angst (see page 154 of the DSM-IV - the diagnostic manual of mental disorders) but tends to involve a greater number of overt psycho-physical signs such as rapid heartbeat, eye rolling and mouth twitching, uncontrolled leg jiggling and chronic verbal interruption of anyone speaking on a political or economic topic.
Newsaphrenics become increasingly fearful of darkened parking lots. Any stranger they may see hanging about (within 27 feet) of a schoolyard is likely to be the object of a wipe-out attack by a team of eight pit bulls. In milder cases, fears may center on such things as how many carcinogens might be encountered in the elevator at work or whether the Windy burger just eaten for lunch might have been exposed to mad-cow disease.
A deep seated (but none-the-less delusional) conviction that they know all there is to know about all there is to know is also characteristic of all degrees of this disorder. Underneath this conviction is an even more deeply buried anxiety related to the unremitting fear that they might somehow miss a vital piece of news. Hence, newsaphrenia often leads to insomnia. During non-sleep hours it is typical for newsaphrenics to relentlessly browse the Internet in search of acceptable news information often in a frantic effort to counter-argue the postings of one of their many arch posting rivals in political debate forums. Those without Internet access may be unable to turn-off their TVs for fear of missing some important new piece of news or analysis.
Newsaphrenics tend to develop strong paranoid features. The disorder leads them to believe that everyone is out to steal their money (called taxation) and take a free ride in their car. On the other hand, some newsaphrenics become convinced that everyone should give them their money (called redistribution of wealth)so they can even buy a car.
At the first hint from a news source that the Country has gone to yellow alert, newsaphrenics easily stampede into action and will strip bare the duck-tape and plastic sheeting shelves of local Lowes and Home Depot stores in a matter of only a few hours. These same patients will often show a history of similar behaviors when they reveal that they had four months food and water stocked-piled in their basements while awaiting the celebration of the year 2000. An even more worrisome and negative prognostic indictor is the discovery that next to the stores of food and water were enough guns and ammunition to supply the Fourth Calvary.
Newsaphrenics also typically insist that others fit into their pre-determined categories of right and wrong, truth and untruth. They show a strange affinity for either the right hand or the left. Concomitantly, spousal abuse and neglect have been known to occur. The divorce rate for newsaphrenics is above the national average.
Permanently bent, swollen and knurled keyboard fingers are also sometimes seen in these persons. If these conditions develop, physical therapy intervention is most often required. Such collateral physical conditions, when found, should be diagnostically noted on Axis III.
While physical disorders are not causally related to newsaphrenia - persons suffering the end stages of this disorder often lose weight and appear gaunt and red-eyed. They may drool and slobber as they speak or while typing furiously at their computer keyboards (particularly if they are participating in a political bulletin board or writing webblogs of similar content).
On the other hand, early stage newsaphrenia is generally not observed till after age 25 though exceptions have been documented in children under 12 raised in extreme environments where news programming was substituted for Sesame Street or in homes where children were severally disciplined when caught watching Mr. Rodger’s Liberal Neighborhood.
If newsaphrenia develops before age 18, it has been found to be incurable or, at best, kept under some control via heavy sedation. Such persons, even when medicated, tend to roam cyber-streets convinced that they will soon discover how to undo all the UN plans for world domination. Other related delusions are common. Newsaphrenics spend hours at their computers pointing and clicking and forwarding political and other junk email to all on their contact list – pleading (as an issue of national security) that everyone forward the email on to all those email buddies they have accumulated during hours of meaningless chat-room activity.
If unmediated, these individuals can become absolutely convinced that weapons of mass destruction were buried in their back yards while they were out of town visiting a ranch in a southwestern state. They have even been known to hallucinate tale-tail signs of WMD in the truck beds of 18-wheelers parked for the night at various US Interstate rest areas (particularly those surrounding Washington DC). When symptoms reach these extremes, only enforced rest and recreation in Fallujah has been found to have any calming effect.
Newsaphrenia presents interesting challenges in differential diagnoses. It often goes undetected or misdiagnosed. Newsaphrenics tend to be intelligent yet frequently have difficulty engaging their IQ in effective ways. They may appear educated but they have often become intellectually crippled by an overuse use of generalizations and a reliance on stereotypes. Recent studies of these traits suggests a link between this need to simplify complicated issues into easily digested sound bites and the hopes of influencing others in the direction of their delusions. The clinician needs to practice caution to insure that brain damage or tumors of the hypothalamus have been ruled out (by MRI with contrast) before the diagnosis of newsaphrenia is entered. A referral for neurological evaluation is always good practice.
Treatment modalities for Newsaphrenia have thus far proven only partially effective and the relapse rate is unacceptably high. The most essential treatment element is withdrawal from most all news sources for a period of six months with the gradual reintroduction of news stories - but only via print media over the second six month treatment period. In the first phase, no TV programming whatsoever is permitted even if being shown on the dinning area T.V. screen at McDonalds. All magazine subscriptions are put in suspension and the plug is pulled on all internet connections.
During the first six month period, the patient may have 15 minute news summaries on a daily basis presented by trusted family members or friends. However, comments about or discussion of any topic covered should be discouraged. The news summarizers, if male, may not wear a coat and tie and, if female, may not wear a low-cut business dress with matching pearl necklace. During the summary, neither extra lighting nor dramatic introductory music is permitted. No drums may be beat nor flags of any sort waved in front of the newsaphrenics darting eyes. While rigid and difficult for both the therapist and the patient, this treatment regime has proven to be the most effective approach with the lowest relapse rate. Time periods of less than 6 months are usually worthless and the individual will re-engage in newsaphrenia behaviors as soon as he or she is released from supervision.
Therapist and care providers need to be alerted to just how unpleasant a newsaphrenic can become when denied FOX or CNN news programming. Newsaphrenics above all else require entertainment. As a result, they have lost the ability to distinguish between “a show” and the presentation of objective fact: between fiction and reality; between opinion and verifiable data. When unable to obtain a daily news fix, Newsaphrenics become irritable and paranoid. They will whine, beg and plead (generally on their knees while grasping feebly at your clothing) - convincing all but the most hard hearted - that there is little harm in 15 or 20 minutes of nightly news. Tears may seems genuine and the temptation is to (as is said in the vernacular) “cut them a bit of slack”. But, don’t be fooled! Doing so can set back treatment progress for months. You must sacrifice to save the Newsaphrenics from a life of delusion and anxiety.
Newsaphrenics in treatment programs become adept at circumventing therapeutic rules. They will express an urgent need for paper products in order to justify a visit to Wal-Mart where they have been known to sneak into the Electronics section apparently in the hopes of catching a few minutes of Fox or some similar broadcast. Be particularly concerned if your patient plans a shopping trip to Circuit City saying they need a new supply of blank CDs. They must be closely guarded in such an event as they most often wonder off in the direction of any aisle where there is a TV screen in excess of 56 inches.
Newsaphrenics become sly and devious. Constant vigilance is required on the part of treatment professionals and loved ones if help is to be effective. Above all, the newsaphrenic must come to believe that there is life without daily news. They must be lead to an understanding that few things in the world are really new and that there is little need to worry constantly about low-probability events.
More detailed clinical information on Newsaphrenia and how to develop an effective family support system can be obtained from the NNCOA (National Newsaphrenic Coming Out Association) in Washington, D.C. See their website for current contact information in your area.
Newsaphrenia: Etiology and Treatment
Newsaphrenia is a psychological condition arising from the habitual and compulsive viewing of media news programming, particularly television but also involving other media types including but not limited to newspapers, news magazines and AM talk radio. The condition can be further exacerbated by participation in online forums and webblogs.
The Newsaphrenic symptom array is similar to that found in Existential Angst (see page 154 of the DSM-IV - the diagnostic manual of mental disorders) but tends to involve a greater number of overt psycho-physical signs such as rapid heartbeat, eye rolling and mouth twitching, uncontrolled leg jiggling and chronic verbal interruption of anyone speaking on a political or economic topic.
Newsaphrenics become increasingly fearful of darkened parking lots. Any stranger they may see hanging about (within 27 feet) of a schoolyard is likely to be the object of a wipe-out attack by a team of eight pit bulls. In milder cases, fears may center on such things as how many carcinogens might be encountered in the elevator at work or whether the Windy burger just eaten for lunch might have been exposed to mad-cow disease.
A deep seated (but none-the-less delusional) conviction that they know all there is to know about all there is to know is also characteristic of all degrees of this disorder. Underneath this conviction is an even more deeply buried anxiety related to the unremitting fear that they might somehow miss a vital piece of news. Hence, newsaphrenia often leads to insomnia. During non-sleep hours it is typical for newsaphrenics to relentlessly browse the Internet in search of acceptable news information often in a frantic effort to counter-argue the postings of one of their many arch posting rivals in political debate forums. Those without Internet access may be unable to turn-off their TVs for fear of missing some important new piece of news or analysis.
Newsaphrenics tend to develop strong paranoid features. The disorder leads them to believe that everyone is out to steal their money (called taxation) and take a free ride in their car. On the other hand, some newsaphrenics become convinced that everyone should give them their money (called redistribution of wealth)so they can even buy a car.
At the first hint from a news source that the Country has gone to yellow alert, newsaphrenics easily stampede into action and will strip bare the duck-tape and plastic sheeting shelves of local Lowes and Home Depot stores in a matter of only a few hours. These same patients will often show a history of similar behaviors when they reveal that they had four months food and water stocked-piled in their basements while awaiting the celebration of the year 2000. An even more worrisome and negative prognostic indictor is the discovery that next to the stores of food and water were enough guns and ammunition to supply the Fourth Calvary.
Newsaphrenics also typically insist that others fit into their pre-determined categories of right and wrong, truth and untruth. They show a strange affinity for either the right hand or the left. Concomitantly, spousal abuse and neglect have been known to occur. The divorce rate for newsaphrenics is above the national average.
Permanently bent, swollen and knurled keyboard fingers are also sometimes seen in these persons. If these conditions develop, physical therapy intervention is most often required. Such collateral physical conditions, when found, should be diagnostically noted on Axis III.
While physical disorders are not causally related to newsaphrenia - persons suffering the end stages of this disorder often lose weight and appear gaunt and red-eyed. They may drool and slobber as they speak or while typing furiously at their computer keyboards (particularly if they are participating in a political bulletin board or writing webblogs of similar content).
On the other hand, early stage newsaphrenia is generally not observed till after age 25 though exceptions have been documented in children under 12 raised in extreme environments where news programming was substituted for Sesame Street or in homes where children were severally disciplined when caught watching Mr. Rodger’s Liberal Neighborhood.
If newsaphrenia develops before age 18, it has been found to be incurable or, at best, kept under some control via heavy sedation. Such persons, even when medicated, tend to roam cyber-streets convinced that they will soon discover how to undo all the UN plans for world domination. Other related delusions are common. Newsaphrenics spend hours at their computers pointing and clicking and forwarding political and other junk email to all on their contact list – pleading (as an issue of national security) that everyone forward the email on to all those email buddies they have accumulated during hours of meaningless chat-room activity.
If unmediated, these individuals can become absolutely convinced that weapons of mass destruction were buried in their back yards while they were out of town visiting a ranch in a southwestern state. They have even been known to hallucinate tale-tail signs of WMD in the truck beds of 18-wheelers parked for the night at various US Interstate rest areas (particularly those surrounding Washington DC). When symptoms reach these extremes, only enforced rest and recreation in Fallujah has been found to have any calming effect.
Newsaphrenia presents interesting challenges in differential diagnoses. It often goes undetected or misdiagnosed. Newsaphrenics tend to be intelligent yet frequently have difficulty engaging their IQ in effective ways. They may appear educated but they have often become intellectually crippled by an overuse use of generalizations and a reliance on stereotypes. Recent studies of these traits suggests a link between this need to simplify complicated issues into easily digested sound bites and the hopes of influencing others in the direction of their delusions. The clinician needs to practice caution to insure that brain damage or tumors of the hypothalamus have been ruled out (by MRI with contrast) before the diagnosis of newsaphrenia is entered. A referral for neurological evaluation is always good practice.
Treatment modalities for Newsaphrenia have thus far proven only partially effective and the relapse rate is unacceptably high. The most essential treatment element is withdrawal from most all news sources for a period of six months with the gradual reintroduction of news stories - but only via print media over the second six month treatment period. In the first phase, no TV programming whatsoever is permitted even if being shown on the dinning area T.V. screen at McDonalds. All magazine subscriptions are put in suspension and the plug is pulled on all internet connections.
During the first six month period, the patient may have 15 minute news summaries on a daily basis presented by trusted family members or friends. However, comments about or discussion of any topic covered should be discouraged. The news summarizers, if male, may not wear a coat and tie and, if female, may not wear a low-cut business dress with matching pearl necklace. During the summary, neither extra lighting nor dramatic introductory music is permitted. No drums may be beat nor flags of any sort waved in front of the newsaphrenics darting eyes. While rigid and difficult for both the therapist and the patient, this treatment regime has proven to be the most effective approach with the lowest relapse rate. Time periods of less than 6 months are usually worthless and the individual will re-engage in newsaphrenia behaviors as soon as he or she is released from supervision.
Therapist and care providers need to be alerted to just how unpleasant a newsaphrenic can become when denied FOX or CNN news programming. Newsaphrenics above all else require entertainment. As a result, they have lost the ability to distinguish between “a show” and the presentation of objective fact: between fiction and reality; between opinion and verifiable data. When unable to obtain a daily news fix, Newsaphrenics become irritable and paranoid. They will whine, beg and plead (generally on their knees while grasping feebly at your clothing) - convincing all but the most hard hearted - that there is little harm in 15 or 20 minutes of nightly news. Tears may seems genuine and the temptation is to (as is said in the vernacular) “cut them a bit of slack”. But, don’t be fooled! Doing so can set back treatment progress for months. You must sacrifice to save the Newsaphrenics from a life of delusion and anxiety.
Newsaphrenics in treatment programs become adept at circumventing therapeutic rules. They will express an urgent need for paper products in order to justify a visit to Wal-Mart where they have been known to sneak into the Electronics section apparently in the hopes of catching a few minutes of Fox or some similar broadcast. Be particularly concerned if your patient plans a shopping trip to Circuit City saying they need a new supply of blank CDs. They must be closely guarded in such an event as they most often wonder off in the direction of any aisle where there is a TV screen in excess of 56 inches.
Newsaphrenics become sly and devious. Constant vigilance is required on the part of treatment professionals and loved ones if help is to be effective. Above all, the newsaphrenic must come to believe that there is life without daily news. They must be lead to an understanding that few things in the world are really new and that there is little need to worry constantly about low-probability events.
More detailed clinical information on Newsaphrenia and how to develop an effective family support system can be obtained from the NNCOA (National Newsaphrenic Coming Out Association) in Washington, D.C. See their website for current contact information in your area.
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